Perpetual Darkness

When your eyes start to fade into the perpetual darkness that is at hand, there is usually a sense of overwhelming fear that walks hand-in-hand. Oddly enough, this time, there is not. As I'm slowly being choked by forces unseen, I don't feel much, if anything. I don't know if it's because I've realized there is nothing I can do, or because I know that God is there with me and will get me through it all.

That's much the problem with everything. I see the two extremes - there is no "middle ground" for me. It's all or nothing. Try as I might, I can't escape this pattern that seems to be hard-wired into my analytical processes. This same issue applies to my mood and attitude. I'm either super, happy go lucky, or depressed and angry beyond reason. There is the occasional time when I'm simply "okay", but that's usually just the short transition between one of the two extremes. Any other time, I'm usually horrible, and I'm sick of saying so, so I say that I'm fine. Some would chalk this up to being bi-polar, which I suppose could be it, but I don't think so.

One thing that is so frustrating, is that I know what's going on - at least for the most part. I'm caught up in a pattern, a circle if you will, and I keep going through the same motions. What's ridiculous is that this circle encompasses nearly every aspect of my life all at once. Of course, if that's the case, then you can most likely narrow down the origin of the issue to one thing - my relationship with God. Oh what a fickle thing it is, but only because I make it so.

Isn't that just ironic? Everything that happens, well, at least most of it, is because of my own actions in accordance to something else. One minute, I'm perfectly fine, then the next, something happens and I'm in the other extreme. I'm angry, upset, hurt, jealous, bitter, and so many other things, and all because I'm not secure enough in my relationship with God to just say, "It'll be okay, because I have you here with me, Jesus,". I don't have the patience, the grace, the mercy, the love, the desire, the heart, the anything, to be what I want and need to be. It's only through Christ that I gain any of that, and the moment I wander or stumble, I lose all grips on anything I had. I have to start over from the beginning again.

I'm miserable all the time. I am lonely all the time. I am sad all the time. I am wounded in my heart all the time. I say I want to be loved, yet I myself have no inkling of the true nature of love or how to give it. So therefore, how will I know what it means to have love? Why is love such a fickle thing. One minute, it takes you beyond the clouds, and the next it drives you into hell itself without any remorse. I'd give anything to have someone to hold and love right now - someone who I could marry and start a family with, but I'm not so naive that I don't understand it wouldn't work. I don't have the capacity or understanding to love selflessly, unconditionally, wholeheartedly and purely. I'm a slave to my flesh and I'm bound in lust, desire, jealously, anger, and all things evil. I want out, and I want freedom, yet it never comes no matter how much I ask. Though I don't think it's so much that it doesn't come, but rather that I don't accept it. It never ends...

Save Me From Myself

It's funny how things can change over and over in such a short frame of time.Or rather, I suppose it's really not all that comical. In fact, it inflicts a myriad of emotions that fester in my mind and heart until I begin to literally go crazy. It is utterly ridiculous how often this cycle repeats itself. I'm fine for a few days or a week, and then like an inescapable flood, everything washes over me, in nearly an instant, totally overwhelming me. I find myself drowning in anger, depression, loneliness, sadness, frustration, hurt and bitterness. It all pounds against the inside of my head, until I want to scream in an attempt to get some relief, but even if I were to do so, no one would hear me. Even now, my mind is so scrambled that I'm having trouble writing because I have no focus. I'm thinking half a hundred things at once, most of which contradict one or another, adding to the confusion. I get to the point where all I can do is curl up and ask over and over for God to wrap me in His arms and make it go away. When does this maddness end?

Most of which I battle with are things I've cried out for freedom from more than I can count. It's not that I'm stuck on stupid, but rather seems I'm stuck on insane. I keep going around the same mountain over and over hoping that the next time will render a different result. Even if I know that won't generate what I want it to, I go around and around regardless. Quite frankly, I can narrow down eighty percent of my issues to one thing, and all I want is closure in the ordeal. At this point, I've given up on any type of relationship/friendship because they just don't seem interested, no matter what I do. I just want closure so that I can MOVE ON. I'm tired of being dragged along like a rag doll by someone who's already moved on with their life, because I can't get closure from them. The issue is that I honestly don't believe that I will ever get that closure, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do exactly. I've laid this at God's feet many a time, and I keep taking it back because it tortures me so much. I just want to move far away and forget about it all...God save me from myself.

For the Sake of Love

What am I missing? I know I've gone over this several times already, but I'm here again. Why am I still so hurt by what's going on with her? I know that I fell hard for her and I know it "takes time", but honestly, it's been three and a half months...when does it start getting better?

Am I stuck on stupid, or is God trying to tell me something? I'm at a loss here. She's been on my heart so heavily the last couple of weeks. I wanted to call her so bad today, just to say, "Hi, how are you?", because I feel like no one has done that lately and actually wanted to hear something other than, "I'm okay". Maybe, I'm way off base.

