The Unwritten Letter

I see you pass by
And I wonder what lies behind your eyes
Do you think back?
Or did you burn the memories?
There's so much I wish I could say
But the timing, it always seems to be wrong
Not now, not here, maybe tomorrow, but not today
But tomorrow never seems to come, and yesterday is so far gone

They say if you love something to let it go
But to that I say, if you really love something
Hold onto it for dear life
Because love is something the world seeks to steal and warp
To make into something superficial and meaningless
True, pure, compassionate love is a rarity in this lifetime
And it's something I feel is worth fighting for
If you only knew how much I still give to you

What I'm saying is, that I love you
And I don't think I will ever stop
I've tried so many times to let it go
But in the end, my heart still holds on
I won't pretend it's not painful, because it is
Far more than I want to admit sometimes
But I wouldn't trade it for anything
Because that would mean that you were never in my life

But even if it's not all my fault
I blame myself for everything
For failing to be the man I should have been
For failing to do what I should have done
Even now tears fall from my eyes
Because I miss you so much
I miss your smile, your laugh, your touch
And most of all, I miss your love

I wish I could tell you how much joy you gave me
How I couldn't sleep at night cause I was thinking about you
How you made me smile when I didn't want to
How you could melt my heart with just a glance and a smile
All of this I wish with all of my heart I could say
But all I can do is watch you walk away
And bury it all in my heart
This unwritten letter to you

If I Did, Would You Hate Me?

Ah, today...today. Not a lot happened really. I got to go to church, but it was family Sunday, so I was twenty minutes late, haha. Plus my normal seat was taken. Luckily, I had some good friends that had an extra seat near them. The downside was it was on the front row, lol. However, I think it was all part of God's strategic plan to work on getting me outside of my comfort zone. In the end, I was oddly comfortable with sittin' there. Plus it got me away from her and her boyfriend which sit two seats down from where I normally am, so I was at least a little less distracted, even though I was able to see them straight across from where I sat this morning =(.

Still don't know if I'm what I'm going to do with that letter. I want to give it to her, but at the same time, she looks happy with where she is. I don't want to disturb that because it's not my intent. I just want some kind of closure so I can freakin' move on already. It's going to come down to making a choice in the next couple of days and then leaving it at that. I will accept whatever happens as a result. It's time I stopped being distracted and delayed and get on with what God has for me. I may not have a clue what it is, and everything may be seem totally chaotic and messed up right now...but I know that means God is setting me up for something big that's going to hit from out of nowhere. I know that by the end of this I will have an amazing testimony (well, even more so than already) of what God can and will do. It's all just a matter of timing (ugh, lol).

Other than that, I'm gearing up for another long week. Tomorrow I work, so I don't get to go to my grandparents like I normally do for labor day (yay for working retail), and then I have volleyball practice. Tuesday is the same, but it's a game instead of practice. I'm off Wednesday. Thursday and Friday I close, so I miss the Friday night service. I'm off Saturday, and I work Sunday. So, it's going to be two weeks at the earliest before I get to go to church =(. I think what God is trying to get through to me is that I don't need church to experience His presence, but at the same time, I really, really don't want to miss what's going on. However, I know that this is all part of my "Process of Glory", and God will honor the fact that I'm working.

That's all for now. May God give you a good week!

Today's song: Breathe Into Me by Red...rock on.

What To Do

Well, today was interesting - not. I was sick this morning, so I didn't go to work. That was a mistake, cause it meant I was home alone, sick, and bored out of my mind.

I still haven't decided if I'm going to give her that letter yet or not. I'm going to have to trust God to help me make the right choice concerning it all. Matters of the heart are always so complicated and difficult...I wish they weren't. Other than that, I watch The Passion of the Christ for the first time since it was in theaters way back when. It still had the same impact on me. I cried 'till I couldn't anymore (yes, I'm an emotional, compassionate guy *gasp*), and I'm mentally exhausted from it all. It's just amazing what Jesus when through just so that we could be free from sin. Amazing really doesn't cut it actually...there are no word to describe that sort of sacrifice.

I think I'm going to head to bed now. I get to go to church tomorrow cause I don't have to work. Yay! Blessings...

Another Rant

Well, today was not such a good day. Despite my best efforts to be otherwise, I am miserable yet again. Work was long, I still have no idea about the other job, I'm home alone all weekend and I'm super lonely with no one to talk to. And it seems like every little thing that could go wrong today has. I'm immensely frustrated and that makes me more frustrated because I hate getting worked up over little stuff. Plus, I wrote that letter tonight, so I'm kind of an emotional wreck because of everything. It's amazing how the same emotion that can bring you endless joy, can bring you deathly sorrow. Love is an amazing thing for sure...

