Perpetual Darkness

When your eyes start to fade into the perpetual darkness that is at hand, there is usually a sense of overwhelming fear that walks hand-in-hand. Oddly enough, this time, there is not. As I'm slowly being choked by forces unseen, I don't feel much, if anything. I don't know if it's because I've realized there is nothing I can do, or because I know that God is there with me and will get me through it all.

That's much the problem with everything. I see the two extremes - there is no "middle ground" for me. It's all or nothing. Try as I might, I can't escape this pattern that seems to be hard-wired into my analytical processes. This same issue applies to my mood and attitude. I'm either super, happy go lucky, or depressed and angry beyond reason. There is the occasional time when I'm simply "okay", but that's usually just the short transition between one of the two extremes. Any other time, I'm usually horrible, and I'm sick of saying so, so I say that I'm fine. Some would chalk this up to being bi-polar, which I suppose could be it, but I don't think so.

One thing that is so frustrating, is that I know what's going on - at least for the most part. I'm caught up in a pattern, a circle if you will, and I keep going through the same motions. What's ridiculous is that this circle encompasses nearly every aspect of my life all at once. Of course, if that's the case, then you can most likely narrow down the origin of the issue to one thing - my relationship with God. Oh what a fickle thing it is, but only because I make it so.

Isn't that just ironic? Everything that happens, well, at least most of it, is because of my own actions in accordance to something else. One minute, I'm perfectly fine, then the next, something happens and I'm in the other extreme. I'm angry, upset, hurt, jealous, bitter, and so many other things, and all because I'm not secure enough in my relationship with God to just say, "It'll be okay, because I have you here with me, Jesus,". I don't have the patience, the grace, the mercy, the love, the desire, the heart, the anything, to be what I want and need to be. It's only through Christ that I gain any of that, and the moment I wander or stumble, I lose all grips on anything I had. I have to start over from the beginning again.

I'm miserable all the time. I am lonely all the time. I am sad all the time. I am wounded in my heart all the time. I say I want to be loved, yet I myself have no inkling of the true nature of love or how to give it. So therefore, how will I know what it means to have love? Why is love such a fickle thing. One minute, it takes you beyond the clouds, and the next it drives you into hell itself without any remorse. I'd give anything to have someone to hold and love right now - someone who I could marry and start a family with, but I'm not so naive that I don't understand it wouldn't work. I don't have the capacity or understanding to love selflessly, unconditionally, wholeheartedly and purely. I'm a slave to my flesh and I'm bound in lust, desire, jealously, anger, and all things evil. I want out, and I want freedom, yet it never comes no matter how much I ask. Though I don't think it's so much that it doesn't come, but rather that I don't accept it. It never ends...

Save Me From Myself

It's funny how things can change over and over in such a short frame of time.Or rather, I suppose it's really not all that comical. In fact, it inflicts a myriad of emotions that fester in my mind and heart until I begin to literally go crazy. It is utterly ridiculous how often this cycle repeats itself. I'm fine for a few days or a week, and then like an inescapable flood, everything washes over me, in nearly an instant, totally overwhelming me. I find myself drowning in anger, depression, loneliness, sadness, frustration, hurt and bitterness. It all pounds against the inside of my head, until I want to scream in an attempt to get some relief, but even if I were to do so, no one would hear me. Even now, my mind is so scrambled that I'm having trouble writing because I have no focus. I'm thinking half a hundred things at once, most of which contradict one or another, adding to the confusion. I get to the point where all I can do is curl up and ask over and over for God to wrap me in His arms and make it go away. When does this maddness end?

Most of which I battle with are things I've cried out for freedom from more than I can count. It's not that I'm stuck on stupid, but rather seems I'm stuck on insane. I keep going around the same mountain over and over hoping that the next time will render a different result. Even if I know that won't generate what I want it to, I go around and around regardless. Quite frankly, I can narrow down eighty percent of my issues to one thing, and all I want is closure in the ordeal. At this point, I've given up on any type of relationship/friendship because they just don't seem interested, no matter what I do. I just want closure so that I can MOVE ON. I'm tired of being dragged along like a rag doll by someone who's already moved on with their life, because I can't get closure from them. The issue is that I honestly don't believe that I will ever get that closure, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do exactly. I've laid this at God's feet many a time, and I keep taking it back because it tortures me so much. I just want to move far away and forget about it all...God save me from myself.

But a Small Update

So, it's been a while. I finally got tired of writing everyday, and eventually I just stopped for a week or however long it is. Even this one won't be long. I dunno...I just haven't been in the mood to write. Though, I'm sure that I'll have a long post here pretty soon. Perhaps The Journey Part Three.

So much has been happening in just the last week, and I'm really not sure how to take it all. I've got one part of me tugging this way, another that, and another this, and another that. More than anything, I just want to get where God wants me to be.

A small peak, I suppose. I had a conversation with her tonight for thirty minutes on the phone. Amazingly enough, it wasn't awkward. I really, really miss talking to her...but at the same time, those feelings are still there, so I'm trying to find some balance in order to make sure that I don't end up trapping myself. But, I said that I talked to her to say this. I actually prayed with her on the phone before I let her go. That was a HUGE step for me in going where God wants me to go. Like I've mentioned before, prayer is one of the places I feel God is moving me to, and I've always had this fear to pray with others...especially her. Granted it's not in person, but it's still a step in the right direction.

I could keep writing for a long time, but it's nearly two a.m. and I've got work in a wonderful seven hours.

Waiting for the Next

Today, was, uh...tiring. Work was exceedingly long, and I got sun burnt really bad. I started to feel sick and had a headache =(. Other than that, not a whole lot happened. Well, I guess something did, but I'm going to allude to mentioning anything further about it, haha...other than I'm trusting that God is starting to reveal His plan...

Here's a cool couple of verses I ran by today...

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

-Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV)

Nighty night...

