Three Reasons For Why I Give Up

Well...today was on the verge of horrible. A ten hour work day with only one thirty minute break. I come home, and have an IM from her wanting to ask a question. I e-mail her back and she asks me who told her that her and her boyfriend were together and not to lie because I'm protecting someone.

First off...why in the blinking blue heck does she care that I know? Is she that insecure in her relationship with him, that me knowing is going to somehow cause the catastrophic downfall of her newly rekindled relationship and plunge her into the abyss of loneliness?

Second...Why is she, once again, trying to insight drama into her life and others, when she claims to hate it so much. I don't know how many times she complained about life being like high school, yet she bring it on herself. Her need for attention is almost the the point of an O.C.D., in my opinion. Although, I know it's mostly because of her past. Nonetheless, you'd think you'd make an effort to elevate the issue from your life some, instead of calling for it with arms wide open.

Third...No one needed to tell me because EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS - IT'S COMPLETELY FREAKING OBVIOUS. A dead stump could figure this one out without a hint.

I love the girl to death, but come on - when does it end? Seriously, I don't intend to be vain or anything, but I honestly feel she's got something in her heart that won't let me go. Every couple of weeks she does something to grab my attention. It's usually immature or whatever, but nevertheless, it does the job because I'm vulnerable.

I really want to give her that letter, but now I feel like I'd be opening Pandora's Box and unleashing an unstoppable hell upon myself - not to mention others. I'm not claiming to be the pinnacled perfection of maturity, but good Lord, please grow up. That, or stop complaining that life is like you are still in high school.

That is all. /rant off

Today's song: One Step Closer by Linkin Park

The Unwritten Letter

I see you pass by
And I wonder what lies behind your eyes
Do you think back?
Or did you burn the memories?
There's so much I wish I could say
But the timing, it always seems to be wrong
Not now, not here, maybe tomorrow, but not today
But tomorrow never seems to come, and yesterday is so far gone

They say if you love something to let it go
But to that I say, if you really love something
Hold onto it for dear life
Because love is something the world seeks to steal and warp
To make into something superficial and meaningless
True, pure, compassionate love is a rarity in this lifetime
And it's something I feel is worth fighting for
If you only knew how much I still give to you

What I'm saying is, that I love you
And I don't think I will ever stop
I've tried so many times to let it go
But in the end, my heart still holds on
I won't pretend it's not painful, because it is
Far more than I want to admit sometimes
But I wouldn't trade it for anything
Because that would mean that you were never in my life

But even if it's not all my fault
I blame myself for everything
For failing to be the man I should have been
For failing to do what I should have done
Even now tears fall from my eyes
Because I miss you so much
I miss your smile, your laugh, your touch
And most of all, I miss your love

I wish I could tell you how much joy you gave me
How I couldn't sleep at night cause I was thinking about you
How you made me smile when I didn't want to
How you could melt my heart with just a glance and a smile
All of this I wish with all of my heart I could say
But all I can do is watch you walk away
And bury it all in my heart
This unwritten letter to you

If I Did, Would You Hate Me?

Ah, today...today. Not a lot happened really. I got to go to church, but it was family Sunday, so I was twenty minutes late, haha. Plus my normal seat was taken. Luckily, I had some good friends that had an extra seat near them. The downside was it was on the front row, lol. However, I think it was all part of God's strategic plan to work on getting me outside of my comfort zone. In the end, I was oddly comfortable with sittin' there. Plus it got me away from her and her boyfriend which sit two seats down from where I normally am, so I was at least a little less distracted, even though I was able to see them straight across from where I sat this morning =(.

Still don't know if I'm what I'm going to do with that letter. I want to give it to her, but at the same time, she looks happy with where she is. I don't want to disturb that because it's not my intent. I just want some kind of closure so I can freakin' move on already. It's going to come down to making a choice in the next couple of days and then leaving it at that. I will accept whatever happens as a result. It's time I stopped being distracted and delayed and get on with what God has for me. I may not have a clue what it is, and everything may be seem totally chaotic and messed up right now...but I know that means God is setting me up for something big that's going to hit from out of nowhere. I know that by the end of this I will have an amazing testimony (well, even more so than already) of what God can and will do. It's all just a matter of timing (ugh, lol).

