An Ordinary Day

Today was a very uneventful day. Work was okay I guess. I had nothing to do most of the time because I'd already done everything my managers could come up with, haha.

Really, today had nothing of significance occur =(. Tomorrow could be interesting depending on a few things, but no matter what I'm going to make the best of it. I'm really happy I get to be at church again this week too.

Oh, a couple of days ago, I had a dream that actually remembered to right down details about, haha. So I'm excited to continue with pastors class on dreams, lol.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna head on to bed. Night night...

Today's Song: Beyond Measure by Jeremy Camp

One Life to Love

Today was a variable roller coaster, I guess. Work was easy, as always. However, I was rather peeved that my hourly supervisor dictated to me that I had to go to lunch after I'd only been there for two hours and fifteen minutes because there was "no one there after four to cover it". Truth be told, he was there after four, but didn't want to be the only one there in the department for an hour because he didn't want to work. Needless to say, I was rather mad. Other than that, the rest of the night went rather smooth.

After I got off, I stopped by the church hoping to catch the tail end of service tonight, but I got there right as it ended. I did get to visit with some people though, which was nice, and I got to see my family. I talked to my sisters about how school was going, which was cool 'cause we don't get to talk a lot. Then my youngest sister fell sleep on my lap, which was adorable. I did see her there tonight too, and I had the same reaction as always, which sucks =(. She's also got my phone number now 'cause the church directories came out tonight. I don't think she will text though because I feel she wants me to talk to her first, heh...

Other than that, I got home, got laundry done, and I'm getting ready to go to bed. My littlest brother did come down in tears though because he forgot his homework at school. I prayed with him and told him it was okay and such. He thanked me for comforting him, which honestly melted my heart. I love my brothers and sisters so, so much. I know there are times that I don't show that as much as I should, too. That's something I think God is starting to reveal to me - how to show love in a more understandable and visual manner. Above all, I really have got to break out of my comfort zone and start praying for people face-to-face. I've only got one live and it's my job to make the most out of it by fulfilling God's purpose for me. I have a deep desire to, but I keep stopping myself in fear all the time.

Well, I think that I'm going to go to sleep now. I'm tired and I gotta be up at 6:30 to get ready for work. Night and God bless.

Today's song: One Life to Love by 33 Miles

A New Season

Today was simply, amazing. I slept in again until around nine, got up, and relaxed until I had to go to work. And work was so easy today, haha. The weather was around 65 out all day long, cloudy, and a little rainy - my favorite weather. I got to spend a few hours out in it moving mums around on a display, hehe. After that, I went inside and stocked stuff, which I did for years, so I could do it in my sleep. Plus, I had maybe a tenth of what I'm used to, so it was cake.

The only thing that threw my day off was my boss told me to go home a little early so I could see my wife and kid before they went to bed. It made me so sad 'cause I wish with all my heart I had that. I know God's got it in His plan for me, it's just a matter of timing. That, and I have to work next Friday night and Sunday =(. Hopefully, I can switch with someone again because it's really, really irritating.

With all that's going on, I know that this new season in my life is one of testing. which God is letting me go through - a season of ripening. I'm going to do my best to take everything that happens in stride, and allow God to work in me the way he wants to. I want the things of God so badly. I want to be at that point where no matter what happens, I can say that it's all right because I have Jesus Christ to cling to.

I've found myself going into tears just hearing songs lately. Or I hear a word for someone that I know they've been waiting to hear for a long time, and the same thing happens. I cry so much now-a-days, simply because of the grace and love of God in my life. I'm starting to realize that God is setting up my life so that everything I have is dependent on Him. Without Jesus, I would have absolutely nothing. And you know, that's something I gladly accept, because God is the one person you can entrust everything to and feel completely and totally confident that you will be safe.

I'm off to bed. Night and blessings.

Today's Song: You by Britt Nicole

Letting Go

Today was one of those lazy kinda days. I didn't have work, which was nice, so I got to sleep in some and relax all day. The weather was simply amazing! Sixty or so degrees with a nice light rain all day. Now, to most people, that kind of weather is dismal, but for me, it's the most relaxing thing on earth (and I got to wear my coat! Haha...I love my coat). Not to mention, it's like the best kind of weather for me to connect with God because everything is so peaceful to me and my mind is calm so I can think.