Facing the Change

So, today was one of those days where it was just a good day. I got to go out to the church and dig a hole, which was actually rather invigorating, haha. It was a good work out, and I got to serve God =). After I got done with that I relaxed at home until we had service. Then I went to Wendy's with a couple of friends for a bit and talked. So, it was a good day.

I did do a lot of thinking again today though (surprise surprise). I've got a feeling that things are going to start changing again, and I don't know if I'm ready for it or not. But, I could be wrong, and things could continue to go as they have been.

Only time will tell, as always. I just wish I had more insight as to the direction that God wants me to take with my life so that I can really start to go after it. Once I set my mind on something, I'm 100% into it, but when I don't have a place to focus, I start to get antsy and it causes me a lot of problem. I just want that place to focus so I can go all out.

Well, I'm off to bed. Nighty night.

Today's Song: Pieces by Red

More of the Same

Well, today was normal. Work was long. That's about it, ha. I went and played some volleyball with some friends after work, and then came home. Tomorrow, I'm going to the church to help out with some stuff and hopefully taking my spiritual father to lunch. I'm really excited, to be honest. It's a privilege to get to serve others and help out.

Other than that, I'm feeling about the normal. The same stuff is still weighing on me, and I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do. I'm praying that God will show me clearly sometime soon. Anyway, I'm off to bed. Night...

Today's Song: Photograph by 12 Stones

For the Sake of Love

What am I missing? I know I've gone over this several times already, but I'm here again. Why am I still so hurt by what's going on with her? I know that I fell hard for her and I know it "takes time", but honestly, it's been three and a half months...when does it start getting better?

Am I stuck on stupid, or is God trying to tell me something? I'm at a loss here. She's been on my heart so heavily the last couple of weeks. I wanted to call her so bad today, just to say, "Hi, how are you?", because I feel like no one has done that lately and actually wanted to hear something other than, "I'm okay". Maybe, I'm way off base.

I'd do near anything for her because she means that much to me, which is why...I have to do nothing and let God do what He does. Quite frankly, I'd rather poke my eyes out with a dull, plastic spork, because I think it'd be less painful. I'm trying to trust that God will follow through on this - I really am. I'm getting worn down though, and I don't know how much longer I can do this...

I Wish You'd See

Today was good. Church was awesome, like always - I'm glad that I got to go. She wasn't there again today, so again, it was nice to not have that distraction there...although I still wish she'd have come. Quite honestly, I'd like to know how she is ~really~ doing. I'd ask, but I really feel that I wouldn't get an honest answer for her. I just wish she'd see that she has friends that truly care about her and want to see her well and happy. Friends who love her so much and would do almost anything for her. I don't know, maybe she does, but whatever is causing all this crud, I rebuke in the name of Jesus. I'm sick and tired the broken friendships and it's affect on so many people.

I feel God is starting to move in a lot of areas, so only He knows what's going to happen. All I can do is pray and hope that it all works out. Which it will, but it may not be in the way I want it to, and I need to get myself to where I'm humble enough to accept that if it's the case. I just need to walk the path God wants me to, and be obedient to Him, and everything else will fall into place.

I'm off the bed - gots work early in the morn'. Nighty.

Today's Song: You're Grace Is Enough by Matt Maher

Waiting For Tomorrow

Well, today was basically just another day. Work was so slow and boring that I got exhausted from doing nothing...I honestly can't stand it. I even tried to find stuff to do and asked my managers for things, but it never took me more than twenty minutes to finish whatever it was.

I finally finished typing out all the stuff on that dream that I had. I must say, I've been thinking about it a lot and I'm really wondering what it all means. I feel there is something there that God is trying to tell me.

Other than that, I have tomorrow off, so I get to go to church, which I'm excited about. The only thing I'm not looking forward to is seeing her. It always makes me sad =(. Anyway, I'm crashin'. Night!

Today's Song: You Won't Relent (Seal) by Misty Edwards

When Will It End?

Well, today was actually a good day, until the end =(. I spent the morning working on writing out all the details on my dream, and I'm about halfway done. Work was easy and boring. However, one of the guys in our department is transfering to a different one because a couple of people quit in it, so our schedules are going to get chaotic.

After I got off work, I headed to the church to see people and my family, and I was great, until she spend like fifteen minutes loving on my sisters like they are family, whilst I'm five feet away. It made me absolutely infuriated, even though it shouldn't have. It just really, really upsets me that she can do that and completely ignore me - it's like a slap in the face after everything that's happened.

I'm to the point where I really can't take it anymore. I'm tired of seeing her. I'm tired of dealing with these feelings when I do. I'm tired of it all. Sadly, there is no simple solution that I can see. I can't just stop going to church there because I know it's where I'm supposed to be. I can't shut off the feelings. What am I supposed to do? How freaking long must I wait for this to all conclude? It's utterly ridiculous...

Today's Song: Lie To Me by 12 Stones

Dream of Meaning?

Today was a normal day off - nothing all that great. The only thing that really sticks out is a very long and complex dream that I had last night. I've started journaling my dreams when I wake up, and this one took up a whole page, haha. It was mostly about her, but it had a lot of other stuff in there too - lots of symbols. I'm really curious as to what it means. I believe there is something I'm supposed to get from it because there was far too much in it, and too many details, lol.

Other than that, I started working on memorizing guitar scales (finally). I was supposed to go do something tonight with some people, but never got a hold of them. It's okay though. I gotta work tomorrow evening, so hopefully service will run a little past nine so that I can catch some of it.

Anyway, off to bed - nighty.

Today's Song: Empty Me by Jeremy Camp

I Really Like Your Hair

Hmmm, today...today was good. Work was so easy that it made me tired (if that makes any sense, haha). It consisted of placing 400+ labels on various trees to indicate that they are, in fact, a lesser price. Unless, of course, it's one of those odd balls where the "Everyday Low Price" is something like $49.99, and the "As Advertised" fall sale value is $57.99...go go common sense. After that, I assembled yet another grill, w00t. After that, I went home, relaxed, and got ready for church.

