The Journey: Part Two

So, originally I had something like two pages of stuff typed out, with a lot more to go, but I decided to scrap it all. Honestly, I have to finish writting something in one setting or it just doesn't mesh with the next time I sit down. I guess it could be described as being caught up in a moment, but that's when I write my best, or so I think.

The last few months - what a ride. I met the most amazing girl ever, who absolutely blew me away, we moved too fast, got engaged, it ended suddenly and sadly, we don't talk anymore. I've made new friends who I would have never thought of finding before. I've grown so much closer to all of my family. I was baptized in the Spirit. I've been set free from so many things, stumbled, got set free again, stumbled again. I've made people mad. People have made me mad. I've disappointed people. People have disappointed me. I've made so many mistakes that I can't even think of them all. I am completely impatient with everything. I want things that I know I can't have right now and I have a hard time letting them go. The things that I can have, that are right in front of me, I don't take most of the time. I let myself be tormented by one thing far too often, but I don't let myself be free of it because I long for it so much. I've been stuck on "stupid" a lot...and I mean a lot. There is so much more and I could go on and on and on, but I digress. Oh, and I have a new found fondness of being honest and transparent...

So, what is the significance of listing all that in a long, rambling paragraph? To say this: Good, bad, ugly, stupid, painful, or whatever the situation, God uses it to shape us a little more into what he wants us to be. Through each situation we become just a little stronger and we get one more piece to the puzzle that defines us. Probably the best way I've heard this described is from one of the men I respect most in my life, who has taken so much time out of his own busy schedule to invest in me. He defined it as our "Process of Glory", and I couldn't agree more.

Through everything that's happened, my relationship with Jesus Christ is on a level I never knew really existed and I know that it can go so much deeper. What's more, in the process, I have learned so much about myself - those puzzle pieces I mentioned. I'll list some of the good things I have discovered.

• I was made to love deep and care for others - I still don't fully know why, and I've gotten myself into a lot of trouble with this one because I give my heart too freely, too quickly...but I know God has a reason.
  

• I was made to pray and intercede - I love praying, especially for others. I honestly can talk to God for hours about whatever. I'm sure people have thought I am crazy because I sound like I'm talking to myself.
  

• I was made to listen - Despite my inherent shyness, I truly do love to talk to people. I enjoy hearing about people's lives - where they've been, how they got through, and what God is doing right then. Though, I admit, I like to talk too, ha.

Along with the good, comes the bad. God has revealed a lot of things in my life which I need to deal with and get away from - all out of his love for me because he wants to see me become the man of God he made me to be.

• I make the same mistakes over and over - I have this terrible issue with repeating the same mistake over and over. I get stuck on "stupid" and do it even though I know I shouldn't.

• I struggle with pride, lust, jealousy, envy, anger, forgiveness, patience, trying to control situations/people, and trusting in God/others - Yeah, I know that's a long, deadly list, but at least I know now, instead of being totally blind like before. God has been dealing with me on this stuff, and it's been rough...
  

• I struggle with fear - More like I have major issues with it, and it's infuriating. It doesn't seem to matter what the situation, I have fear, and it's keeping me from taking the steps I need to make in order to get where I need to be. Even something as simple as reaching out is impossibly hard for me. I've prayed and prayed and prayed about this, but what it all comes down to is I have to make the choice to do it, regardless of fear, and trust that God will take care of the rest.

Again, what the above struggles amount to is God taking me through my "Process of Glory". To delve a little deeper into that, I want to mention something my father said about a month ago. He read the following out of Hebrews 6:7-8 (NIV):

"Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned."

What he went on to say, is that throughout our lives we have planted good seed and bad seed, and when the times comes that God starts to pour out the rain of his grace and mercy, whatever we have planted is going to grow - be it good or bad. At that point, we have to start the process of weeding out the bad seed and letting God burn it up in order to make room for the good seed.

It's by no means a fun process, and at times it seems unbearable. However, I cling to the following verse:

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.

- I Corinthians 10:13 (Msg)

So, I know I can handle all of this, but I wish that God didn't trust me so much sometimes. Or maybe that I could trust myself as much as God trusts me. I'm tired of holding myself back from the things God has for me, for whatever reason. I want to be consumed by the fire of God and the calling he has for my life. I want to experience a pure joy in my life everyday that can only come from the blessing of God. I want to fall madly and completely in love with God, the one I know I can invest my love in and it won't leave me brokenhearted.