Other than that, I'm gearing up for another long week. Tomorrow I work, so I don't get to go to my grandparents like I normally do for labor day (yay for working retail), and then I have volleyball practice. Tuesday is the same, but it's a game instead of practice. I'm off Wednesday. Thursday and Friday I close, so I miss the Friday night service. I'm off Saturday, and I work Sunday. So, it's going to be two weeks at the earliest before I get to go to church =(. I think what God is trying to get through to me is that I don't need church to experience His presence, but at the same time, I really, really don't want to miss what's going on. However, I know that this is all part of my "Process of Glory", and God will honor the fact that I'm working.

That's all for now. May God give you a good week!

Today's song: Breathe Into Me by Red...rock on.

What To Do

Well, today was interesting - not. I was sick this morning, so I didn't go to work. That was a mistake, cause it meant I was home alone, sick, and bored out of my mind.

I still haven't decided if I'm going to give her that letter yet or not. I'm going to have to trust God to help me make the right choice concerning it all. Matters of the heart are always so complicated and difficult...I wish they weren't. Other than that, I watch The Passion of the Christ for the first time since it was in theaters way back when. It still had the same impact on me. I cried 'till I couldn't anymore (yes, I'm an emotional, compassionate guy *gasp*), and I'm mentally exhausted from it all. It's just amazing what Jesus when through just so that we could be free from sin. Amazing really doesn't cut it actually...there are no word to describe that sort of sacrifice.

I think I'm going to head to bed now. I get to go to church tomorrow cause I don't have to work. Yay! Blessings...

Another Rant

Well, today was not such a good day. Despite my best efforts to be otherwise, I am miserable yet again. Work was long, I still have no idea about the other job, I'm home alone all weekend and I'm super lonely with no one to talk to. And it seems like every little thing that could go wrong today has. I'm immensely frustrated and that makes me more frustrated because I hate getting worked up over little stuff. Plus, I wrote that letter tonight, so I'm kind of an emotional wreck because of everything. It's amazing how the same emotion that can bring you endless joy, can bring you deathly sorrow. Love is an amazing thing for sure...

Sadly, I have to go to bed soon because I have to be up for work in eleven hours. I still don't understand what the heck God is trying to get through to me. I'm tired of feeling the way I do. And yea, I know, "change it", right? I've been trying, nothing is working, and I refuse to fake happiness. I did that for far too long and in the end it just makes things worse. Perhaps I'm too open about what I'm feelings sometimes, but I'm not going to say that I'm sorry for wearing my feelings on my sleeve. I'm tired of people who fake who they are because they are too scared of what others will think.

Anyway, that's my rant for the night. Off to bed. Nighty.

Just Another Day

Well, today was the normal. Get up, go to work, come home, go to bed...yay. Gotta be up at 6:30 to get ready for work tomorrow - I can't wait. I did something to my back and my leg is hurting like crazy and is partially numb. I'm really hoping that God chooses to impart grace on me soon and relieve it all.

Really not much other than that. Still missing her, like always. I'm hoping that this all ends soon. I just have this intense desire to be in love and have a family and whatnot. I'm really trying to trust God in all this stuff. Especially work and relationships. I'm not sure why I'm be stuck at a job right now where I am missing all the amazing things going on at church because I have to work, when I have another job, that is so much better, literally right there waiting for one guy to give an okay. And I don't know why I have to endure these feelings I have for her when they could just be lifted. What I do know is that God is using it all in some way to shape me into the man of God I'm supposed to be. If I miss church, God will honor that because I'm obeying and doing what I need to do. And really, there is a woman out there that God can't wait to show to me because He knows that she is the one. It's just all a matter of preparation and timing so that it will all work out as He designed. I have no doubt that once it all comes to fruition, He will be filled with as much joy as I will. Well, that's all for tonight. I need to get to bed so I can wake up in the morning. Be blessed and filled with joy!

p.s. Oh! One of my new favorite songs is Empty Me by Chris Sligh. Really, it's an amazing song. Listen to it sometime.

Insert Random Witty Title Here

So, today was rather, uh, dull. Work was easy, but exhausting. I got to move blocks around outside for 6 hours in crazy heat, making a display patio. Ooodles of fun there. I think I drank like 3 gallons of water or something. But hey, I got to come home and make some fresh sweet tea and spaghetti - so I can't complain, haha. I did run into a very cool verse (well, two actually, but they are together) today, kinda by random, that stuck to me. Here they are:

People with their minds set on you,
you keep completely whole,
Steady on their feet,
because they keep at it and don't quit.
Depend on God and keep at it
because in the Lord God you have a sure thing.