You know, funny things happen at the oddest times. Right when I walked into church, she walked by, I waved, she said "I like really like your hair", and I said "Thanks"...and that was it. It's still making me laugh, and I honestly don't know why, but it is, haha. One thing I do know, is that I have more peace than I had before, which is rather odd, but I'm not going to complain. I have a feeling that things are going to get interesting very soon - be it good or bad, I don't know. I'm positive that God has it all under control though.

Well, I'm gonna crash. Nighty.

Today's Song: Sleepwalking by Blindside

A Cry For Intimacy

I try to comprehend why some things are so hard to let go of, but in the end, it always complicates the problem. At some point, I'm going to have to accept that there is absolutally nothing that I can do, nothing I can say, nothing at all. Some things simply are, and you either accept it and move on, or you let it cosume you and tear you apart from the inside out. Quite honestly, I'm getting tired of the latter option. I hate these feelings that well up from inside at the worst times - that are connected to things that I enjoy. I want, no, I need freedom. There is just this twisted part of me, that for some reason, loves to hold on to these things that drag me into hell.

Is it so much to ask to simply want to live for God? To give Him all my love, all my devotion, all my passion? To entrust him with my thoughts, dreams, hopes, loves, hurts? Why, when it's the most ridiculously obvious choice, is it so impossibly hard? Why, when God has never, ever let me down, stopped loving me, stopped calling for me, stopped fighting tooth and nail for my soul, do I still turn my back on Him over the most utterly stupid things? It's absolutely infuriating to me. My heart cries out for an intimacy with my Creator, but I deny myself that very thing more oft than not.

At some point, I'm either going to do what I need to do, or God is going to break me down once again, and honestly, I prefer the former, as the latter has always been hell. At some point, I'll fully realize that nothing else matters. At some point, it will all click, and only then will the rest of my life click.

Today's Song: Frontline by Pillar

Weather of Memories

Ah, what I'd give...but really, would I? It's just been one of those days where nostalgia has run rampant. Personally, I blame the weather. It brings back so many memories of things that I miss. Fifty-eight degrees, a slight breeze, clouds in the sky, and a setting sun. I want someone to snuggle up with and hold onto - I'd give nearly anything. It's so frustrating...I don't want money, I don't want fame, I don't want stuff...I just want to love and be loved. I want to be married and have a family so much that it's nearly painful.

The thing is that I know I'm not ready. There are things in my life that I have to get sorted out before I will be. I need to get myself back in order, get my goals planned out, get a couple of them accomplished, work on rebuilding my life into what God wants it to be and only then consider trying to fit someone else into that puzzle. It's hard to fit someone else into your life when you don't have all the pieces of yourself in order, because you don't know where or how they fit.

I know that it's all just a matter of time before things start to fall into place. All that it requires is that I stay walking in the will of God. He knows my heart's desires, and he will fulfill them (Psalm 37:4). I'm also sure, that like with nearly everything in my life, it will take me completely by surprise. I can deal with that though, because it'll make it that much easier to give God all the glory. However, I really do hope that this season of testing doesn't take as long as it usually does.

Well, I'm off to bed, as I have to be up in the morning for work.

Today's Song: Something New by Fireflight

Denying Myself

Well, today wasn't nearly as eventful as I thought it would be. At least not in the sense I thought. She wasn't at church today, which is really odd, but at the same time, it allowed me to focus on God without being distracted. My football team lost, when they should have won, but that's life, haha. And I took a nap, which I haven't done in ages.

But you know, going back to her...she's really been on my heart a lot lately. It's not just that letter either. It's hard to explain I guess, and honestly, I don't fully understand it myself. I don't know if it's just my emotions getting the better of me, or if it's something that God is placing on me. Either way, it's just been eating at me and it's starting to really wear me down. This whole thing has been going on far longer than it should have, but it's still there. I just miss her so much. You know, honestly, even if she treated me like total crap, just to have her in my life again...I mean, she is my friend, and that's never changed. I hate this separation and stuff that is going on. It tears at my heart everyday. I've nearly sent her a text a couple of times today because I want to talk to her that bad. I have no idea what to say though. That, and I figure that since I gave her that letter, I need to just leave it at that and let God work the way that He wants to.

I just want freedom from this whole thing so that I can finally have peace in my heart. We heard a message tonight from my pastor's pastor, and his message was simple. You reap what you sow. I want so badly to sow the right things in my life. Especially with this situation with her that's been looming for too long. I'm asking God to search my heart and show me what I need to do to receive freedom from this. It's one of the biggest things holding me back from getting where God wants me to be. The hardest part is that a piece of me holds on to a hope that it'll all work out in the end, and it could, because God can do anything, but right now that makes it so hard to do what I need to do.

In the end, it comes down to this. I just want to give my life one hundred percent to God. I want to be a disciple for Christ. The issue is that it's extremely hard to do because it requires an utter denial of self. God willing, He will help mold me into a man that can do that without having to strive so hard to make the right choice, but at the same time I want it to bring me joy to struggle for Christ. I want to be so wrapped up in God that I can say no to sin without even contemplating it. That is my desire.

I'm off to bed. God bless and good night.

Today's Song: You Are Everything by Matthew West

An Ordinary Day

Today was a very uneventful day. Work was okay I guess. I had nothing to do most of the time because I'd already done everything my managers could come up with, haha.

Really, today had nothing of significance occur =(. Tomorrow could be interesting depending on a few things, but no matter what I'm going to make the best of it. I'm really happy I get to be at church again this week too.

Oh, a couple of days ago, I had a dream that actually remembered to right down details about, haha. So I'm excited to continue with pastors class on dreams, lol.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna head on to bed. Night night...