I know God has everything under control and that if I trust him and be patient, when the time is right, the things that I desire will come into my life.

It's all right there, just a few steps away...all I need to do is start walking and reach out for it...

It's the same for everyone, no matter what the situation...

God bless

My Goodbye

There's so many things that I've wanted to say, which I haven't gotten the chance to, and I doubt I ever will. So many questions I wish I could have an answer to. But, I know the only thing that I can do is let it all go and move on, knowing that God has my life and future in his loving, caring hands.

If only there were a way to explain to you how I really feel - it's almost impossible. There is a true sadness, but at the same time I'm so thankful and joyful. Though I may lose a friend forever, memories have been made that will never fade in my heart, and I know that in time I will look back, remember, and smile. But right now, I'm here crying again because I'm thinking of you, knowing that you don't even think of me anymore. I just wish I could show you how I feel - show you the depths of my heart. I just wish I could hold you and kiss you again. That I could look into your eyes and see that smile once more. That I could hear those three words that took me to a place so far from here one more time.

You'll never know how much I miss you, or, despite everything, how much I still love you. There hasn't been a day gone by that I haven't thought of you and wished there was something I could say to change it all. You have no idea how hard it is to see you and have to walk on by like I don't know you; to pretend that you weren't a big part of my life. I hope one day we find our way back together somehow...but tonight, I put it all in the box of memories contained in my heart, hoping for that day to come. Tonight, I have to let you go. I can't wait any longer...I have to move on.

Goodbye for now, but hopefully never forever...

Ich liebe dich...you were my world.

I Do Not Belong

This song has for some reason captivated my heart...it reminds me that God has it all under control and that I don't belong in a world of broken pieces. God will fix everything and make it better than I could on my own. He has the blueprint for my life. Even if I think it's not getting put together right, He is the architect and knows best. In the end, what matters is that I glorify Him in all that I do - He'll take care of the rest.

"I Do Not Belong" by Kutless

I look around and I feel like, thing's changed and I don't know why
And everyday that passes by I feel so far away
I can see in the distance, You have the rest of me
I put my trust in you, as I look beyond today
It's all becoming clear

I do no belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong

When the world is behind me on the day that I breathe my last
In the face of eternity there's hope cause' I believe
When I look to the heavens and the future that you hold
It makes it easier to see beyond today
Now I'm looking to the sky

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong

This world is not my home
I'm a stranger in this land
But I am not alone
When I do not belong

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong
No, I do not belong

Like a Cold Night...

Loneliness is setting in again like darkness on a cold winter's night. I have few people I can really converse with on the level I need to right now - I really hate superfluous conversations. I feel like the desires of my heart are getting farther and farther away with each passing day. Mayhaps those desires are not the ones that God sees as best for my life., or maybe I am simply being tested and molded. Either way, all I can do is trust in Him.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

-Psalms 37:4 (NIV)

"In his heart man plans his course, but God determines his steps."

-Proverbs 16:9 (NIV)

"Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails."

-Proverbs 19:21 (NIV)

"A man’s steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand his own way?"

-Proverbs 20:24 (NIV)


I believe myself to be delighting myself in the Lord. I love to pray, I love to worship, and I want find my true calling. However, I wonder if God isn't asking more of me and I just haven't realized it yet, or maybe I have and I'm reluctant. I know there is at least one thing that I'm not being obedient on, but it's always been an issue for me. I'm fighting it, but like always, it seems to have it's grip on me and I can't seem to get free. Or maybe it's more like the fact that I feel comfortable where I am and I don't want to lose total grip on what I perceived as my reality?

I think what God has been trying to get me to do all along is let go of everything I knew because it was almost all wrong. My life was based on a solid foundation of Christ, but somewhere along the line it started to deviate from that narrow path and I created my own reality which manipulated everything to the way I wanted it to be - God included. I feel once I can let go and let God have total control of everything (and trust me when I say that is really, really hard), it will all fall into place, and God will be able to finish restructuring my life¹. Until I can do that, I'm at a standstill, and I do not like it. I feel so stretched out, yet, I'm not really doing anything. That alone should be an indicator that I'm doing something wrong.

