I Really Like Your Hair

Hmmm, today...today was good. Work was so easy that it made me tired (if that makes any sense, haha). It consisted of placing 400+ labels on various trees to indicate that they are, in fact, a lesser price. Unless, of course, it's one of those odd balls where the "Everyday Low Price" is something like $49.99, and the "As Advertised" fall sale value is $57.99...go go common sense. After that, I assembled yet another grill, w00t. After that, I went home, relaxed, and got ready for church.

You know, funny things happen at the oddest times. Right when I walked into church, she walked by, I waved, she said "I like really like your hair", and I said "Thanks"...and that was it. It's still making me laugh, and I honestly don't know why, but it is, haha. One thing I do know, is that I have more peace than I had before, which is rather odd, but I'm not going to complain. I have a feeling that things are going to get interesting very soon - be it good or bad, I don't know. I'm positive that God has it all under control though.

Well, I'm gonna crash. Nighty.

Today's Song: Sleepwalking by Blindside

A Cry For Intimacy

I try to comprehend why some things are so hard to let go of, but in the end, it always complicates the problem. At some point, I'm going to have to accept that there is absolutally nothing that I can do, nothing I can say, nothing at all. Some things simply are, and you either accept it and move on, or you let it cosume you and tear you apart from the inside out. Quite honestly, I'm getting tired of the latter option. I hate these feelings that well up from inside at the worst times - that are connected to things that I enjoy. I want, no, I need freedom. There is just this twisted part of me, that for some reason, loves to hold on to these things that drag me into hell.

Is it so much to ask to simply want to live for God? To give Him all my love, all my devotion, all my passion? To entrust him with my thoughts, dreams, hopes, loves, hurts? Why, when it's the most ridiculously obvious choice, is it so impossibly hard? Why, when God has never, ever let me down, stopped loving me, stopped calling for me, stopped fighting tooth and nail for my soul, do I still turn my back on Him over the most utterly stupid things? It's absolutely infuriating to me. My heart cries out for an intimacy with my Creator, but I deny myself that very thing more oft than not.

At some point, I'm either going to do what I need to do, or God is going to break me down once again, and honestly, I prefer the former, as the latter has always been hell. At some point, I'll fully realize that nothing else matters. At some point, it will all click, and only then will the rest of my life click.

Today's Song: Frontline by Pillar

Weather of Memories

Ah, what I'd give...but really, would I? It's just been one of those days where nostalgia has run rampant. Personally, I blame the weather. It brings back so many memories of things that I miss. Fifty-eight degrees, a slight breeze, clouds in the sky, and a setting sun. I want someone to snuggle up with and hold onto - I'd give nearly anything. It's so frustrating...I don't want money, I don't want fame, I don't want stuff...I just want to love and be loved. I want to be married and have a family so much that it's nearly painful.

The thing is that I know I'm not ready. There are things in my life that I have to get sorted out before I will be. I need to get myself back in order, get my goals planned out, get a couple of them accomplished, work on rebuilding my life into what God wants it to be and only then consider trying to fit someone else into that puzzle. It's hard to fit someone else into your life when you don't have all the pieces of yourself in order, because you don't know where or how they fit.

I know that it's all just a matter of time before things start to fall into place. All that it requires is that I stay walking in the will of God. He knows my heart's desires, and he will fulfill them (Psalm 37:4). I'm also sure, that like with nearly everything in my life, it will take me completely by surprise. I can deal with that though, because it'll make it that much easier to give God all the glory. However, I really do hope that this season of testing doesn't take as long as it usually does.

Well, I'm off to bed, as I have to be up in the morning for work.

Today's Song: Something New by Fireflight

Denying Myself

Well, today wasn't nearly as eventful as I thought it would be. At least not in the sense I thought. She wasn't at church today, which is really odd, but at the same time, it allowed me to focus on God without being distracted. My football team lost, when they should have won, but that's life, haha. And I took a nap, which I haven't done in ages.

But you know, going back to her...she's really been on my heart a lot lately. It's not just that letter either. It's hard to explain I guess, and honestly, I don't fully understand it myself. I don't know if it's just my emotions getting the better of me, or if it's something that God is placing on me. Either way, it's just been eating at me and it's starting to really wear me down. This whole thing has been going on far longer than it should have, but it's still there. I just miss her so much. You know, honestly, even if she treated me like total crap, just to have her in my life again...I mean, she is my friend, and that's never changed. I hate this separation and stuff that is going on. It tears at my heart everyday. I've nearly sent her a text a couple of times today because I want to talk to her that bad. I have no idea what to say though. That, and I figure that since I gave her that letter, I need to just leave it at that and let God work the way that He wants to.