Today's Song: Beyond Measure by Jeremy Camp

One Life to Love

Today was a variable roller coaster, I guess. Work was easy, as always. However, I was rather peeved that my hourly supervisor dictated to me that I had to go to lunch after I'd only been there for two hours and fifteen minutes because there was "no one there after four to cover it". Truth be told, he was there after four, but didn't want to be the only one there in the department for an hour because he didn't want to work. Needless to say, I was rather mad. Other than that, the rest of the night went rather smooth.

After I got off, I stopped by the church hoping to catch the tail end of service tonight, but I got there right as it ended. I did get to visit with some people though, which was nice, and I got to see my family. I talked to my sisters about how school was going, which was cool 'cause we don't get to talk a lot. Then my youngest sister fell sleep on my lap, which was adorable. I did see her there tonight too, and I had the same reaction as always, which sucks =(. She's also got my phone number now 'cause the church directories came out tonight. I don't think she will text though because I feel she wants me to talk to her first, heh...

Other than that, I got home, got laundry done, and I'm getting ready to go to bed. My littlest brother did come down in tears though because he forgot his homework at school. I prayed with him and told him it was okay and such. He thanked me for comforting him, which honestly melted my heart. I love my brothers and sisters so, so much. I know there are times that I don't show that as much as I should, too. That's something I think God is starting to reveal to me - how to show love in a more understandable and visual manner. Above all, I really have got to break out of my comfort zone and start praying for people face-to-face. I've only got one live and it's my job to make the most out of it by fulfilling God's purpose for me. I have a deep desire to, but I keep stopping myself in fear all the time.

Well, I think that I'm going to go to sleep now. I'm tired and I gotta be up at 6:30 to get ready for work. Night and God bless.

Today's song: One Life to Love by 33 Miles

A New Season

Today was simply, amazing. I slept in again until around nine, got up, and relaxed until I had to go to work. And work was so easy today, haha. The weather was around 65 out all day long, cloudy, and a little rainy - my favorite weather. I got to spend a few hours out in it moving mums around on a display, hehe. After that, I went inside and stocked stuff, which I did for years, so I could do it in my sleep. Plus, I had maybe a tenth of what I'm used to, so it was cake.

The only thing that threw my day off was my boss told me to go home a little early so I could see my wife and kid before they went to bed. It made me so sad 'cause I wish with all my heart I had that. I know God's got it in His plan for me, it's just a matter of timing. That, and I have to work next Friday night and Sunday =(. Hopefully, I can switch with someone again because it's really, really irritating.

With all that's going on, I know that this new season in my life is one of testing. which God is letting me go through - a season of ripening. I'm going to do my best to take everything that happens in stride, and allow God to work in me the way he wants to. I want the things of God so badly. I want to be at that point where no matter what happens, I can say that it's all right because I have Jesus Christ to cling to.

I've found myself going into tears just hearing songs lately. Or I hear a word for someone that I know they've been waiting to hear for a long time, and the same thing happens. I cry so much now-a-days, simply because of the grace and love of God in my life. I'm starting to realize that God is setting up my life so that everything I have is dependent on Him. Without Jesus, I would have absolutely nothing. And you know, that's something I gladly accept, because God is the one person you can entrust everything to and feel completely and totally confident that you will be safe.

I'm off to bed. Night and blessings.

Today's Song: You by Britt Nicole

Letting Go

Today was one of those lazy kinda days. I didn't have work, which was nice, so I got to sleep in some and relax all day. The weather was simply amazing! Sixty or so degrees with a nice light rain all day. Now, to most people, that kind of weather is dismal, but for me, it's the most relaxing thing on earth (and I got to wear my coat! Haha...I love my coat). Not to mention, it's like the best kind of weather for me to connect with God because everything is so peaceful to me and my mind is calm so I can think.

So, she has the letter and I believe I've finally let go - the rest is up to God. I'm going to start moving on and whatever happens, happens. I know God has everything under control and that He is orchestrating something really big right now. I really can't wait to see what happens in the next few months. Not just with myself, but with those around me. I really feel like everything is about to go "BOOM", in a good way, of course.

I guess a good way of putting it all, is something that I wrote a while back on a sticky note:

"Although we may not see it now, all the pieces are there. We just have to wait for them to be put together the correct way. When we try to force pieces together that aren't made for each other, the big picture gets all messed up, and the pieces will never fit right. Let God put it together the right way, and in His timing. Only He knows how the final picture is supposed to look."

Well, that's all for tonight. I'm gonna head to bed 'cause I'm tired.

Today's song: Call My Name by Third Day

God Is Amazing

Well, today was rather awesome. Work was long, but enjoyable, really, which is a nice change. What really made the day awesome was that I got to hang out with my spiritual father on my lunch. It's really such an amazing blessing to have him in my life. I got to play volleyball, which is always a plus, haha. AND, I had a guy that wanted to switch his Sunday off for my Saturday...so I get to go to church!! I'm so stoked. God is simply amazing. It's so cool all the little things that he'll do in our lives just to see us smile. I think I've said "I love you, God" at least a hundred times today, haha.

I've made the decision that I'm going to give her that letter. But with it, I'm going to ask that she pray about it before she reads it, and only to read it when she feels God is saying that she should. I believe that letter has a purpose, but it has to be at the right time and place.

Other than that, I've got tomorrow off, and I'm gonna sleep in 'cause I'm crazy tired. God bless!

Three Reasons For Why I Give Up

Well...today was on the verge of horrible. A ten hour work day with only one thirty minute break. I come home, and have an IM from her wanting to ask a question. I e-mail her back and she asks me who told her that her and her boyfriend were together and not to lie because I'm protecting someone.

First off...why in the blinking blue heck does she care that I know? Is she that insecure in her relationship with him, that me knowing is going to somehow cause the catastrophic downfall of her newly rekindled relationship and plunge her into the abyss of loneliness?

