But a Small Update

So, it's been a while. I finally got tired of writing everyday, and eventually I just stopped for a week or however long it is. Even this one won't be long. I dunno...I just haven't been in the mood to write. Though, I'm sure that I'll have a long post here pretty soon. Perhaps The Journey Part Three.

So much has been happening in just the last week, and I'm really not sure how to take it all. I've got one part of me tugging this way, another that, and another this, and another that. More than anything, I just want to get where God wants me to be.

A small peak, I suppose. I had a conversation with her tonight for thirty minutes on the phone. Amazingly enough, it wasn't awkward. I really, really miss talking to her...but at the same time, those feelings are still there, so I'm trying to find some balance in order to make sure that I don't end up trapping myself. But, I said that I talked to her to say this. I actually prayed with her on the phone before I let her go. That was a HUGE step for me in going where God wants me to go. Like I've mentioned before, prayer is one of the places I feel God is moving me to, and I've always had this fear to pray with others...especially her. Granted it's not in person, but it's still a step in the right direction.

I could keep writing for a long time, but it's nearly two a.m. and I've got work in a wonderful seven hours.

Denying Myself

Well, today wasn't nearly as eventful as I thought it would be. At least not in the sense I thought. She wasn't at church today, which is really odd, but at the same time, it allowed me to focus on God without being distracted. My football team lost, when they should have won, but that's life, haha. And I took a nap, which I haven't done in ages.

But you know, going back to her...she's really been on my heart a lot lately. It's not just that letter either. It's hard to explain I guess, and honestly, I don't fully understand it myself. I don't know if it's just my emotions getting the better of me, or if it's something that God is placing on me. Either way, it's just been eating at me and it's starting to really wear me down. This whole thing has been going on far longer than it should have, but it's still there. I just miss her so much. You know, honestly, even if she treated me like total crap, just to have her in my life again...I mean, she is my friend, and that's never changed. I hate this separation and stuff that is going on. It tears at my heart everyday. I've nearly sent her a text a couple of times today because I want to talk to her that bad. I have no idea what to say though. That, and I figure that since I gave her that letter, I need to just leave it at that and let God work the way that He wants to.

I just want freedom from this whole thing so that I can finally have peace in my heart. We heard a message tonight from my pastor's pastor, and his message was simple. You reap what you sow. I want so badly to sow the right things in my life. Especially with this situation with her that's been looming for too long. I'm asking God to search my heart and show me what I need to do to receive freedom from this. It's one of the biggest things holding me back from getting where God wants me to be. The hardest part is that a piece of me holds on to a hope that it'll all work out in the end, and it could, because God can do anything, but right now that makes it so hard to do what I need to do.

In the end, it comes down to this. I just want to give my life one hundred percent to God. I want to be a disciple for Christ. The issue is that it's extremely hard to do because it requires an utter denial of self. God willing, He will help mold me into a man that can do that without having to strive so hard to make the right choice, but at the same time I want it to bring me joy to struggle for Christ. I want to be so wrapped up in God that I can say no to sin without even contemplating it. That is my desire.

I'm off to bed. God bless and good night.

Today's Song: You Are Everything by Matthew West

Letting Go

Today was one of those lazy kinda days. I didn't have work, which was nice, so I got to sleep in some and relax all day. The weather was simply amazing! Sixty or so degrees with a nice light rain all day. Now, to most people, that kind of weather is dismal, but for me, it's the most relaxing thing on earth (and I got to wear my coat! Haha...I love my coat). Not to mention, it's like the best kind of weather for me to connect with God because everything is so peaceful to me and my mind is calm so I can think.

So, she has the letter and I believe I've finally let go - the rest is up to God. I'm going to start moving on and whatever happens, happens. I know God has everything under control and that He is orchestrating something really big right now. I really can't wait to see what happens in the next few months. Not just with myself, but with those around me. I really feel like everything is about to go "BOOM", in a good way, of course.

I guess a good way of putting it all, is something that I wrote a while back on a sticky note:

"Although we may not see it now, all the pieces are there. We just have to wait for them to be put together the correct way. When we try to force pieces together that aren't made for each other, the big picture gets all messed up, and the pieces will never fit right. Let God put it together the right way, and in His timing. Only He knows how the final picture is supposed to look."

Well, that's all for tonight. I'm gonna head to bed 'cause I'm tired.

Today's song: Call My Name by Third Day

The Journey: Part Two

So, originally I had something like two pages of stuff typed out, with a lot more to go, but I decided to scrap it all. Honestly, I have to finish writting something in one setting or it just doesn't mesh with the next time I sit down. I guess it could be described as being caught up in a moment, but that's when I write my best, or so I think.

