The last few months - what a ride. I met the most amazing girl ever, who absolutely blew me away, we moved too fast, got engaged, it ended suddenly and sadly, we don't talk anymore. I've made new friends who I would have never thought of finding before. I've grown so much closer to all of my family. I was baptized in the Spirit. I've been set free from so many things, stumbled, got set free again, stumbled again. I've made people mad. People have made me mad. I've disappointed people. People have disappointed me. I've made so many mistakes that I can't even think of them all. I am completely impatient with everything. I want things that I know I can't have right now and I have a hard time letting them go. The things that I can have, that are right in front of me, I don't take most of the time. I let myself be tormented by one thing far too often, but I don't let myself be free of it because I long for it so much. I've been stuck on "stupid" a lot...and I mean a lot. There is so much more and I could go on and on and on, but I digress. Oh, and I have a new found fondness of being honest and transparent...
So, what is the significance of listing all that in a long, rambling paragraph? To say this: Good, bad, ugly, stupid, painful, or whatever the situation, God uses it to shape us a little more into what he wants us to be. Through each situation we become just a little stronger and we get one more piece to the puzzle that defines us. Probably the best way I've heard this described is from one of the men I respect most in my life, who has taken so much time out of his own busy schedule to invest in me. He defined it as our "Process of Glory", and I couldn't agree more.
Through everything that's happened, my relationship with Jesus Christ is on a level I never knew really existed and I know that it can go so much deeper. What's more, in the process, I have learned so much about myself - those puzzle pieces I mentioned. I'll list some of the good things I have discovered.
- I was made to love deep and care for others - I still don't fully know why, and I've gotten myself into a lot of trouble with this one because I give my heart too freely, too quickly...but I know God has a reason.
- I was made to pray and intercede - I love praying, especially for others. I honestly can talk to God for hours about whatever. I'm sure people have thought I am crazy because I sound like I'm talking to myself.
- I was made to listen - Despite my inherent shyness, I truly do love to talk to people. I enjoy hearing about people's lives - where they've been, how they got through, and what God is doing right then. Though, I admit, I like to talk too, ha.
- I make the same mistakes over and over - I have this terrible issue with repeating the same mistake over and over. I get stuck on "stupid" and do it even though I know I shouldn't.
- I struggle with pride, lust, jealousy, envy, anger, forgiveness, patience, trying to control situations/people, and trusting in God/others - Yeah, I know that's a long, deadly list, but at least I know now, instead of being totally blind like before. God has been dealing with me on this stuff, and it's been rough...
- I struggle with fear - More like I have major issues with it, and it's infuriating. It doesn't seem to matter what the situation, I have fear, and it's keeping me from taking the steps I need to make in order to get where I need to be. Even something as simple as reaching out is impossibly hard for me. I've prayed and prayed and prayed about this, but what it all comes down to is I have to make the choice to do it, regardless of fear, and trust that God will take care of the rest.
"Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned."What he went on to say, is that throughout our lives we have planted good seed and bad seed, and when the times comes that God starts to pour out the rain of his grace and mercy, whatever we have planted is going to grow - be it good or bad. At that point, we have to start the process of weeding out the bad seed and letting God burn it up in order to make room for the good seed.
It's by no means a fun process, and at times it seems unbearable. However, I cling to the following verse:
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.- I Corinthians 10:13 (Msg)
So, I know I can handle all of this, but I wish that God didn't trust me so much sometimes. Or maybe that I could trust myself as much as God trusts me. I'm tired of holding myself back from the things God has for me, for whatever reason. I want to be consumed by the fire of God and the calling he has for my life. I want to experience a pure joy in my life everyday that can only come from the blessing of God. I want to fall madly and completely in love with God, the one I know I can invest my love in and it won't leave me brokenhearted.
I know God has everything under control and that if I trust him and be patient, when the time is right, the things that I desire will come into my life.
It's all right there, just a few steps away...all I need to do is start walking and reach out for it...
It's the same for everyone, no matter what the situation...
God bless