Second...Why is she, once again, trying to insight drama into her life and others, when she claims to hate it so much. I don't know how many times she complained about life being like high school, yet she bring it on herself. Her need for attention is almost the the point of an O.C.D., in my opinion. Although, I know it's mostly because of her past. Nonetheless, you'd think you'd make an effort to elevate the issue from your life some, instead of calling for it with arms wide open.

Third...No one needed to tell me because EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS - IT'S COMPLETELY FREAKING OBVIOUS. A dead stump could figure this one out without a hint.

I love the girl to death, but come on - when does it end? Seriously, I don't intend to be vain or anything, but I honestly feel she's got something in her heart that won't let me go. Every couple of weeks she does something to grab my attention. It's usually immature or whatever, but nevertheless, it does the job because I'm vulnerable.

I really want to give her that letter, but now I feel like I'd be opening Pandora's Box and unleashing an unstoppable hell upon myself - not to mention others. I'm not claiming to be the pinnacled perfection of maturity, but good Lord, please grow up. That, or stop complaining that life is like you are still in high school.

That is all. /rant off

Today's song: One Step Closer by Linkin Park

The Unwritten Letter

I see you pass by
And I wonder what lies behind your eyes
Do you think back?
Or did you burn the memories?
There's so much I wish I could say
But the timing, it always seems to be wrong
Not now, not here, maybe tomorrow, but not today
But tomorrow never seems to come, and yesterday is so far gone

They say if you love something to let it go
But to that I say, if you really love something
Hold onto it for dear life
Because love is something the world seeks to steal and warp
To make into something superficial and meaningless
True, pure, compassionate love is a rarity in this lifetime
And it's something I feel is worth fighting for
If you only knew how much I still give to you

What I'm saying is, that I love you
And I don't think I will ever stop
I've tried so many times to let it go
But in the end, my heart still holds on
I won't pretend it's not painful, because it is
Far more than I want to admit sometimes
But I wouldn't trade it for anything
Because that would mean that you were never in my life

But even if it's not all my fault
I blame myself for everything
For failing to be the man I should have been
For failing to do what I should have done
Even now tears fall from my eyes
Because I miss you so much
I miss your smile, your laugh, your touch
And most of all, I miss your love

I wish I could tell you how much joy you gave me
How I couldn't sleep at night cause I was thinking about you
How you made me smile when I didn't want to
How you could melt my heart with just a glance and a smile
All of this I wish with all of my heart I could say
But all I can do is watch you walk away
And bury it all in my heart
This unwritten letter to you

If I Did, Would You Hate Me?

Ah, today...today. Not a lot happened really. I got to go to church, but it was family Sunday, so I was twenty minutes late, haha. Plus my normal seat was taken. Luckily, I had some good friends that had an extra seat near them. The downside was it was on the front row, lol. However, I think it was all part of God's strategic plan to work on getting me outside of my comfort zone. In the end, I was oddly comfortable with sittin' there. Plus it got me away from her and her boyfriend which sit two seats down from where I normally am, so I was at least a little less distracted, even though I was able to see them straight across from where I sat this morning =(.

Still don't know if I'm what I'm going to do with that letter. I want to give it to her, but at the same time, she looks happy with where she is. I don't want to disturb that because it's not my intent. I just want some kind of closure so I can freakin' move on already. It's going to come down to making a choice in the next couple of days and then leaving it at that. I will accept whatever happens as a result. It's time I stopped being distracted and delayed and get on with what God has for me. I may not have a clue what it is, and everything may be seem totally chaotic and messed up right now...but I know that means God is setting me up for something big that's going to hit from out of nowhere. I know that by the end of this I will have an amazing testimony (well, even more so than already) of what God can and will do. It's all just a matter of timing (ugh, lol).

Other than that, I'm gearing up for another long week. Tomorrow I work, so I don't get to go to my grandparents like I normally do for labor day (yay for working retail), and then I have volleyball practice. Tuesday is the same, but it's a game instead of practice. I'm off Wednesday. Thursday and Friday I close, so I miss the Friday night service. I'm off Saturday, and I work Sunday. So, it's going to be two weeks at the earliest before I get to go to church =(. I think what God is trying to get through to me is that I don't need church to experience His presence, but at the same time, I really, really don't want to miss what's going on. However, I know that this is all part of my "Process of Glory", and God will honor the fact that I'm working.

That's all for now. May God give you a good week!

Today's song: Breathe Into Me by Red...rock on.

What To Do

Well, today was interesting - not. I was sick this morning, so I didn't go to work. That was a mistake, cause it meant I was home alone, sick, and bored out of my mind.

I still haven't decided if I'm going to give her that letter yet or not. I'm going to have to trust God to help me make the right choice concerning it all. Matters of the heart are always so complicated and difficult...I wish they weren't. Other than that, I watch The Passion of the Christ for the first time since it was in theaters way back when. It still had the same impact on me. I cried 'till I couldn't anymore (yes, I'm an emotional, compassionate guy *gasp*), and I'm mentally exhausted from it all. It's just amazing what Jesus when through just so that we could be free from sin. Amazing really doesn't cut it actually...there are no word to describe that sort of sacrifice.

I think I'm going to head to bed now. I get to go to church tomorrow cause I don't have to work. Yay! Blessings...

Another Rant

Well, today was not such a good day. Despite my best efforts to be otherwise, I am miserable yet again. Work was long, I still have no idea about the other job, I'm home alone all weekend and I'm super lonely with no one to talk to. And it seems like every little thing that could go wrong today has. I'm immensely frustrated and that makes me more frustrated because I hate getting worked up over little stuff. Plus, I wrote that letter tonight, so I'm kind of an emotional wreck because of everything. It's amazing how the same emotion that can bring you endless joy, can bring you deathly sorrow. Love is an amazing thing for sure...

Sadly, I have to go to bed soon because I have to be up for work in eleven hours. I still don't understand what the heck God is trying to get through to me. I'm tired of feeling the way I do. And yea, I know, "change it", right? I've been trying, nothing is working, and I refuse to fake happiness. I did that for far too long and in the end it just makes things worse. Perhaps I'm too open about what I'm feelings sometimes, but I'm not going to say that I'm sorry for wearing my feelings on my sleeve. I'm tired of people who fake who they are because they are too scared of what others will think.