Like a close friend of mine said, I need to engage and surround myself with people who are like "Jesus with skin". I need people who will encourage me, build me up, advise me, correct me, love me, listen to me, be honest, etc. and I have no problems doing the same for them.Unfortunately, that's rather difficult to find people who are like that.

On a closing note, I find it funny how we always say time is precious, yet we are always waiting for the things we want the most. I really wish I knew what it felt like to have absence make the heart grow fonder...it always seems to make it grow more distant and unrealistic for me. I pray God will change that soon...

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¹ "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished..." - Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

Sigh...

So, tonight has pretty much sucked 'cause I've found myself thinking and worrying about stuff I thought I'd left in God's hands. It's not as bad as it usually is, but I feel so lonely and secluded. I really don't like it, but I'm not sure there is much I can do about it right now other than pray and leave it in God's hands again and continue to do that until I can finally, truly leave it there.

I always say that I wish it were a few months from now so this would all be done and over with, but a few months from now will bring its own set of circumstances and issues to deal with. But at least it won't be this one right now, which is the worst kind for me. *Sigh* I just need to keep a steady focus on God and seek His will over mine and have faith it will all work out better than I could imagine. I just wish I had the patience to wait for God's timing instead of trying to make everything work when I want it to. Life would be much simpler...

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."

-Philippians 4:6-7 (Msg)

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers -- most of which are never even seen -- don’t you think he’ll attend to you and take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the times comes."

-Matthew 6:30-34 (Msg)

Honesty

You know, I have no problem being honest and transparent when people ask me about things, it's just most people never really take the time to do that for whatever reason. So instead, they tend to assume. Then you flip the situation and I ask how someone is doing or what's going on in their life, and I usually get a facade of some sort. So rarely do I get a truly honest answer. It's immensely frustrating...why are we so programmed to run from issues instead of standing and facing them? Why are we so programmed to not open up to others and ask for help even when it's freely offered?

I've struggled with this myself, but I've gotten to the point where I'm going to be honest. If you ask me how I am, be prepared to hear something other than a superfluous "fine" or "I'm doing okay". Sure, there are times where I am doing good, but life is a struggle most times and I'm tired of faking happiness. I honestly feel that constantly bottling up those issues is what causes that seemingly endless downward spiral of increasing depression and problems.

I feel that until we as the Body of Christ start opening up to each other in honesty about what's going on in our lives and our struggles, we will never be unified in the way that God desires. Sure, there are things that should be kept private, but if you are struggling with something, find someone to pray with you! There are so many people that care and are willing to fight with you. I'm sure there's even someone you know that's gone through a similar situation who can give you counsel. The key is to open up. If you are shunned by some, don't let it discourage you. The people that you want in your life will stick with you through it and help you get to where you need to be.

Honestly, if you have a prayer request, let me know. It doesn't matter how big or small!

Blessings to you...

The Journey: Part One - Written March 16th, 2008

I feel lost, but not alone. I know God is there, but nonetheless, I feel as if I am wondering aimlessly with no sense of direction. Or rather, I suppose I have a sense of direction, but I honestly have no idea if it's it's the right one. I really don't want to make another bad choice right now and end up where I was. I'm trying so hard to do what I know is right and to go where I need to go. I know that things are getting better and that God is here with me helping me through it all - there is no other explanation.

A lot of the things that were bothering me before aren't causing me too many problems anymore. It's this new batch, of not so much problems, but questions, that are tying up my mind in a way that I really don't like. Some I know the answers to, but don't want to accept or don't know how to go about carrying it out. Others, I have some idea, but I don't want to risk messing it up by making a wrong choice. Then there are the questions that I have no idea about, and it drives me crazy. The last category is where the majority of my questions lie, unfortunately. I hate not being in the know and I am constantly searching for answers to everything. I feel like I am always asking who, why, where, when, how, or something else, instead of just trusting that God will do what is best for me - even when I don't know the way it is going to come about.

I guess when I really stop to think about it, I am going in the general direction that I need to be going. I just wish that it were a little more pointed and specific so that I wouldn't feel like I am lost. I don't know, maybe it's all already there and I'm just missing the fine print somehow. Usually I am a stickler for details, but perhaps I'm missing them this time around. Only time will tell, I suppose. The one thing that I do know is that everything will happen when God plans for it to, and it will all work out for His glory. I get the feeling that God is trying to beat the concept of patience into my head until I really do understand it's full meaning. It's not easy by any means - at least for myself.