We Shouldn't Paint Blindfolded

Even when we don’t understand what it is that’s going on around us, all the puzzle pieces are going into the proper places. It’s when we try to rearrange them ourselves that things start to actually get messed up. It’s like trying to paint a picture of the country side while you are blindfolded with a giant paintbrush. At best, you’ll create a horrible replica of the real beauty that is before you and you'll miss all the small details that make it such a wonder to behold.

The same will happen if you try to finish the puzzle yourself. It will be a horrible representation of what God really wanted to look like, you'll miss out on all the little things God had planned for you AND He will have to spend time fixing all the mistakes. Sometimes we are allowed to fall into darkness so that the light becomes that much brighter and means that much more.

Tests and trials are a catalyst for your mind, heart and soul, but it's up to you to let it catalyze your hunger for Christ's grace, mercy and selflessness - not your own selfishness and self pity.

Do yourself a favor and trust your Creator.

Perpetual Darkness

When your eyes start to fade into the perpetual darkness that is at hand, there is usually a sense of overwhelming fear that walks hand-in-hand. Oddly enough, this time, there is not. As I'm slowly being choked by forces unseen, I don't feel much, if anything. I don't know if it's because I've realized there is nothing I can do, or because I know that God is there with me and will get me through it all.

That's much the problem with everything. I see the two extremes - there is no "middle ground" for me. It's all or nothing. Try as I might, I can't escape this pattern that seems to be hard-wired into my analytical processes. This same issue applies to my mood and attitude. I'm either super, happy go lucky, or depressed and angry beyond reason. There is the occasional time when I'm simply "okay", but that's usually just the short transition between one of the two extremes. Any other time, I'm usually horrible, and I'm sick of saying so, so I say that I'm fine. Some would chalk this up to being bi-polar, which I suppose could be it, but I don't think so.

One thing that is so frustrating, is that I know what's going on - at least for the most part. I'm caught up in a pattern, a circle if you will, and I keep going through the same motions. What's ridiculous is that this circle encompasses nearly every aspect of my life all at once. Of course, if that's the case, then you can most likely narrow down the origin of the issue to one thing - my relationship with God. Oh what a fickle thing it is, but only because I make it so.

Isn't that just ironic? Everything that happens, well, at least most of it, is because of my own actions in accordance to something else. One minute, I'm perfectly fine, then the next, something happens and I'm in the other extreme. I'm angry, upset, hurt, jealous, bitter, and so many other things, and all because I'm not secure enough in my relationship with God to just say, "It'll be okay, because I have you here with me, Jesus,". I don't have the patience, the grace, the mercy, the love, the desire, the heart, the anything, to be what I want and need to be. It's only through Christ that I gain any of that, and the moment I wander or stumble, I lose all grips on anything I had. I have to start over from the beginning again.

I'm miserable all the time. I am lonely all the time. I am sad all the time. I am wounded in my heart all the time. I say I want to be loved, yet I myself have no inkling of the true nature of love or how to give it. So therefore, how will I know what it means to have love? Why is love such a fickle thing. One minute, it takes you beyond the clouds, and the next it drives you into hell itself without any remorse. I'd give anything to have someone to hold and love right now - someone who I could marry and start a family with, but I'm not so naive that I don't understand it wouldn't work. I don't have the capacity or understanding to love selflessly, unconditionally, wholeheartedly and purely. I'm a slave to my flesh and I'm bound in lust, desire, jealously, anger, and all things evil. I want out, and I want freedom, yet it never comes no matter how much I ask. Though I don't think it's so much that it doesn't come, but rather that I don't accept it. It never ends...

Save Me From Myself

It's funny how things can change over and over in such a short frame of time.Or rather, I suppose it's really not all that comical. In fact, it inflicts a myriad of emotions that fester in my mind and heart until I begin to literally go crazy. It is utterly ridiculous how often this cycle repeats itself. I'm fine for a few days or a week, and then like an inescapable flood, everything washes over me, in nearly an instant, totally overwhelming me. I find myself drowning in anger, depression, loneliness, sadness, frustration, hurt and bitterness. It all pounds against the inside of my head, until I want to scream in an attempt to get some relief, but even if I were to do so, no one would hear me. Even now, my mind is so scrambled that I'm having trouble writing because I have no focus. I'm thinking half a hundred things at once, most of which contradict one or another, adding to the confusion. I get to the point where all I can do is curl up and ask over and over for God to wrap me in His arms and make it go away. When does this maddness end?