Anyway, that's my rant for the night. Off to bed. Nighty.

Just Another Day

Well, today was the normal. Get up, go to work, come home, go to bed...yay. Gotta be up at 6:30 to get ready for work tomorrow - I can't wait. I did something to my back and my leg is hurting like crazy and is partially numb. I'm really hoping that God chooses to impart grace on me soon and relieve it all.

Really not much other than that. Still missing her, like always. I'm hoping that this all ends soon. I just have this intense desire to be in love and have a family and whatnot. I'm really trying to trust God in all this stuff. Especially work and relationships. I'm not sure why I'm be stuck at a job right now where I am missing all the amazing things going on at church because I have to work, when I have another job, that is so much better, literally right there waiting for one guy to give an okay. And I don't know why I have to endure these feelings I have for her when they could just be lifted. What I do know is that God is using it all in some way to shape me into the man of God I'm supposed to be. If I miss church, God will honor that because I'm obeying and doing what I need to do. And really, there is a woman out there that God can't wait to show to me because He knows that she is the one. It's just all a matter of preparation and timing so that it will all work out as He designed. I have no doubt that once it all comes to fruition, He will be filled with as much joy as I will. Well, that's all for tonight. I need to get to bed so I can wake up in the morning. Be blessed and filled with joy!

p.s. Oh! One of my new favorite songs is Empty Me by Chris Sligh. Really, it's an amazing song. Listen to it sometime.

Insert Random Witty Title Here

So, today was rather, uh, dull. Work was easy, but exhausting. I got to move blocks around outside for 6 hours in crazy heat, making a display patio. Ooodles of fun there. I think I drank like 3 gallons of water or something. But hey, I got to come home and make some fresh sweet tea and spaghetti - so I can't complain, haha. I did run into a very cool verse (well, two actually, but they are together) today, kinda by random, that stuck to me. Here they are:

People with their minds set on you,
you keep completely whole,
Steady on their feet,
because they keep at it and don't quit.
Depend on God and keep at it
because in the Lord God you have a sure thing.

-Isaiah 26:3-4 (Msg)

Basically, focus yourself on God, keep doing it no matter what, and He will keep you whole. Even if you don't think it - it's there. And God is the one thing that you can pour everything into,and be absolutely sure that you aren't going to have wasted anything.

That's my day. I'm gonna start trying to journal every day, as it helps me maintain my sanity to a better degree...or so it seems, haha. Maybe, just maybe, I will get more readers that'll comment =). Nighty!

Guard Your Heart

So, it's been a while since I've written anything. Life has been...interesting, I guess you could say. I finally got a job, which is a blessing from God, because I got it the day I was gonna get kicked out of my house. As for the job itself, it's monotonous, and it makes me miss church, but it's money. I'm hoping to get this other job soon that pays more, is twenty seconds from home, has more hours, and gives me Sundays off - rather, I expect to get it, because I honestly believe that God is going to open up that door.

Other than that, I'm still struggling with love. I still love and miss her like crazy, and I'm really not too sure how to fix it. It's been nearly three months now, and though time may heal all...it's certainly taking it's time on this one. I've laid it all at the alter so many times. I've prayed for soul-ties to be broken. I've forgiven her for everything and asked for forgiveness anytime bitterness shows up. I guess I just need some kind of closure. I still have no real idea why it all fell apart into nothing, seemingly so fast. It was suggested that I write her a letter, basically just pouring out my heart about how I feel. I think it's something I need to do. I'm one of those types that lets things go through writing. However, I don't think I'll be able to move on unless she actually reads this one. I really need to know that she knows how I feel. How, despite everything, I still love her, care for her, and miss her more than I can describe. I honestly believed that she was the one and I gave her every ounce of my heart. Love is a wondrous, beautiful thing, but it can leave you so completely devastated if you invest too much into the wrong person. Not that I'm saying it's wrong to love people with all your heart, but I'm referring to the romantic kind of love. Moving too fast and/or without God being in control of the relationship is like asking for a disaster. There is even a warning about it in the Bible.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

-Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

When it all comes down to it, I know that God has it all under control. even when I think otherwise, and He will use all things for the greater good. I know for certain that God is forming in me a well of compassion for people. It's always been there, but God is really starting to bring it out. As always, I'm excited to see what God is going to do next - in my life, and other's.

I know many don't read this, but I have a prayer request. I'm really, really wanting to see this other job I have in the works come through, and I need direction about where I am to go next in my walk with God. I guess, that's actually two, but it works. Thanks to all, and blessings to you.

The Journey: Part Two

So, originally I had something like two pages of stuff typed out, with a lot more to go, but I decided to scrap it all. Honestly, I have to finish writting something in one setting or it just doesn't mesh with the next time I sit down. I guess it could be described as being caught up in a moment, but that's when I write my best, or so I think.

The last few months - what a ride. I met the most amazing girl ever, who absolutely blew me away, we moved too fast, got engaged, it ended suddenly and sadly, we don't talk anymore. I've made new friends who I would have never thought of finding before. I've grown so much closer to all of my family. I was baptized in the Spirit. I've been set free from so many things, stumbled, got set free again, stumbled again. I've made people mad. People have made me mad. I've disappointed people. People have disappointed me. I've made so many mistakes that I can't even think of them all. I am completely impatient with everything. I want things that I know I can't have right now and I have a hard time letting them go. The things that I can have, that are right in front of me, I don't take most of the time. I let myself be tormented by one thing far too often, but I don't let myself be free of it because I long for it so much. I've been stuck on "stupid" a lot...and I mean a lot. There is so much more and I could go on and on and on, but I digress. Oh, and I have a new found fondness of being honest and transparent...

