Denying Myself

Well, today wasn't nearly as eventful as I thought it would be. At least not in the sense I thought. She wasn't at church today, which is really odd, but at the same time, it allowed me to focus on God without being distracted. My football team lost, when they should have won, but that's life, haha. And I took a nap, which I haven't done in ages.

But you know, going back to her...she's really been on my heart a lot lately. It's not just that letter either. It's hard to explain I guess, and honestly, I don't fully understand it myself. I don't know if it's just my emotions getting the better of me, or if it's something that God is placing on me. Either way, it's just been eating at me and it's starting to really wear me down. This whole thing has been going on far longer than it should have, but it's still there. I just miss her so much. You know, honestly, even if she treated me like total crap, just to have her in my life again...I mean, she is my friend, and that's never changed. I hate this separation and stuff that is going on. It tears at my heart everyday. I've nearly sent her a text a couple of times today because I want to talk to her that bad. I have no idea what to say though. That, and I figure that since I gave her that letter, I need to just leave it at that and let God work the way that He wants to.

I just want freedom from this whole thing so that I can finally have peace in my heart. We heard a message tonight from my pastor's pastor, and his message was simple. You reap what you sow. I want so badly to sow the right things in my life. Especially with this situation with her that's been looming for too long. I'm asking God to search my heart and show me what I need to do to receive freedom from this. It's one of the biggest things holding me back from getting where God wants me to be. The hardest part is that a piece of me holds on to a hope that it'll all work out in the end, and it could, because God can do anything, but right now that makes it so hard to do what I need to do.

In the end, it comes down to this. I just want to give my life one hundred percent to God. I want to be a disciple for Christ. The issue is that it's extremely hard to do because it requires an utter denial of self. God willing, He will help mold me into a man that can do that without having to strive so hard to make the right choice, but at the same time I want it to bring me joy to struggle for Christ. I want to be so wrapped up in God that I can say no to sin without even contemplating it. That is my desire.

I'm off to bed. God bless and good night.

Today's Song: You Are Everything by Matthew West