Another Rant

Well, today was not such a good day. Despite my best efforts to be otherwise, I am miserable yet again. Work was long, I still have no idea about the other job, I'm home alone all weekend and I'm super lonely with no one to talk to. And it seems like every little thing that could go wrong today has. I'm immensely frustrated and that makes me more frustrated because I hate getting worked up over little stuff. Plus, I wrote that letter tonight, so I'm kind of an emotional wreck because of everything. It's amazing how the same emotion that can bring you endless joy, can bring you deathly sorrow. Love is an amazing thing for sure...

Sadly, I have to go to bed soon because I have to be up for work in eleven hours. I still don't understand what the heck God is trying to get through to me. I'm tired of feeling the way I do. And yea, I know, "change it", right? I've been trying, nothing is working, and I refuse to fake happiness. I did that for far too long and in the end it just makes things worse. Perhaps I'm too open about what I'm feelings sometimes, but I'm not going to say that I'm sorry for wearing my feelings on my sleeve. I'm tired of people who fake who they are because they are too scared of what others will think.

Anyway, that's my rant for the night. Off to bed. Nighty.

Just Another Day

Well, today was the normal. Get up, go to work, come home, go to bed...yay. Gotta be up at 6:30 to get ready for work tomorrow - I can't wait. I did something to my back and my leg is hurting like crazy and is partially numb. I'm really hoping that God chooses to impart grace on me soon and relieve it all.

Really not much other than that. Still missing her, like always. I'm hoping that this all ends soon. I just have this intense desire to be in love and have a family and whatnot. I'm really trying to trust God in all this stuff. Especially work and relationships. I'm not sure why I'm be stuck at a job right now where I am missing all the amazing things going on at church because I have to work, when I have another job, that is so much better, literally right there waiting for one guy to give an okay. And I don't know why I have to endure these feelings I have for her when they could just be lifted. What I do know is that God is using it all in some way to shape me into the man of God I'm supposed to be. If I miss church, God will honor that because I'm obeying and doing what I need to do. And really, there is a woman out there that God can't wait to show to me because He knows that she is the one. It's just all a matter of preparation and timing so that it will all work out as He designed. I have no doubt that once it all comes to fruition, He will be filled with as much joy as I will. Well, that's all for tonight. I need to get to bed so I can wake up in the morning. Be blessed and filled with joy!

p.s. Oh! One of my new favorite songs is Empty Me by Chris Sligh. Really, it's an amazing song. Listen to it sometime.

Insert Random Witty Title Here

So, today was rather, uh, dull. Work was easy, but exhausting. I got to move blocks around outside for 6 hours in crazy heat, making a display patio. Ooodles of fun there. I think I drank like 3 gallons of water or something. But hey, I got to come home and make some fresh sweet tea and spaghetti - so I can't complain, haha. I did run into a very cool verse (well, two actually, but they are together) today, kinda by random, that stuck to me. Here they are:

People with their minds set on you,
you keep completely whole,
Steady on their feet,
because they keep at it and don't quit.
Depend on God and keep at it
because in the Lord God you have a sure thing.

-Isaiah 26:3-4 (Msg)

Basically, focus yourself on God, keep doing it no matter what, and He will keep you whole. Even if you don't think it - it's there. And God is the one thing that you can pour everything into,and be absolutely sure that you aren't going to have wasted anything.

That's my day. I'm gonna start trying to journal every day, as it helps me maintain my sanity to a better degree...or so it seems, haha. Maybe, just maybe, I will get more readers that'll comment =). Nighty!

Guard Your Heart

So, it's been a while since I've written anything. Life has been...interesting, I guess you could say. I finally got a job, which is a blessing from God, because I got it the day I was gonna get kicked out of my house. As for the job itself, it's monotonous, and it makes me miss church, but it's money. I'm hoping to get this other job soon that pays more, is twenty seconds from home, has more hours, and gives me Sundays off - rather, I expect to get it, because I honestly believe that God is going to open up that door.