I just want freedom from this whole thing so that I can finally have peace in my heart. We heard a message tonight from my pastor's pastor, and his message was simple. You reap what you sow. I want so badly to sow the right things in my life. Especially with this situation with her that's been looming for too long. I'm asking God to search my heart and show me what I need to do to receive freedom from this. It's one of the biggest things holding me back from getting where God wants me to be. The hardest part is that a piece of me holds on to a hope that it'll all work out in the end, and it could, because God can do anything, but right now that makes it so hard to do what I need to do.

In the end, it comes down to this. I just want to give my life one hundred percent to God. I want to be a disciple for Christ. The issue is that it's extremely hard to do because it requires an utter denial of self. God willing, He will help mold me into a man that can do that without having to strive so hard to make the right choice, but at the same time I want it to bring me joy to struggle for Christ. I want to be so wrapped up in God that I can say no to sin without even contemplating it. That is my desire.

I'm off to bed. God bless and good night.

Today's Song: You Are Everything by Matthew West

An Ordinary Day

Today was a very uneventful day. Work was okay I guess. I had nothing to do most of the time because I'd already done everything my managers could come up with, haha.

Really, today had nothing of significance occur =(. Tomorrow could be interesting depending on a few things, but no matter what I'm going to make the best of it. I'm really happy I get to be at church again this week too.

Oh, a couple of days ago, I had a dream that actually remembered to right down details about, haha. So I'm excited to continue with pastors class on dreams, lol.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna head on to bed. Night night...

Today's Song: Beyond Measure by Jeremy Camp

One Life to Love

Today was a variable roller coaster, I guess. Work was easy, as always. However, I was rather peeved that my hourly supervisor dictated to me that I had to go to lunch after I'd only been there for two hours and fifteen minutes because there was "no one there after four to cover it". Truth be told, he was there after four, but didn't want to be the only one there in the department for an hour because he didn't want to work. Needless to say, I was rather mad. Other than that, the rest of the night went rather smooth.

After I got off, I stopped by the church hoping to catch the tail end of service tonight, but I got there right as it ended. I did get to visit with some people though, which was nice, and I got to see my family. I talked to my sisters about how school was going, which was cool 'cause we don't get to talk a lot. Then my youngest sister fell sleep on my lap, which was adorable. I did see her there tonight too, and I had the same reaction as always, which sucks =(. She's also got my phone number now 'cause the church directories came out tonight. I don't think she will text though because I feel she wants me to talk to her first, heh...

Other than that, I got home, got laundry done, and I'm getting ready to go to bed. My littlest brother did come down in tears though because he forgot his homework at school. I prayed with him and told him it was okay and such. He thanked me for comforting him, which honestly melted my heart. I love my brothers and sisters so, so much. I know there are times that I don't show that as much as I should, too. That's something I think God is starting to reveal to me - how to show love in a more understandable and visual manner. Above all, I really have got to break out of my comfort zone and start praying for people face-to-face. I've only got one live and it's my job to make the most out of it by fulfilling God's purpose for me. I have a deep desire to, but I keep stopping myself in fear all the time.

Well, I think that I'm going to go to sleep now. I'm tired and I gotta be up at 6:30 to get ready for work. Night and God bless.

Today's song: One Life to Love by 33 Miles

A New Season

Today was simply, amazing. I slept in again until around nine, got up, and relaxed until I had to go to work. And work was so easy today, haha. The weather was around 65 out all day long, cloudy, and a little rainy - my favorite weather. I got to spend a few hours out in it moving mums around on a display, hehe. After that, I went inside and stocked stuff, which I did for years, so I could do it in my sleep. Plus, I had maybe a tenth of what I'm used to, so it was cake.

The only thing that threw my day off was my boss told me to go home a little early so I could see my wife and kid before they went to bed. It made me so sad 'cause I wish with all my heart I had that. I know God's got it in His plan for me, it's just a matter of timing. That, and I have to work next Friday night and Sunday =(. Hopefully, I can switch with someone again because it's really, really irritating.