So, she has the letter and I believe I've finally let go - the rest is up to God. I'm going to start moving on and whatever happens, happens. I know God has everything under control and that He is orchestrating something really big right now. I really can't wait to see what happens in the next few months. Not just with myself, but with those around me. I really feel like everything is about to go "BOOM", in a good way, of course.

I guess a good way of putting it all, is something that I wrote a while back on a sticky note:

"Although we may not see it now, all the pieces are there. We just have to wait for them to be put together the correct way. When we try to force pieces together that aren't made for each other, the big picture gets all messed up, and the pieces will never fit right. Let God put it together the right way, and in His timing. Only He knows how the final picture is supposed to look."

Well, that's all for tonight. I'm gonna head to bed 'cause I'm tired.

Today's song: Call My Name by Third Day

God Is Amazing

Well, today was rather awesome. Work was long, but enjoyable, really, which is a nice change. What really made the day awesome was that I got to hang out with my spiritual father on my lunch. It's really such an amazing blessing to have him in my life. I got to play volleyball, which is always a plus, haha. AND, I had a guy that wanted to switch his Sunday off for my Saturday...so I get to go to church!! I'm so stoked. God is simply amazing. It's so cool all the little things that he'll do in our lives just to see us smile. I think I've said "I love you, God" at least a hundred times today, haha.

I've made the decision that I'm going to give her that letter. But with it, I'm going to ask that she pray about it before she reads it, and only to read it when she feels God is saying that she should. I believe that letter has a purpose, but it has to be at the right time and place.

Other than that, I've got tomorrow off, and I'm gonna sleep in 'cause I'm crazy tired. God bless!

Three Reasons For Why I Give Up

Well...today was on the verge of horrible. A ten hour work day with only one thirty minute break. I come home, and have an IM from her wanting to ask a question. I e-mail her back and she asks me who told her that her and her boyfriend were together and not to lie because I'm protecting someone.

First off...why in the blinking blue heck does she care that I know? Is she that insecure in her relationship with him, that me knowing is going to somehow cause the catastrophic downfall of her newly rekindled relationship and plunge her into the abyss of loneliness?

Second...Why is she, once again, trying to insight drama into her life and others, when she claims to hate it so much. I don't know how many times she complained about life being like high school, yet she bring it on herself. Her need for attention is almost the the point of an O.C.D., in my opinion. Although, I know it's mostly because of her past. Nonetheless, you'd think you'd make an effort to elevate the issue from your life some, instead of calling for it with arms wide open.

Third...No one needed to tell me because EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS - IT'S COMPLETELY FREAKING OBVIOUS. A dead stump could figure this one out without a hint.

I love the girl to death, but come on - when does it end? Seriously, I don't intend to be vain or anything, but I honestly feel she's got something in her heart that won't let me go. Every couple of weeks she does something to grab my attention. It's usually immature or whatever, but nevertheless, it does the job because I'm vulnerable.

I really want to give her that letter, but now I feel like I'd be opening Pandora's Box and unleashing an unstoppable hell upon myself - not to mention others. I'm not claiming to be the pinnacled perfection of maturity, but good Lord, please grow up. That, or stop complaining that life is like you are still in high school.

That is all. /rant off

Today's song: One Step Closer by Linkin Park

The Unwritten Letter

I see you pass by
And I wonder what lies behind your eyes
Do you think back?
Or did you burn the memories?
There's so much I wish I could say
But the timing, it always seems to be wrong
Not now, not here, maybe tomorrow, but not today
But tomorrow never seems to come, and yesterday is so far gone

They say if you love something to let it go
But to that I say, if you really love something
Hold onto it for dear life
Because love is something the world seeks to steal and warp
To make into something superficial and meaningless
True, pure, compassionate love is a rarity in this lifetime
And it's something I feel is worth fighting for
If you only knew how much I still give to you

What I'm saying is, that I love you
And I don't think I will ever stop
I've tried so many times to let it go
But in the end, my heart still holds on
I won't pretend it's not painful, because it is
Far more than I want to admit sometimes
But I wouldn't trade it for anything
Because that would mean that you were never in my life

But even if it's not all my fault
I blame myself for everything
For failing to be the man I should have been
For failing to do what I should have done
Even now tears fall from my eyes
Because I miss you so much
I miss your smile, your laugh, your touch
And most of all, I miss your love

I wish I could tell you how much joy you gave me
How I couldn't sleep at night cause I was thinking about you
How you made me smile when I didn't want to
How you could melt my heart with just a glance and a smile
All of this I wish with all of my heart I could say
But all I can do is watch you walk away
And bury it all in my heart
This unwritten letter to you

If I Did, Would You Hate Me?