Other than that, I'm still struggling with love. I still love and miss her like crazy, and I'm really not too sure how to fix it. It's been nearly three months now, and though time may heal all...it's certainly taking it's time on this one. I've laid it all at the alter so many times. I've prayed for soul-ties to be broken. I've forgiven her for everything and asked for forgiveness anytime bitterness shows up. I guess I just need some kind of closure. I still have no real idea why it all fell apart into nothing, seemingly so fast. It was suggested that I write her a letter, basically just pouring out my heart about how I feel. I think it's something I need to do. I'm one of those types that lets things go through writing. However, I don't think I'll be able to move on unless she actually reads this one. I really need to know that she knows how I feel. How, despite everything, I still love her, care for her, and miss her more than I can describe. I honestly believed that she was the one and I gave her every ounce of my heart. Love is a wondrous, beautiful thing, but it can leave you so completely devastated if you invest too much into the wrong person. Not that I'm saying it's wrong to love people with all your heart, but I'm referring to the romantic kind of love. Moving too fast and/or without God being in control of the relationship is like asking for a disaster. There is even a warning about it in the Bible.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

-Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

When it all comes down to it, I know that God has it all under control. even when I think otherwise, and He will use all things for the greater good. I know for certain that God is forming in me a well of compassion for people. It's always been there, but God is really starting to bring it out. As always, I'm excited to see what God is going to do next - in my life, and other's.

I know many don't read this, but I have a prayer request. I'm really, really wanting to see this other job I have in the works come through, and I need direction about where I am to go next in my walk with God. I guess, that's actually two, but it works. Thanks to all, and blessings to you.

The Journey: Part Two

So, originally I had something like two pages of stuff typed out, with a lot more to go, but I decided to scrap it all. Honestly, I have to finish writting something in one setting or it just doesn't mesh with the next time I sit down. I guess it could be described as being caught up in a moment, but that's when I write my best, or so I think.

The last few months - what a ride. I met the most amazing girl ever, who absolutely blew me away, we moved too fast, got engaged, it ended suddenly and sadly, we don't talk anymore. I've made new friends who I would have never thought of finding before. I've grown so much closer to all of my family. I was baptized in the Spirit. I've been set free from so many things, stumbled, got set free again, stumbled again. I've made people mad. People have made me mad. I've disappointed people. People have disappointed me. I've made so many mistakes that I can't even think of them all. I am completely impatient with everything. I want things that I know I can't have right now and I have a hard time letting them go. The things that I can have, that are right in front of me, I don't take most of the time. I let myself be tormented by one thing far too often, but I don't let myself be free of it because I long for it so much. I've been stuck on "stupid" a lot...and I mean a lot. There is so much more and I could go on and on and on, but I digress. Oh, and I have a new found fondness of being honest and transparent...

So, what is the significance of listing all that in a long, rambling paragraph? To say this: Good, bad, ugly, stupid, painful, or whatever the situation, God uses it to shape us a little more into what he wants us to be. Through each situation we become just a little stronger and we get one more piece to the puzzle that defines us. Probably the best way I've heard this described is from one of the men I respect most in my life, who has taken so much time out of his own busy schedule to invest in me. He defined it as our "Process of Glory", and I couldn't agree more.

Through everything that's happened, my relationship with Jesus Christ is on a level I never knew really existed and I know that it can go so much deeper. What's more, in the process, I have learned so much about myself - those puzzle pieces I mentioned. I'll list some of the good things I have discovered.

• I was made to love deep and care for others - I still don't fully know why, and I've gotten myself into a lot of trouble with this one because I give my heart too freely, too quickly...but I know God has a reason.
  

• I was made to pray and intercede - I love praying, especially for others. I honestly can talk to God for hours about whatever. I'm sure people have thought I am crazy because I sound like I'm talking to myself.
  

• I was made to listen - Despite my inherent shyness, I truly do love to talk to people. I enjoy hearing about people's lives - where they've been, how they got through, and what God is doing right then. Though, I admit, I like to talk too, ha.

Along with the good, comes the bad. God has revealed a lot of things in my life which I need to deal with and get away from - all out of his love for me because he wants to see me become the man of God he made me to be.

• I make the same mistakes over and over - I have this terrible issue with repeating the same mistake over and over. I get stuck on "stupid" and do it even though I know I shouldn't.

• I struggle with pride, lust, jealousy, envy, anger, forgiveness, patience, trying to control situations/people, and trusting in God/others - Yeah, I know that's a long, deadly list, but at least I know now, instead of being totally blind like before. God has been dealing with me on this stuff, and it's been rough...
  