With all that's going on, I know that this new season in my life is one of testing. which God is letting me go through - a season of ripening. I'm going to do my best to take everything that happens in stride, and allow God to work in me the way he wants to. I want the things of God so badly. I want to be at that point where no matter what happens, I can say that it's all right because I have Jesus Christ to cling to.

I've found myself going into tears just hearing songs lately. Or I hear a word for someone that I know they've been waiting to hear for a long time, and the same thing happens. I cry so much now-a-days, simply because of the grace and love of God in my life. I'm starting to realize that God is setting up my life so that everything I have is dependent on Him. Without Jesus, I would have absolutely nothing. And you know, that's something I gladly accept, because God is the one person you can entrust everything to and feel completely and totally confident that you will be safe.

I'm off to bed. Night and blessings.

Today's Song: You by Britt Nicole

Letting Go

Today was one of those lazy kinda days. I didn't have work, which was nice, so I got to sleep in some and relax all day. The weather was simply amazing! Sixty or so degrees with a nice light rain all day. Now, to most people, that kind of weather is dismal, but for me, it's the most relaxing thing on earth (and I got to wear my coat! Haha...I love my coat). Not to mention, it's like the best kind of weather for me to connect with God because everything is so peaceful to me and my mind is calm so I can think.

So, she has the letter and I believe I've finally let go - the rest is up to God. I'm going to start moving on and whatever happens, happens. I know God has everything under control and that He is orchestrating something really big right now. I really can't wait to see what happens in the next few months. Not just with myself, but with those around me. I really feel like everything is about to go "BOOM", in a good way, of course.

I guess a good way of putting it all, is something that I wrote a while back on a sticky note:

"Although we may not see it now, all the pieces are there. We just have to wait for them to be put together the correct way. When we try to force pieces together that aren't made for each other, the big picture gets all messed up, and the pieces will never fit right. Let God put it together the right way, and in His timing. Only He knows how the final picture is supposed to look."

Well, that's all for tonight. I'm gonna head to bed 'cause I'm tired.

Today's song: Call My Name by Third Day

God Is Amazing

Well, today was rather awesome. Work was long, but enjoyable, really, which is a nice change. What really made the day awesome was that I got to hang out with my spiritual father on my lunch. It's really such an amazing blessing to have him in my life. I got to play volleyball, which is always a plus, haha. AND, I had a guy that wanted to switch his Sunday off for my Saturday...so I get to go to church!! I'm so stoked. God is simply amazing. It's so cool all the little things that he'll do in our lives just to see us smile. I think I've said "I love you, God" at least a hundred times today, haha.

I've made the decision that I'm going to give her that letter. But with it, I'm going to ask that she pray about it before she reads it, and only to read it when she feels God is saying that she should. I believe that letter has a purpose, but it has to be at the right time and place.

Other than that, I've got tomorrow off, and I'm gonna sleep in 'cause I'm crazy tired. God bless!

Three Reasons For Why I Give Up

Well...today was on the verge of horrible. A ten hour work day with only one thirty minute break. I come home, and have an IM from her wanting to ask a question. I e-mail her back and she asks me who told her that her and her boyfriend were together and not to lie because I'm protecting someone.

First off...why in the blinking blue heck does she care that I know? Is she that insecure in her relationship with him, that me knowing is going to somehow cause the catastrophic downfall of her newly rekindled relationship and plunge her into the abyss of loneliness?

Second...Why is she, once again, trying to insight drama into her life and others, when she claims to hate it so much. I don't know how many times she complained about life being like high school, yet she bring it on herself. Her need for attention is almost the the point of an O.C.D., in my opinion. Although, I know it's mostly because of her past. Nonetheless, you'd think you'd make an effort to elevate the issue from your life some, instead of calling for it with arms wide open.

Third...No one needed to tell me because EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS - IT'S COMPLETELY FREAKING OBVIOUS. A dead stump could figure this one out without a hint.

I love the girl to death, but come on - when does it end? Seriously, I don't intend to be vain or anything, but I honestly feel she's got something in her heart that won't let me go. Every couple of weeks she does something to grab my attention. It's usually immature or whatever, but nevertheless, it does the job because I'm vulnerable.

I really want to give her that letter, but now I feel like I'd be opening Pandora's Box and unleashing an unstoppable hell upon myself - not to mention others. I'm not claiming to be the pinnacled perfection of maturity, but good Lord, please grow up. That, or stop complaining that life is like you are still in high school.

That is all. /rant off

Today's song: One Step Closer by Linkin Park