The last few months - what a ride. I met the most amazing girl ever, who absolutely blew me away, we moved too fast, got engaged, it ended suddenly and sadly, we don't talk anymore. I've made new friends who I would have never thought of finding before. I've grown so much closer to all of my family. I was baptized in the Spirit. I've been set free from so many things, stumbled, got set free again, stumbled again. I've made people mad. People have made me mad. I've disappointed people. People have disappointed me. I've made so many mistakes that I can't even think of them all. I am completely impatient with everything. I want things that I know I can't have right now and I have a hard time letting them go. The things that I can have, that are right in front of me, I don't take most of the time. I let myself be tormented by one thing far too often, but I don't let myself be free of it because I long for it so much. I've been stuck on "stupid" a lot...and I mean a lot. There is so much more and I could go on and on and on, but I digress. Oh, and I have a new found fondness of being honest and transparent...

So, what is the significance of listing all that in a long, rambling paragraph? To say this: Good, bad, ugly, stupid, painful, or whatever the situation, God uses it to shape us a little more into what he wants us to be. Through each situation we become just a little stronger and we get one more piece to the puzzle that defines us. Probably the best way I've heard this described is from one of the men I respect most in my life, who has taken so much time out of his own busy schedule to invest in me. He defined it as our "Process of Glory", and I couldn't agree more.

Through everything that's happened, my relationship with Jesus Christ is on a level I never knew really existed and I know that it can go so much deeper. What's more, in the process, I have learned so much about myself - those puzzle pieces I mentioned. I'll list some of the good things I have discovered.

• I was made to love deep and care for others - I still don't fully know why, and I've gotten myself into a lot of trouble with this one because I give my heart too freely, too quickly...but I know God has a reason.
  

• I was made to pray and intercede - I love praying, especially for others. I honestly can talk to God for hours about whatever. I'm sure people have thought I am crazy because I sound like I'm talking to myself.
  

• I was made to listen - Despite my inherent shyness, I truly do love to talk to people. I enjoy hearing about people's lives - where they've been, how they got through, and what God is doing right then. Though, I admit, I like to talk too, ha.

Along with the good, comes the bad. God has revealed a lot of things in my life which I need to deal with and get away from - all out of his love for me because he wants to see me become the man of God he made me to be.

• I make the same mistakes over and over - I have this terrible issue with repeating the same mistake over and over. I get stuck on "stupid" and do it even though I know I shouldn't.

• I struggle with pride, lust, jealousy, envy, anger, forgiveness, patience, trying to control situations/people, and trusting in God/others - Yeah, I know that's a long, deadly list, but at least I know now, instead of being totally blind like before. God has been dealing with me on this stuff, and it's been rough...
  

• I struggle with fear - More like I have major issues with it, and it's infuriating. It doesn't seem to matter what the situation, I have fear, and it's keeping me from taking the steps I need to make in order to get where I need to be. Even something as simple as reaching out is impossibly hard for me. I've prayed and prayed and prayed about this, but what it all comes down to is I have to make the choice to do it, regardless of fear, and trust that God will take care of the rest.

Again, what the above struggles amount to is God taking me through my "Process of Glory". To delve a little deeper into that, I want to mention something my father said about a month ago. He read the following out of Hebrews 6:7-8 (NIV):

"Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned."

What he went on to say, is that throughout our lives we have planted good seed and bad seed, and when the times comes that God starts to pour out the rain of his grace and mercy, whatever we have planted is going to grow - be it good or bad. At that point, we have to start the process of weeding out the bad seed and letting God burn it up in order to make room for the good seed.

It's by no means a fun process, and at times it seems unbearable. However, I cling to the following verse:

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.

- I Corinthians 10:13 (Msg)

So, I know I can handle all of this, but I wish that God didn't trust me so much sometimes. Or maybe that I could trust myself as much as God trusts me. I'm tired of holding myself back from the things God has for me, for whatever reason. I want to be consumed by the fire of God and the calling he has for my life. I want to experience a pure joy in my life everyday that can only come from the blessing of God. I want to fall madly and completely in love with God, the one I know I can invest my love in and it won't leave me brokenhearted.

I know God has everything under control and that if I trust him and be patient, when the time is right, the things that I desire will come into my life.

It's all right there, just a few steps away...all I need to do is start walking and reach out for it...

It's the same for everyone, no matter what the situation...

God bless

I Do Not Belong

This song has for some reason captivated my heart...it reminds me that God has it all under control and that I don't belong in a world of broken pieces. God will fix everything and make it better than I could on my own. He has the blueprint for my life. Even if I think it's not getting put together right, He is the architect and knows best. In the end, what matters is that I glorify Him in all that I do - He'll take care of the rest.

"I Do Not Belong" by Kutless

I look around and I feel like, thing's changed and I don't know why
And everyday that passes by I feel so far away
I can see in the distance, You have the rest of me
I put my trust in you, as I look beyond today
It's all becoming clear

I do no belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong

When the world is behind me on the day that I breathe my last
In the face of eternity there's hope cause' I believe
When I look to the heavens and the future that you hold
It makes it easier to see beyond today
Now I'm looking to the sky

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong

This world is not my home
I'm a stranger in this land
But I am not alone
When I do not belong

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong
No, I do not belong

Like a Cold Night...