Sadly, I have to go to bed soon because I have to be up for work in eleven hours. I still don't understand what the heck God is trying to get through to me. I'm tired of feeling the way I do. And yea, I know, "change it", right? I've been trying, nothing is working, and I refuse to fake happiness. I did that for far too long and in the end it just makes things worse. Perhaps I'm too open about what I'm feelings sometimes, but I'm not going to say that I'm sorry for wearing my feelings on my sleeve. I'm tired of people who fake who they are because they are too scared of what others will think.

Anyway, that's my rant for the night. Off to bed. Nighty.

Just Another Day

Well, today was the normal. Get up, go to work, come home, go to bed...yay. Gotta be up at 6:30 to get ready for work tomorrow - I can't wait. I did something to my back and my leg is hurting like crazy and is partially numb. I'm really hoping that God chooses to impart grace on me soon and relieve it all.

Really not much other than that. Still missing her, like always. I'm hoping that this all ends soon. I just have this intense desire to be in love and have a family and whatnot. I'm really trying to trust God in all this stuff. Especially work and relationships. I'm not sure why I'm be stuck at a job right now where I am missing all the amazing things going on at church because I have to work, when I have another job, that is so much better, literally right there waiting for one guy to give an okay. And I don't know why I have to endure these feelings I have for her when they could just be lifted. What I do know is that God is using it all in some way to shape me into the man of God I'm supposed to be. If I miss church, God will honor that because I'm obeying and doing what I need to do. And really, there is a woman out there that God can't wait to show to me because He knows that she is the one. It's just all a matter of preparation and timing so that it will all work out as He designed. I have no doubt that once it all comes to fruition, He will be filled with as much joy as I will. Well, that's all for tonight. I need to get to bed so I can wake up in the morning. Be blessed and filled with joy!

p.s. Oh! One of my new favorite songs is Empty Me by Chris Sligh. Really, it's an amazing song. Listen to it sometime.

Insert Random Witty Title Here

So, today was rather, uh, dull. Work was easy, but exhausting. I got to move blocks around outside for 6 hours in crazy heat, making a display patio. Ooodles of fun there. I think I drank like 3 gallons of water or something. But hey, I got to come home and make some fresh sweet tea and spaghetti - so I can't complain, haha. I did run into a very cool verse (well, two actually, but they are together) today, kinda by random, that stuck to me. Here they are:

People with their minds set on you,
you keep completely whole,
Steady on their feet,
because they keep at it and don't quit.
Depend on God and keep at it
because in the Lord God you have a sure thing.

-Isaiah 26:3-4 (Msg)

Basically, focus yourself on God, keep doing it no matter what, and He will keep you whole. Even if you don't think it - it's there. And God is the one thing that you can pour everything into,and be absolutely sure that you aren't going to have wasted anything.

That's my day. I'm gonna start trying to journal every day, as it helps me maintain my sanity to a better degree...or so it seems, haha. Maybe, just maybe, I will get more readers that'll comment =). Nighty!

Guard Your Heart

So, it's been a while since I've written anything. Life has been...interesting, I guess you could say. I finally got a job, which is a blessing from God, because I got it the day I was gonna get kicked out of my house. As for the job itself, it's monotonous, and it makes me miss church, but it's money. I'm hoping to get this other job soon that pays more, is twenty seconds from home, has more hours, and gives me Sundays off - rather, I expect to get it, because I honestly believe that God is going to open up that door.

Other than that, I'm still struggling with love. I still love and miss her like crazy, and I'm really not too sure how to fix it. It's been nearly three months now, and though time may heal all...it's certainly taking it's time on this one. I've laid it all at the alter so many times. I've prayed for soul-ties to be broken. I've forgiven her for everything and asked for forgiveness anytime bitterness shows up. I guess I just need some kind of closure. I still have no real idea why it all fell apart into nothing, seemingly so fast. It was suggested that I write her a letter, basically just pouring out my heart about how I feel. I think it's something I need to do. I'm one of those types that lets things go through writing. However, I don't think I'll be able to move on unless she actually reads this one. I really need to know that she knows how I feel. How, despite everything, I still love her, care for her, and miss her more than I can describe. I honestly believed that she was the one and I gave her every ounce of my heart. Love is a wondrous, beautiful thing, but it can leave you so completely devastated if you invest too much into the wrong person. Not that I'm saying it's wrong to love people with all your heart, but I'm referring to the romantic kind of love. Moving too fast and/or without God being in control of the relationship is like asking for a disaster. There is even a warning about it in the Bible.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

-Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

When it all comes down to it, I know that God has it all under control. even when I think otherwise, and He will use all things for the greater good. I know for certain that God is forming in me a well of compassion for people. It's always been there, but God is really starting to bring it out. As always, I'm excited to see what God is going to do next - in my life, and other's.

I know many don't read this, but I have a prayer request. I'm really, really wanting to see this other job I have in the works come through, and I need direction about where I am to go next in my walk with God. I guess, that's actually two, but it works. Thanks to all, and blessings to you.