Ah, today...today. Not a lot happened really. I got to go to church, but it was family Sunday, so I was twenty minutes late, haha. Plus my normal seat was taken. Luckily, I had some good friends that had an extra seat near them. The downside was it was on the front row, lol. However, I think it was all part of God's strategic plan to work on getting me outside of my comfort zone. In the end, I was oddly comfortable with sittin' there. Plus it got me away from her and her boyfriend which sit two seats down from where I normally am, so I was at least a little less distracted, even though I was able to see them straight across from where I sat this morning =(.

Still don't know if I'm what I'm going to do with that letter. I want to give it to her, but at the same time, she looks happy with where she is. I don't want to disturb that because it's not my intent. I just want some kind of closure so I can freakin' move on already. It's going to come down to making a choice in the next couple of days and then leaving it at that. I will accept whatever happens as a result. It's time I stopped being distracted and delayed and get on with what God has for me. I may not have a clue what it is, and everything may be seem totally chaotic and messed up right now...but I know that means God is setting me up for something big that's going to hit from out of nowhere. I know that by the end of this I will have an amazing testimony (well, even more so than already) of what God can and will do. It's all just a matter of timing (ugh, lol).

Other than that, I'm gearing up for another long week. Tomorrow I work, so I don't get to go to my grandparents like I normally do for labor day (yay for working retail), and then I have volleyball practice. Tuesday is the same, but it's a game instead of practice. I'm off Wednesday. Thursday and Friday I close, so I miss the Friday night service. I'm off Saturday, and I work Sunday. So, it's going to be two weeks at the earliest before I get to go to church =(. I think what God is trying to get through to me is that I don't need church to experience His presence, but at the same time, I really, really don't want to miss what's going on. However, I know that this is all part of my "Process of Glory", and God will honor the fact that I'm working.

That's all for now. May God give you a good week!

Today's song: Breathe Into Me by Red...rock on.

What To Do

Well, today was interesting - not. I was sick this morning, so I didn't go to work. That was a mistake, cause it meant I was home alone, sick, and bored out of my mind.

I still haven't decided if I'm going to give her that letter yet or not. I'm going to have to trust God to help me make the right choice concerning it all. Matters of the heart are always so complicated and difficult...I wish they weren't. Other than that, I watch The Passion of the Christ for the first time since it was in theaters way back when. It still had the same impact on me. I cried 'till I couldn't anymore (yes, I'm an emotional, compassionate guy *gasp*), and I'm mentally exhausted from it all. It's just amazing what Jesus when through just so that we could be free from sin. Amazing really doesn't cut it actually...there are no word to describe that sort of sacrifice.

I think I'm going to head to bed now. I get to go to church tomorrow cause I don't have to work. Yay! Blessings...

Another Rant

Well, today was not such a good day. Despite my best efforts to be otherwise, I am miserable yet again. Work was long, I still have no idea about the other job, I'm home alone all weekend and I'm super lonely with no one to talk to. And it seems like every little thing that could go wrong today has. I'm immensely frustrated and that makes me more frustrated because I hate getting worked up over little stuff. Plus, I wrote that letter tonight, so I'm kind of an emotional wreck because of everything. It's amazing how the same emotion that can bring you endless joy, can bring you deathly sorrow. Love is an amazing thing for sure...

Sadly, I have to go to bed soon because I have to be up for work in eleven hours. I still don't understand what the heck God is trying to get through to me. I'm tired of feeling the way I do. And yea, I know, "change it", right? I've been trying, nothing is working, and I refuse to fake happiness. I did that for far too long and in the end it just makes things worse. Perhaps I'm too open about what I'm feelings sometimes, but I'm not going to say that I'm sorry for wearing my feelings on my sleeve. I'm tired of people who fake who they are because they are too scared of what others will think.

Anyway, that's my rant for the night. Off to bed. Nighty.