Perpetual Darkness

When your eyes start to fade into the perpetual darkness that is at hand, there is usually a sense of overwhelming fear that walks hand-in-hand. Oddly enough, this time, there is not. As I'm slowly being choked by forces unseen, I don't feel much, if anything. I don't know if it's because I've realized there is nothing I can do, or because I know that God is there with me and will get me through it all.

That's much the problem with everything. I see the two extremes - there is no "middle ground" for me. It's all or nothing. Try as I might, I can't escape this pattern that seems to be hard-wired into my analytical processes. This same issue applies to my mood and attitude. I'm either super, happy go lucky, or depressed and angry beyond reason. There is the occasional time when I'm simply "okay", but that's usually just the short transition between one of the two extremes. Any other time, I'm usually horrible, and I'm sick of saying so, so I say that I'm fine. Some would chalk this up to being bi-polar, which I suppose could be it, but I don't think so.

One thing that is so frustrating, is that I know what's going on - at least for the most part. I'm caught up in a pattern, a circle if you will, and I keep going through the same motions. What's ridiculous is that this circle encompasses nearly every aspect of my life all at once. Of course, if that's the case, then you can most likely narrow down the origin of the issue to one thing - my relationship with God. Oh what a fickle thing it is, but only because I make it so.

Isn't that just ironic? Everything that happens, well, at least most of it, is because of my own actions in accordance to something else. One minute, I'm perfectly fine, then the next, something happens and I'm in the other extreme. I'm angry, upset, hurt, jealous, bitter, and so many other things, and all because I'm not secure enough in my relationship with God to just say, "It'll be okay, because I have you here with me, Jesus,". I don't have the patience, the grace, the mercy, the love, the desire, the heart, the anything, to be what I want and need to be. It's only through Christ that I gain any of that, and the moment I wander or stumble, I lose all grips on anything I had. I have to start over from the beginning again.

I'm miserable all the time. I am lonely all the time. I am sad all the time. I am wounded in my heart all the time. I say I want to be loved, yet I myself have no inkling of the true nature of love or how to give it. So therefore, how will I know what it means to have love? Why is love such a fickle thing. One minute, it takes you beyond the clouds, and the next it drives you into hell itself without any remorse. I'd give anything to have someone to hold and love right now - someone who I could marry and start a family with, but I'm not so naive that I don't understand it wouldn't work. I don't have the capacity or understanding to love selflessly, unconditionally, wholeheartedly and purely. I'm a slave to my flesh and I'm bound in lust, desire, jealously, anger, and all things evil. I want out, and I want freedom, yet it never comes no matter how much I ask. Though I don't think it's so much that it doesn't come, but rather that I don't accept it. It never ends...