• I struggle with fear - More like I have major issues with it, and it's infuriating. It doesn't seem to matter what the situation, I have fear, and it's keeping me from taking the steps I need to make in order to get where I need to be. Even something as simple as reaching out is impossibly hard for me. I've prayed and prayed and prayed about this, but what it all comes down to is I have to make the choice to do it, regardless of fear, and trust that God will take care of the rest.

Again, what the above struggles amount to is God taking me through my "Process of Glory". To delve a little deeper into that, I want to mention something my father said about a month ago. He read the following out of Hebrews 6:7-8 (NIV):

"Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned."

What he went on to say, is that throughout our lives we have planted good seed and bad seed, and when the times comes that God starts to pour out the rain of his grace and mercy, whatever we have planted is going to grow - be it good or bad. At that point, we have to start the process of weeding out the bad seed and letting God burn it up in order to make room for the good seed.

It's by no means a fun process, and at times it seems unbearable. However, I cling to the following verse:

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.

- I Corinthians 10:13 (Msg)

So, I know I can handle all of this, but I wish that God didn't trust me so much sometimes. Or maybe that I could trust myself as much as God trusts me. I'm tired of holding myself back from the things God has for me, for whatever reason. I want to be consumed by the fire of God and the calling he has for my life. I want to experience a pure joy in my life everyday that can only come from the blessing of God. I want to fall madly and completely in love with God, the one I know I can invest my love in and it won't leave me brokenhearted.

I know God has everything under control and that if I trust him and be patient, when the time is right, the things that I desire will come into my life.

It's all right there, just a few steps away...all I need to do is start walking and reach out for it...

It's the same for everyone, no matter what the situation...

God bless

My Goodbye

There's so many things that I've wanted to say, which I haven't gotten the chance to, and I doubt I ever will. So many questions I wish I could have an answer to. But, I know the only thing that I can do is let it all go and move on, knowing that God has my life and future in his loving, caring hands.

If only there were a way to explain to you how I really feel - it's almost impossible. There is a true sadness, but at the same time I'm so thankful and joyful. Though I may lose a friend forever, memories have been made that will never fade in my heart, and I know that in time I will look back, remember, and smile. But right now, I'm here crying again because I'm thinking of you, knowing that you don't even think of me anymore. I just wish I could show you how I feel - show you the depths of my heart. I just wish I could hold you and kiss you again. That I could look into your eyes and see that smile once more. That I could hear those three words that took me to a place so far from here one more time.

You'll never know how much I miss you, or, despite everything, how much I still love you. There hasn't been a day gone by that I haven't thought of you and wished there was something I could say to change it all. You have no idea how hard it is to see you and have to walk on by like I don't know you; to pretend that you weren't a big part of my life. I hope one day we find our way back together somehow...but tonight, I put it all in the box of memories contained in my heart, hoping for that day to come. Tonight, I have to let you go. I can't wait any longer...I have to move on.

Goodbye for now, but hopefully never forever...

Ich liebe dich...you were my world.

I Do Not Belong

This song has for some reason captivated my heart...it reminds me that God has it all under control and that I don't belong in a world of broken pieces. God will fix everything and make it better than I could on my own. He has the blueprint for my life. Even if I think it's not getting put together right, He is the architect and knows best. In the end, what matters is that I glorify Him in all that I do - He'll take care of the rest.

"I Do Not Belong" by Kutless

I look around and I feel like, thing's changed and I don't know why
And everyday that passes by I feel so far away
I can see in the distance, You have the rest of me
I put my trust in you, as I look beyond today
It's all becoming clear

I do no belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong

When the world is behind me on the day that I breathe my last
In the face of eternity there's hope cause' I believe
When I look to the heavens and the future that you hold
It makes it easier to see beyond today
Now I'm looking to the sky

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong

This world is not my home
I'm a stranger in this land
But I am not alone
When I do not belong

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong
No, I do not belong

Like a Cold Night...

Loneliness is setting in again like darkness on a cold winter's night. I have few people I can really converse with on the level I need to right now - I really hate superfluous conversations. I feel like the desires of my heart are getting farther and farther away with each passing day. Mayhaps those desires are not the ones that God sees as best for my life., or maybe I am simply being tested and molded. Either way, all I can do is trust in Him.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

-Psalms 37:4 (NIV)

"In his heart man plans his course, but God determines his steps."

