Perpetual Darkness

When your eyes start to fade into the perpetual darkness that is at hand, there is usually a sense of overwhelming fear that walks hand-in-hand. Oddly enough, this time, there is not. As I'm slowly being choked by forces unseen, I don't feel much, if anything. I don't know if it's because I've realized there is nothing I can do, or because I know that God is there with me and will get me through it all.

That's much the problem with everything. I see the two extremes - there is no "middle ground" for me. It's all or nothing. Try as I might, I can't escape this pattern that seems to be hard-wired into my analytical processes. This same issue applies to my mood and attitude. I'm either super, happy go lucky, or depressed and angry beyond reason. There is the occasional time when I'm simply "okay", but that's usually just the short transition between one of the two extremes. Any other time, I'm usually horrible, and I'm sick of saying so, so I say that I'm fine. Some would chalk this up to being bi-polar, which I suppose could be it, but I don't think so.

One thing that is so frustrating, is that I know what's going on - at least for the most part. I'm caught up in a pattern, a circle if you will, and I keep going through the same motions. What's ridiculous is that this circle encompasses nearly every aspect of my life all at once. Of course, if that's the case, then you can most likely narrow down the origin of the issue to one thing - my relationship with God. Oh what a fickle thing it is, but only because I make it so.

Isn't that just ironic? Everything that happens, well, at least most of it, is because of my own actions in accordance to something else. One minute, I'm perfectly fine, then the next, something happens and I'm in the other extreme. I'm angry, upset, hurt, jealous, bitter, and so many other things, and all because I'm not secure enough in my relationship with God to just say, "It'll be okay, because I have you here with me, Jesus,". I don't have the patience, the grace, the mercy, the love, the desire, the heart, the anything, to be what I want and need to be. It's only through Christ that I gain any of that, and the moment I wander or stumble, I lose all grips on anything I had. I have to start over from the beginning again.

I'm miserable all the time. I am lonely all the time. I am sad all the time. I am wounded in my heart all the time. I say I want to be loved, yet I myself have no inkling of the true nature of love or how to give it. So therefore, how will I know what it means to have love? Why is love such a fickle thing. One minute, it takes you beyond the clouds, and the next it drives you into hell itself without any remorse. I'd give anything to have someone to hold and love right now - someone who I could marry and start a family with, but I'm not so naive that I don't understand it wouldn't work. I don't have the capacity or understanding to love selflessly, unconditionally, wholeheartedly and purely. I'm a slave to my flesh and I'm bound in lust, desire, jealously, anger, and all things evil. I want out, and I want freedom, yet it never comes no matter how much I ask. Though I don't think it's so much that it doesn't come, but rather that I don't accept it. It never ends...

Save Me From Myself

It's funny how things can change over and over in such a short frame of time.Or rather, I suppose it's really not all that comical. In fact, it inflicts a myriad of emotions that fester in my mind and heart until I begin to literally go crazy. It is utterly ridiculous how often this cycle repeats itself. I'm fine for a few days or a week, and then like an inescapable flood, everything washes over me, in nearly an instant, totally overwhelming me. I find myself drowning in anger, depression, loneliness, sadness, frustration, hurt and bitterness. It all pounds against the inside of my head, until I want to scream in an attempt to get some relief, but even if I were to do so, no one would hear me. Even now, my mind is so scrambled that I'm having trouble writing because I have no focus. I'm thinking half a hundred things at once, most of which contradict one or another, adding to the confusion. I get to the point where all I can do is curl up and ask over and over for God to wrap me in His arms and make it go away. When does this maddness end?

Most of which I battle with are things I've cried out for freedom from more than I can count. It's not that I'm stuck on stupid, but rather seems I'm stuck on insane. I keep going around the same mountain over and over hoping that the next time will render a different result. Even if I know that won't generate what I want it to, I go around and around regardless. Quite frankly, I can narrow down eighty percent of my issues to one thing, and all I want is closure in the ordeal. At this point, I've given up on any type of relationship/friendship because they just don't seem interested, no matter what I do. I just want closure so that I can MOVE ON. I'm tired of being dragged along like a rag doll by someone who's already moved on with their life, because I can't get closure from them. The issue is that I honestly don't believe that I will ever get that closure, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do exactly. I've laid this at God's feet many a time, and I keep taking it back because it tortures me so much. I just want to move far away and forget about it all...God save me from myself.