-Isaiah 26:3-4 (Msg)

Basically, focus yourself on God, keep doing it no matter what, and He will keep you whole. Even if you don't think it - it's there. And God is the one thing that you can pour everything into,and be absolutely sure that you aren't going to have wasted anything.

That's my day. I'm gonna start trying to journal every day, as it helps me maintain my sanity to a better degree...or so it seems, haha. Maybe, just maybe, I will get more readers that'll comment =). Nighty!

Guard Your Heart

So, it's been a while since I've written anything. Life has been...interesting, I guess you could say. I finally got a job, which is a blessing from God, because I got it the day I was gonna get kicked out of my house. As for the job itself, it's monotonous, and it makes me miss church, but it's money. I'm hoping to get this other job soon that pays more, is twenty seconds from home, has more hours, and gives me Sundays off - rather, I expect to get it, because I honestly believe that God is going to open up that door.

Other than that, I'm still struggling with love. I still love and miss her like crazy, and I'm really not too sure how to fix it. It's been nearly three months now, and though time may heal all...it's certainly taking it's time on this one. I've laid it all at the alter so many times. I've prayed for soul-ties to be broken. I've forgiven her for everything and asked for forgiveness anytime bitterness shows up. I guess I just need some kind of closure. I still have no real idea why it all fell apart into nothing, seemingly so fast. It was suggested that I write her a letter, basically just pouring out my heart about how I feel. I think it's something I need to do. I'm one of those types that lets things go through writing. However, I don't think I'll be able to move on unless she actually reads this one. I really need to know that she knows how I feel. How, despite everything, I still love her, care for her, and miss her more than I can describe. I honestly believed that she was the one and I gave her every ounce of my heart. Love is a wondrous, beautiful thing, but it can leave you so completely devastated if you invest too much into the wrong person. Not that I'm saying it's wrong to love people with all your heart, but I'm referring to the romantic kind of love. Moving too fast and/or without God being in control of the relationship is like asking for a disaster. There is even a warning about it in the Bible.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

-Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

When it all comes down to it, I know that God has it all under control. even when I think otherwise, and He will use all things for the greater good. I know for certain that God is forming in me a well of compassion for people. It's always been there, but God is really starting to bring it out. As always, I'm excited to see what God is going to do next - in my life, and other's.

I know many don't read this, but I have a prayer request. I'm really, really wanting to see this other job I have in the works come through, and I need direction about where I am to go next in my walk with God. I guess, that's actually two, but it works. Thanks to all, and blessings to you.

The Journey: Part Two

So, originally I had something like two pages of stuff typed out, with a lot more to go, but I decided to scrap it all. Honestly, I have to finish writting something in one setting or it just doesn't mesh with the next time I sit down. I guess it could be described as being caught up in a moment, but that's when I write my best, or so I think.

The last few months - what a ride. I met the most amazing girl ever, who absolutely blew me away, we moved too fast, got engaged, it ended suddenly and sadly, we don't talk anymore. I've made new friends who I would have never thought of finding before. I've grown so much closer to all of my family. I was baptized in the Spirit. I've been set free from so many things, stumbled, got set free again, stumbled again. I've made people mad. People have made me mad. I've disappointed people. People have disappointed me. I've made so many mistakes that I can't even think of them all. I am completely impatient with everything. I want things that I know I can't have right now and I have a hard time letting them go. The things that I can have, that are right in front of me, I don't take most of the time. I let myself be tormented by one thing far too often, but I don't let myself be free of it because I long for it so much. I've been stuck on "stupid" a lot...and I mean a lot. There is so much more and I could go on and on and on, but I digress. Oh, and I have a new found fondness of being honest and transparent...

So, what is the significance of listing all that in a long, rambling paragraph? To say this: Good, bad, ugly, stupid, painful, or whatever the situation, God uses it to shape us a little more into what he wants us to be. Through each situation we become just a little stronger and we get one more piece to the puzzle that defines us. Probably the best way I've heard this described is from one of the men I respect most in my life, who has taken so much time out of his own busy schedule to invest in me. He defined it as our "Process of Glory", and I couldn't agree more.