-Proverbs 16:9 (NIV)

"Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails."

-Proverbs 19:21 (NIV)

"A man’s steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand his own way?"

-Proverbs 20:24 (NIV)


I believe myself to be delighting myself in the Lord. I love to pray, I love to worship, and I want find my true calling. However, I wonder if God isn't asking more of me and I just haven't realized it yet, or maybe I have and I'm reluctant. I know there is at least one thing that I'm not being obedient on, but it's always been an issue for me. I'm fighting it, but like always, it seems to have it's grip on me and I can't seem to get free. Or maybe it's more like the fact that I feel comfortable where I am and I don't want to lose total grip on what I perceived as my reality?

I think what God has been trying to get me to do all along is let go of everything I knew because it was almost all wrong. My life was based on a solid foundation of Christ, but somewhere along the line it started to deviate from that narrow path and I created my own reality which manipulated everything to the way I wanted it to be - God included. I feel once I can let go and let God have total control of everything (and trust me when I say that is really, really hard), it will all fall into place, and God will be able to finish restructuring my life¹. Until I can do that, I'm at a standstill, and I do not like it. I feel so stretched out, yet, I'm not really doing anything. That alone should be an indicator that I'm doing something wrong.

Like a close friend of mine said, I need to engage and surround myself with people who are like "Jesus with skin". I need people who will encourage me, build me up, advise me, correct me, love me, listen to me, be honest, etc. and I have no problems doing the same for them.Unfortunately, that's rather difficult to find people who are like that.

On a closing note, I find it funny how we always say time is precious, yet we are always waiting for the things we want the most. I really wish I knew what it felt like to have absence make the heart grow fonder...it always seems to make it grow more distant and unrealistic for me. I pray God will change that soon...

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¹ "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished..." - Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

Sigh...

So, tonight has pretty much sucked 'cause I've found myself thinking and worrying about stuff I thought I'd left in God's hands. It's not as bad as it usually is, but I feel so lonely and secluded. I really don't like it, but I'm not sure there is much I can do about it right now other than pray and leave it in God's hands again and continue to do that until I can finally, truly leave it there.

I always say that I wish it were a few months from now so this would all be done and over with, but a few months from now will bring its own set of circumstances and issues to deal with. But at least it won't be this one right now, which is the worst kind for me. *Sigh* I just need to keep a steady focus on God and seek His will over mine and have faith it will all work out better than I could imagine. I just wish I had the patience to wait for God's timing instead of trying to make everything work when I want it to. Life would be much simpler...

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."

-Philippians 4:6-7 (Msg)

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers -- most of which are never even seen -- don’t you think he’ll attend to you and take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the times comes."

-Matthew 6:30-34 (Msg)

Honesty

You know, I have no problem being honest and transparent when people ask me about things, it's just most people never really take the time to do that for whatever reason. So instead, they tend to assume. Then you flip the situation and I ask how someone is doing or what's going on in their life, and I usually get a facade of some sort. So rarely do I get a truly honest answer. It's immensely frustrating...why are we so programmed to run from issues instead of standing and facing them? Why are we so programmed to not open up to others and ask for help even when it's freely offered?

I've struggled with this myself, but I've gotten to the point where I'm going to be honest. If you ask me how I am, be prepared to hear something other than a superfluous "fine" or "I'm doing okay". Sure, there are times where I am doing good, but life is a struggle most times and I'm tired of faking happiness. I honestly feel that constantly bottling up those issues is what causes that seemingly endless downward spiral of increasing depression and problems.

I feel that until we as the Body of Christ start opening up to each other in honesty about what's going on in our lives and our struggles, we will never be unified in the way that God desires. Sure, there are things that should be kept private, but if you are struggling with something, find someone to pray with you! There are so many people that care and are willing to fight with you. I'm sure there's even someone you know that's gone through a similar situation who can give you counsel. The key is to open up. If you are shunned by some, don't let it discourage you. The people that you want in your life will stick with you through it and help you get to where you need to be.

Honestly, if you have a prayer request, let me know. It doesn't matter how big or small!

Blessings to you...