Loneliness is setting in again like darkness on a cold winter's night. I have few people I can really converse with on the level I need to right now - I really hate superfluous conversations. I feel like the desires of my heart are getting farther and farther away with each passing day. Mayhaps those desires are not the ones that God sees as best for my life., or maybe I am simply being tested and molded. Either way, all I can do is trust in Him.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

-Psalms 37:4 (NIV)

"In his heart man plans his course, but God determines his steps."

-Proverbs 16:9 (NIV)

"Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails."

-Proverbs 19:21 (NIV)

"A man’s steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand his own way?"

-Proverbs 20:24 (NIV)


I believe myself to be delighting myself in the Lord. I love to pray, I love to worship, and I want find my true calling. However, I wonder if God isn't asking more of me and I just haven't realized it yet, or maybe I have and I'm reluctant. I know there is at least one thing that I'm not being obedient on, but it's always been an issue for me. I'm fighting it, but like always, it seems to have it's grip on me and I can't seem to get free. Or maybe it's more like the fact that I feel comfortable where I am and I don't want to lose total grip on what I perceived as my reality?

I think what God has been trying to get me to do all along is let go of everything I knew because it was almost all wrong. My life was based on a solid foundation of Christ, but somewhere along the line it started to deviate from that narrow path and I created my own reality which manipulated everything to the way I wanted it to be - God included. I feel once I can let go and let God have total control of everything (and trust me when I say that is really, really hard), it will all fall into place, and God will be able to finish restructuring my life¹. Until I can do that, I'm at a standstill, and I do not like it. I feel so stretched out, yet, I'm not really doing anything. That alone should be an indicator that I'm doing something wrong.

Like a close friend of mine said, I need to engage and surround myself with people who are like "Jesus with skin". I need people who will encourage me, build me up, advise me, correct me, love me, listen to me, be honest, etc. and I have no problems doing the same for them.Unfortunately, that's rather difficult to find people who are like that.

On a closing note, I find it funny how we always say time is precious, yet we are always waiting for the things we want the most. I really wish I knew what it felt like to have absence make the heart grow fonder...it always seems to make it grow more distant and unrealistic for me. I pray God will change that soon...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
¹ "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished..." - Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

Sigh...

So, tonight has pretty much sucked 'cause I've found myself thinking and worrying about stuff I thought I'd left in God's hands. It's not as bad as it usually is, but I feel so lonely and secluded. I really don't like it, but I'm not sure there is much I can do about it right now other than pray and leave it in God's hands again and continue to do that until I can finally, truly leave it there.

I always say that I wish it were a few months from now so this would all be done and over with, but a few months from now will bring its own set of circumstances and issues to deal with. But at least it won't be this one right now, which is the worst kind for me. *Sigh* I just need to keep a steady focus on God and seek His will over mine and have faith it will all work out better than I could imagine. I just wish I had the patience to wait for God's timing instead of trying to make everything work when I want it to. Life would be much simpler...

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."

-Philippians 4:6-7 (Msg)

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers -- most of which are never even seen -- don’t you think he’ll attend to you and take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the times comes."

-Matthew 6:30-34 (Msg)

The Journey: Part One - Written March 16th, 2008

I feel lost, but not alone. I know God is there, but nonetheless, I feel as if I am wondering aimlessly with no sense of direction. Or rather, I suppose I have a sense of direction, but I honestly have no idea if it's it's the right one. I really don't want to make another bad choice right now and end up where I was. I'm trying so hard to do what I know is right and to go where I need to go. I know that things are getting better and that God is here with me helping me through it all - there is no other explanation.

A lot of the things that were bothering me before aren't causing me too many problems anymore. It's this new batch, of not so much problems, but questions, that are tying up my mind in a way that I really don't like. Some I know the answers to, but don't want to accept or don't know how to go about carrying it out. Others, I have some idea, but I don't want to risk messing it up by making a wrong choice. Then there are the questions that I have no idea about, and it drives me crazy. The last category is where the majority of my questions lie, unfortunately. I hate not being in the know and I am constantly searching for answers to everything. I feel like I am always asking who, why, where, when, how, or something else, instead of just trusting that God will do what is best for me - even when I don't know the way it is going to come about.

I guess when I really stop to think about it, I am going in the general direction that I need to be going. I just wish that it were a little more pointed and specific so that I wouldn't feel like I am lost. I don't know, maybe it's all already there and I'm just missing the fine print somehow. Usually I am a stickler for details, but perhaps I'm missing them this time around. Only time will tell, I suppose. The one thing that I do know is that everything will happen when God plans for it to, and it will all work out for His glory. I get the feeling that God is trying to beat the concept of patience into my head until I really do understand it's full meaning. It's not easy by any means - at least for myself.