I'd do near anything for her because she means that much to me, which is why...I have to do nothing and let God do what He does. Quite frankly, I'd rather poke my eyes out with a dull, plastic spork, because I think it'd be less painful. I'm trying to trust that God will follow through on this - I really am. I'm getting worn down though, and I don't know how much longer I can do this...

Waiting For Tomorrow

Well, today was basically just another day. Work was so slow and boring that I got exhausted from doing nothing...I honestly can't stand it. I even tried to find stuff to do and asked my managers for things, but it never took me more than twenty minutes to finish whatever it was.

I finally finished typing out all the stuff on that dream that I had. I must say, I've been thinking about it a lot and I'm really wondering what it all means. I feel there is something there that God is trying to tell me.

Other than that, I have tomorrow off, so I get to go to church, which I'm excited about. The only thing I'm not looking forward to is seeing her. It always makes me sad =(. Anyway, I'm crashin'. Night!

Today's Song: You Won't Relent (Seal) by Misty Edwards

When Will It End?

Well, today was actually a good day, until the end =(. I spent the morning working on writing out all the details on my dream, and I'm about halfway done. Work was easy and boring. However, one of the guys in our department is transfering to a different one because a couple of people quit in it, so our schedules are going to get chaotic.

After I got off work, I headed to the church to see people and my family, and I was great, until she spend like fifteen minutes loving on my sisters like they are family, whilst I'm five feet away. It made me absolutely infuriated, even though it shouldn't have. It just really, really upsets me that she can do that and completely ignore me - it's like a slap in the face after everything that's happened.

I'm to the point where I really can't take it anymore. I'm tired of seeing her. I'm tired of dealing with these feelings when I do. I'm tired of it all. Sadly, there is no simple solution that I can see. I can't just stop going to church there because I know it's where I'm supposed to be. I can't shut off the feelings. What am I supposed to do? How freaking long must I wait for this to all conclude? It's utterly ridiculous...

Today's Song: Lie To Me by 12 Stones

The Unwritten Letter

I see you pass by
And I wonder what lies behind your eyes
Do you think back?
Or did you burn the memories?
There's so much I wish I could say
But the timing, it always seems to be wrong
Not now, not here, maybe tomorrow, but not today
But tomorrow never seems to come, and yesterday is so far gone

They say if you love something to let it go
But to that I say, if you really love something
Hold onto it for dear life
Because love is something the world seeks to steal and warp
To make into something superficial and meaningless
True, pure, compassionate love is a rarity in this lifetime
And it's something I feel is worth fighting for
If you only knew how much I still give to you

What I'm saying is, that I love you
And I don't think I will ever stop
I've tried so many times to let it go
But in the end, my heart still holds on
I won't pretend it's not painful, because it is
Far more than I want to admit sometimes
But I wouldn't trade it for anything
Because that would mean that you were never in my life

But even if it's not all my fault
I blame myself for everything
For failing to be the man I should have been
For failing to do what I should have done
Even now tears fall from my eyes
Because I miss you so much
I miss your smile, your laugh, your touch
And most of all, I miss your love

I wish I could tell you how much joy you gave me
How I couldn't sleep at night cause I was thinking about you
How you made me smile when I didn't want to
How you could melt my heart with just a glance and a smile
All of this I wish with all of my heart I could say
But all I can do is watch you walk away
And bury it all in my heart
This unwritten letter to you

My Goodbye

There's so many things that I've wanted to say, which I haven't gotten the chance to, and I doubt I ever will. So many questions I wish I could have an answer to. But, I know the only thing that I can do is let it all go and move on, knowing that God has my life and future in his loving, caring hands.

If only there were a way to explain to you how I really feel - it's almost impossible. There is a true sadness, but at the same time I'm so thankful and joyful. Though I may lose a friend forever, memories have been made that will never fade in my heart, and I know that in time I will look back, remember, and smile. But right now, I'm here crying again because I'm thinking of you, knowing that you don't even think of me anymore. I just wish I could show you how I feel - show you the depths of my heart. I just wish I could hold you and kiss you again. That I could look into your eyes and see that smile once more. That I could hear those three words that took me to a place so far from here one more time.

You'll never know how much I miss you, or, despite everything, how much I still love you. There hasn't been a day gone by that I haven't thought of you and wished there was something I could say to change it all. You have no idea how hard it is to see you and have to walk on by like I don't know you; to pretend that you weren't a big part of my life. I hope one day we find our way back together somehow...but tonight, I put it all in the box of memories contained in my heart, hoping for that day to come. Tonight, I have to let you go. I can't wait any longer...I have to move on.

Goodbye for now, but hopefully never forever...

Ich liebe dich...you were my world.