Weather of Memories

Ah, what I'd give...but really, would I? It's just been one of those days where nostalgia has run rampant. Personally, I blame the weather. It brings back so many memories of things that I miss. Fifty-eight degrees, a slight breeze, clouds in the sky, and a setting sun. I want someone to snuggle up with and hold onto - I'd give nearly anything. It's so frustrating...I don't want money, I don't want fame, I don't want stuff...I just want to love and be loved. I want to be married and have a family so much that it's nearly painful.

The thing is that I know I'm not ready. There are things in my life that I have to get sorted out before I will be. I need to get myself back in order, get my goals planned out, get a couple of them accomplished, work on rebuilding my life into what God wants it to be and only then consider trying to fit someone else into that puzzle. It's hard to fit someone else into your life when you don't have all the pieces of yourself in order, because you don't know where or how they fit.

I know that it's all just a matter of time before things start to fall into place. All that it requires is that I stay walking in the will of God. He knows my heart's desires, and he will fulfill them (Psalm 37:4). I'm also sure, that like with nearly everything in my life, it will take me completely by surprise. I can deal with that though, because it'll make it that much easier to give God all the glory. However, I really do hope that this season of testing doesn't take as long as it usually does.

Well, I'm off to bed, as I have to be up in the morning for work.

Today's Song: Something New by Fireflight

The Unwritten Letter

I see you pass by
And I wonder what lies behind your eyes
Do you think back?
Or did you burn the memories?
There's so much I wish I could say
But the timing, it always seems to be wrong
Not now, not here, maybe tomorrow, but not today
But tomorrow never seems to come, and yesterday is so far gone

They say if you love something to let it go
But to that I say, if you really love something
Hold onto it for dear life
Because love is something the world seeks to steal and warp
To make into something superficial and meaningless
True, pure, compassionate love is a rarity in this lifetime
And it's something I feel is worth fighting for
If you only knew how much I still give to you

What I'm saying is, that I love you
And I don't think I will ever stop
I've tried so many times to let it go
But in the end, my heart still holds on
I won't pretend it's not painful, because it is
Far more than I want to admit sometimes
But I wouldn't trade it for anything
Because that would mean that you were never in my life

But even if it's not all my fault
I blame myself for everything
For failing to be the man I should have been
For failing to do what I should have done
Even now tears fall from my eyes
Because I miss you so much
I miss your smile, your laugh, your touch
And most of all, I miss your love

I wish I could tell you how much joy you gave me
How I couldn't sleep at night cause I was thinking about you
How you made me smile when I didn't want to
How you could melt my heart with just a glance and a smile
All of this I wish with all of my heart I could say
But all I can do is watch you walk away
And bury it all in my heart
This unwritten letter to you

My Goodbye

There's so many things that I've wanted to say, which I haven't gotten the chance to, and I doubt I ever will. So many questions I wish I could have an answer to. But, I know the only thing that I can do is let it all go and move on, knowing that God has my life and future in his loving, caring hands.

If only there were a way to explain to you how I really feel - it's almost impossible. There is a true sadness, but at the same time I'm so thankful and joyful. Though I may lose a friend forever, memories have been made that will never fade in my heart, and I know that in time I will look back, remember, and smile. But right now, I'm here crying again because I'm thinking of you, knowing that you don't even think of me anymore. I just wish I could show you how I feel - show you the depths of my heart. I just wish I could hold you and kiss you again. That I could look into your eyes and see that smile once more. That I could hear those three words that took me to a place so far from here one more time.

You'll never know how much I miss you, or, despite everything, how much I still love you. There hasn't been a day gone by that I haven't thought of you and wished there was something I could say to change it all. You have no idea how hard it is to see you and have to walk on by like I don't know you; to pretend that you weren't a big part of my life. I hope one day we find our way back together somehow...but tonight, I put it all in the box of memories contained in my heart, hoping for that day to come. Tonight, I have to let you go. I can't wait any longer...I have to move on.

Goodbye for now, but hopefully never forever...

Ich liebe dich...you were my world.