Through everything that's happened, my relationship with Jesus Christ is on a level I never knew really existed and I know that it can go so much deeper. What's more, in the process, I have learned so much about myself - those puzzle pieces I mentioned. I'll list some of the good things I have discovered.

• I was made to love deep and care for others - I still don't fully know why, and I've gotten myself into a lot of trouble with this one because I give my heart too freely, too quickly...but I know God has a reason.
  

• I was made to pray and intercede - I love praying, especially for others. I honestly can talk to God for hours about whatever. I'm sure people have thought I am crazy because I sound like I'm talking to myself.
  

• I was made to listen - Despite my inherent shyness, I truly do love to talk to people. I enjoy hearing about people's lives - where they've been, how they got through, and what God is doing right then. Though, I admit, I like to talk too, ha.

Along with the good, comes the bad. God has revealed a lot of things in my life which I need to deal with and get away from - all out of his love for me because he wants to see me become the man of God he made me to be.

• I make the same mistakes over and over - I have this terrible issue with repeating the same mistake over and over. I get stuck on "stupid" and do it even though I know I shouldn't.

• I struggle with pride, lust, jealousy, envy, anger, forgiveness, patience, trying to control situations/people, and trusting in God/others - Yeah, I know that's a long, deadly list, but at least I know now, instead of being totally blind like before. God has been dealing with me on this stuff, and it's been rough...
  

• I struggle with fear - More like I have major issues with it, and it's infuriating. It doesn't seem to matter what the situation, I have fear, and it's keeping me from taking the steps I need to make in order to get where I need to be. Even something as simple as reaching out is impossibly hard for me. I've prayed and prayed and prayed about this, but what it all comes down to is I have to make the choice to do it, regardless of fear, and trust that God will take care of the rest.

Again, what the above struggles amount to is God taking me through my "Process of Glory". To delve a little deeper into that, I want to mention something my father said about a month ago. He read the following out of Hebrews 6:7-8 (NIV):

"Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned."

What he went on to say, is that throughout our lives we have planted good seed and bad seed, and when the times comes that God starts to pour out the rain of his grace and mercy, whatever we have planted is going to grow - be it good or bad. At that point, we have to start the process of weeding out the bad seed and letting God burn it up in order to make room for the good seed.

It's by no means a fun process, and at times it seems unbearable. However, I cling to the following verse:

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.

- I Corinthians 10:13 (Msg)

So, I know I can handle all of this, but I wish that God didn't trust me so much sometimes. Or maybe that I could trust myself as much as God trusts me. I'm tired of holding myself back from the things God has for me, for whatever reason. I want to be consumed by the fire of God and the calling he has for my life. I want to experience a pure joy in my life everyday that can only come from the blessing of God. I want to fall madly and completely in love with God, the one I know I can invest my love in and it won't leave me brokenhearted.

I know God has everything under control and that if I trust him and be patient, when the time is right, the things that I desire will come into my life.

It's all right there, just a few steps away...all I need to do is start walking and reach out for it...

It's the same for everyone, no matter what the situation...

God bless

My Goodbye

There's so many things that I've wanted to say, which I haven't gotten the chance to, and I doubt I ever will. So many questions I wish I could have an answer to. But, I know the only thing that I can do is let it all go and move on, knowing that God has my life and future in his loving, caring hands.

If only there were a way to explain to you how I really feel - it's almost impossible. There is a true sadness, but at the same time I'm so thankful and joyful. Though I may lose a friend forever, memories have been made that will never fade in my heart, and I know that in time I will look back, remember, and smile. But right now, I'm here crying again because I'm thinking of you, knowing that you don't even think of me anymore. I just wish I could show you how I feel - show you the depths of my heart. I just wish I could hold you and kiss you again. That I could look into your eyes and see that smile once more. That I could hear those three words that took me to a place so far from here one more time.

You'll never know how much I miss you, or, despite everything, how much I still love you. There hasn't been a day gone by that I haven't thought of you and wished there was something I could say to change it all. You have no idea how hard it is to see you and have to walk on by like I don't know you; to pretend that you weren't a big part of my life. I hope one day we find our way back together somehow...but tonight, I put it all in the box of memories contained in my heart, hoping for that day to come. Tonight, I have to let you go. I can't wait any longer...I have to move on.

Goodbye for now, but hopefully never forever...

Ich liebe dich...you were my world.