A Cry For Intimacy

I try to comprehend why some things are so hard to let go of, but in the end, it always complicates the problem. At some point, I'm going to have to accept that there is absolutally nothing that I can do, nothing I can say, nothing at all. Some things simply are, and you either accept it and move on, or you let it cosume you and tear you apart from the inside out. Quite honestly, I'm getting tired of the latter option. I hate these feelings that well up from inside at the worst times - that are connected to things that I enjoy. I want, no, I need freedom. There is just this twisted part of me, that for some reason, loves to hold on to these things that drag me into hell.

Is it so much to ask to simply want to live for God? To give Him all my love, all my devotion, all my passion? To entrust him with my thoughts, dreams, hopes, loves, hurts? Why, when it's the most ridiculously obvious choice, is it so impossibly hard? Why, when God has never, ever let me down, stopped loving me, stopped calling for me, stopped fighting tooth and nail for my soul, do I still turn my back on Him over the most utterly stupid things? It's absolutely infuriating to me. My heart cries out for an intimacy with my Creator, but I deny myself that very thing more oft than not.

At some point, I'm either going to do what I need to do, or God is going to break me down once again, and honestly, I prefer the former, as the latter has always been hell. At some point, I'll fully realize that nothing else matters. At some point, it will all click, and only then will the rest of my life click.

Today's Song: Frontline by Pillar