So, what is the significance of listing all that in a long, rambling paragraph? To say this: Good, bad, ugly, stupid, painful, or whatever the situation, God uses it to shape us a little more into what he wants us to be. Through each situation we become just a little stronger and we get one more piece to the puzzle that defines us. Probably the best way I've heard this described is from one of the men I respect most in my life, who has taken so much time out of his own busy schedule to invest in me. He defined it as our "Process of Glory", and I couldn't agree more.

Through everything that's happened, my relationship with Jesus Christ is on a level I never knew really existed and I know that it can go so much deeper. What's more, in the process, I have learned so much about myself - those puzzle pieces I mentioned. I'll list some of the good things I have discovered.

• I was made to love deep and care for others - I still don't fully know why, and I've gotten myself into a lot of trouble with this one because I give my heart too freely, too quickly...but I know God has a reason.
  

• I was made to pray and intercede - I love praying, especially for others. I honestly can talk to God for hours about whatever. I'm sure people have thought I am crazy because I sound like I'm talking to myself.
  

• I was made to listen - Despite my inherent shyness, I truly do love to talk to people. I enjoy hearing about people's lives - where they've been, how they got through, and what God is doing right then. Though, I admit, I like to talk too, ha.

Along with the good, comes the bad. God has revealed a lot of things in my life which I need to deal with and get away from - all out of his love for me because he wants to see me become the man of God he made me to be.

• I make the same mistakes over and over - I have this terrible issue with repeating the same mistake over and over. I get stuck on "stupid" and do it even though I know I shouldn't.

• I struggle with pride, lust, jealousy, envy, anger, forgiveness, patience, trying to control situations/people, and trusting in God/others - Yeah, I know that's a long, deadly list, but at least I know now, instead of being totally blind like before. God has been dealing with me on this stuff, and it's been rough...
  

• I struggle with fear - More like I have major issues with it, and it's infuriating. It doesn't seem to matter what the situation, I have fear, and it's keeping me from taking the steps I need to make in order to get where I need to be. Even something as simple as reaching out is impossibly hard for me. I've prayed and prayed and prayed about this, but what it all comes down to is I have to make the choice to do it, regardless of fear, and trust that God will take care of the rest.

Again, what the above struggles amount to is God taking me through my "Process of Glory". To delve a little deeper into that, I want to mention something my father said about a month ago. He read the following out of Hebrews 6:7-8 (NIV):

"Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned."

What he went on to say, is that throughout our lives we have planted good seed and bad seed, and when the times comes that God starts to pour out the rain of his grace and mercy, whatever we have planted is going to grow - be it good or bad. At that point, we have to start the process of weeding out the bad seed and letting God burn it up in order to make room for the good seed.

It's by no means a fun process, and at times it seems unbearable. However, I cling to the following verse:

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.

- I Corinthians 10:13 (Msg)

So, I know I can handle all of this, but I wish that God didn't trust me so much sometimes. Or maybe that I could trust myself as much as God trusts me. I'm tired of holding myself back from the things God has for me, for whatever reason. I want to be consumed by the fire of God and the calling he has for my life. I want to experience a pure joy in my life everyday that can only come from the blessing of God. I want to fall madly and completely in love with God, the one I know I can invest my love in and it won't leave me brokenhearted.

I know God has everything under control and that if I trust him and be patient, when the time is right, the things that I desire will come into my life.

It's all right there, just a few steps away...all I need to do is start walking and reach out for it...

It's the same for everyone, no matter what the situation...

God bless

My Goodbye

There's so many things that I've wanted to say, which I haven't gotten the chance to, and I doubt I ever will. So many questions I wish I could have an answer to. But, I know the only thing that I can do is let it all go and move on, knowing that God has my life and future in his loving, caring hands.

If only there were a way to explain to you how I really feel - it's almost impossible. There is a true sadness, but at the same time I'm so thankful and joyful. Though I may lose a friend forever, memories have been made that will never fade in my heart, and I know that in time I will look back, remember, and smile. But right now, I'm here crying again because I'm thinking of you, knowing that you don't even think of me anymore. I just wish I could show you how I feel - show you the depths of my heart. I just wish I could hold you and kiss you again. That I could look into your eyes and see that smile once more. That I could hear those three words that took me to a place so far from here one more time.

You'll never know how much I miss you, or, despite everything, how much I still love you. There hasn't been a day gone by that I haven't thought of you and wished there was something I could say to change it all. You have no idea how hard it is to see you and have to walk on by like I don't know you; to pretend that you weren't a big part of my life. I hope one day we find our way back together somehow...but tonight, I put it all in the box of memories contained in my heart, hoping for that day to come. Tonight, I have to let you go. I can't wait any longer...I have to move on.

Goodbye for now, but hopefully never forever...

Ich liebe dich...you were my world.

I Do Not Belong

This song has for some reason captivated my heart...it reminds me that God has it all under control and that I don't belong in a world of broken pieces. God will fix everything and make it better than I could on my own. He has the blueprint for my life. Even if I think it's not getting put together right, He is the architect and knows best. In the end, what matters is that I glorify Him in all that I do - He'll take care of the rest.

"I Do Not Belong" by Kutless

I look around and I feel like, thing's changed and I don't know why
And everyday that passes by I feel so far away
I can see in the distance, You have the rest of me
I put my trust in you, as I look beyond today
It's all becoming clear

I do no belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong

When the world is behind me on the day that I breathe my last
In the face of eternity there's hope cause' I believe
When I look to the heavens and the future that you hold
It makes it easier to see beyond today
Now I'm looking to the sky

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong

This world is not my home
I'm a stranger in this land
But I am not alone
When I do not belong

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong
No, I do not belong

Like a Cold Night...

Loneliness is setting in again like darkness on a cold winter's night. I have few people I can really converse with on the level I need to right now - I really hate superfluous conversations. I feel like the desires of my heart are getting farther and farther away with each passing day. Mayhaps those desires are not the ones that God sees as best for my life., or maybe I am simply being tested and molded. Either way, all I can do is trust in Him.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

-Psalms 37:4 (NIV)

"In his heart man plans his course, but God determines his steps."

-Proverbs 16:9 (NIV)

"Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails."

-Proverbs 19:21 (NIV)

"A man’s steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand his own way?"

-Proverbs 20:24 (NIV)


I believe myself to be delighting myself in the Lord. I love to pray, I love to worship, and I want find my true calling. However, I wonder if God isn't asking more of me and I just haven't realized it yet, or maybe I have and I'm reluctant. I know there is at least one thing that I'm not being obedient on, but it's always been an issue for me. I'm fighting it, but like always, it seems to have it's grip on me and I can't seem to get free. Or maybe it's more like the fact that I feel comfortable where I am and I don't want to lose total grip on what I perceived as my reality?

I think what God has been trying to get me to do all along is let go of everything I knew because it was almost all wrong. My life was based on a solid foundation of Christ, but somewhere along the line it started to deviate from that narrow path and I created my own reality which manipulated everything to the way I wanted it to be - God included. I feel once I can let go and let God have total control of everything (and trust me when I say that is really, really hard), it will all fall into place, and God will be able to finish restructuring my life¹. Until I can do that, I'm at a standstill, and I do not like it. I feel so stretched out, yet, I'm not really doing anything. That alone should be an indicator that I'm doing something wrong.

Like a close friend of mine said, I need to engage and surround myself with people who are like "Jesus with skin". I need people who will encourage me, build me up, advise me, correct me, love me, listen to me, be honest, etc. and I have no problems doing the same for them.Unfortunately, that's rather difficult to find people who are like that.

On a closing note, I find it funny how we always say time is precious, yet we are always waiting for the things we want the most. I really wish I knew what it felt like to have absence make the heart grow fonder...it always seems to make it grow more distant and unrealistic for me. I pray God will change that soon...

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¹ "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished..." - Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

Sigh...

So, tonight has pretty much sucked 'cause I've found myself thinking and worrying about stuff I thought I'd left in God's hands. It's not as bad as it usually is, but I feel so lonely and secluded. I really don't like it, but I'm not sure there is much I can do about it right now other than pray and leave it in God's hands again and continue to do that until I can finally, truly leave it there.

I always say that I wish it were a few months from now so this would all be done and over with, but a few months from now will bring its own set of circumstances and issues to deal with. But at least it won't be this one right now, which is the worst kind for me. *Sigh* I just need to keep a steady focus on God and seek His will over mine and have faith it will all work out better than I could imagine. I just wish I had the patience to wait for God's timing instead of trying to make everything work when I want it to. Life would be much simpler...

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."

-Philippians 4:6-7 (Msg)

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers -- most of which are never even seen -- don’t you think he’ll attend to you and take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the times comes."

-Matthew 6:30-34 (Msg)

Honesty

You know, I have no problem being honest and transparent when people ask me about things, it's just most people never really take the time to do that for whatever reason. So instead, they tend to assume. Then you flip the situation and I ask how someone is doing or what's going on in their life, and I usually get a facade of some sort. So rarely do I get a truly honest answer. It's immensely frustrating...why are we so programmed to run from issues instead of standing and facing them? Why are we so programmed to not open up to others and ask for help even when it's freely offered?

I've struggled with this myself, but I've gotten to the point where I'm going to be honest. If you ask me how I am, be prepared to hear something other than a superfluous "fine" or "I'm doing okay". Sure, there are times where I am doing good, but life is a struggle most times and I'm tired of faking happiness. I honestly feel that constantly bottling up those issues is what causes that seemingly endless downward spiral of increasing depression and problems.

I feel that until we as the Body of Christ start opening up to each other in honesty about what's going on in our lives and our struggles, we will never be unified in the way that God desires. Sure, there are things that should be kept private, but if you are struggling with something, find someone to pray with you! There are so many people that care and are willing to fight with you. I'm sure there's even someone you know that's gone through a similar situation who can give you counsel. The key is to open up. If you are shunned by some, don't let it discourage you. The people that you want in your life will stick with you through it and help you get to where you need to be.

Honestly, if you have a prayer request, let me know. It doesn't matter how big or small!

Blessings to you...

The Journey: Part One - Written March 16th, 2008

I feel lost, but not alone. I know God is there, but nonetheless, I feel as if I am wondering aimlessly with no sense of direction. Or rather, I suppose I have a sense of direction, but I honestly have no idea if it's it's the right one. I really don't want to make another bad choice right now and end up where I was. I'm trying so hard to do what I know is right and to go where I need to go. I know that things are getting better and that God is here with me helping me through it all - there is no other explanation.

A lot of the things that were bothering me before aren't causing me too many problems anymore. It's this new batch, of not so much problems, but questions, that are tying up my mind in a way that I really don't like. Some I know the answers to, but don't want to accept or don't know how to go about carrying it out. Others, I have some idea, but I don't want to risk messing it up by making a wrong choice. Then there are the questions that I have no idea about, and it drives me crazy. The last category is where the majority of my questions lie, unfortunately. I hate not being in the know and I am constantly searching for answers to everything. I feel like I am always asking who, why, where, when, how, or something else, instead of just trusting that God will do what is best for me - even when I don't know the way it is going to come about.

I guess when I really stop to think about it, I am going in the general direction that I need to be going. I just wish that it were a little more pointed and specific so that I wouldn't feel like I am lost. I don't know, maybe it's all already there and I'm just missing the fine print somehow. Usually I am a stickler for details, but perhaps I'm missing them this time around. Only time will tell, I suppose. The one thing that I do know is that everything will happen when God plans for it to, and it will all work out for His glory. I get the feeling that God is trying to beat the concept of patience into my head until I really do understand it's full meaning. It's not easy by any means - at least for myself.