Most of which I battle with are things I've cried out for freedom from more than I can count. It's not that I'm stuck on stupid, but rather seems I'm stuck on insane. I keep going around the same mountain over and over hoping that the next time will render a different result. Even if I know that won't generate what I want it to, I go around and around regardless. Quite frankly, I can narrow down eighty percent of my issues to one thing, and all I want is closure in the ordeal. At this point, I've given up on any type of relationship/friendship because they just don't seem interested, no matter what I do. I just want closure so that I can MOVE ON. I'm tired of being dragged along like a rag doll by someone who's already moved on with their life, because I can't get closure from them. The issue is that I honestly don't believe that I will ever get that closure, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do exactly. I've laid this at God's feet many a time, and I keep taking it back because it tortures me so much. I just want to move far away and forget about it all...God save me from myself.

But a Small Update

So, it's been a while. I finally got tired of writing everyday, and eventually I just stopped for a week or however long it is. Even this one won't be long. I dunno...I just haven't been in the mood to write. Though, I'm sure that I'll have a long post here pretty soon. Perhaps The Journey Part Three.

So much has been happening in just the last week, and I'm really not sure how to take it all. I've got one part of me tugging this way, another that, and another this, and another that. More than anything, I just want to get where God wants me to be.

A small peak, I suppose. I had a conversation with her tonight for thirty minutes on the phone. Amazingly enough, it wasn't awkward. I really, really miss talking to her...but at the same time, those feelings are still there, so I'm trying to find some balance in order to make sure that I don't end up trapping myself. But, I said that I talked to her to say this. I actually prayed with her on the phone before I let her go. That was a HUGE step for me in going where God wants me to go. Like I've mentioned before, prayer is one of the places I feel God is moving me to, and I've always had this fear to pray with others...especially her. Granted it's not in person, but it's still a step in the right direction.

I could keep writing for a long time, but it's nearly two a.m. and I've got work in a wonderful seven hours.

Waiting for the Next

Today, was, uh...tiring. Work was exceedingly long, and I got sun burnt really bad. I started to feel sick and had a headache =(. Other than that, not a whole lot happened. Well, I guess something did, but I'm going to allude to mentioning anything further about it, haha...other than I'm trusting that God is starting to reveal His plan...

Here's a cool couple of verses I ran by today...

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

-Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV)

Nighty night...

Facing the Change

So, today was one of those days where it was just a good day. I got to go out to the church and dig a hole, which was actually rather invigorating, haha. It was a good work out, and I got to serve God =). After I got done with that I relaxed at home until we had service. Then I went to Wendy's with a couple of friends for a bit and talked. So, it was a good day.

I did do a lot of thinking again today though (surprise surprise). I've got a feeling that things are going to start changing again, and I don't know if I'm ready for it or not. But, I could be wrong, and things could continue to go as they have been.

Only time will tell, as always. I just wish I had more insight as to the direction that God wants me to take with my life so that I can really start to go after it. Once I set my mind on something, I'm 100% into it, but when I don't have a place to focus, I start to get antsy and it causes me a lot of problem. I just want that place to focus so I can go all out.

Well, I'm off to bed. Nighty night.

Today's Song: Pieces by Red

More of the Same

Well, today was normal. Work was long. That's about it, ha. I went and played some volleyball with some friends after work, and then came home. Tomorrow, I'm going to the church to help out with some stuff and hopefully taking my spiritual father to lunch. I'm really excited, to be honest. It's a privilege to get to serve others and help out.

Other than that, I'm feeling about the normal. The same stuff is still weighing on me, and I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do. I'm praying that God will show me clearly sometime soon. Anyway, I'm off to bed. Night...

Today's Song: Photograph by 12 Stones

For the Sake of Love

What am I missing? I know I've gone over this several times already, but I'm here again. Why am I still so hurt by what's going on with her? I know that I fell hard for her and I know it "takes time", but honestly, it's been three and a half months...when does it start getting better?

Am I stuck on stupid, or is God trying to tell me something? I'm at a loss here. She's been on my heart so heavily the last couple of weeks. I wanted to call her so bad today, just to say, "Hi, how are you?", because I feel like no one has done that lately and actually wanted to hear something other than, "I'm okay". Maybe, I'm way off base.

I'd do near anything for her because she means that much to me, which is why...I have to do nothing and let God do what He does. Quite frankly, I'd rather poke my eyes out with a dull, plastic spork, because I think it'd be less painful. I'm trying to trust that God will follow through on this - I really am. I'm getting worn down though, and I don't know how much longer I can do this...

I Wish You'd See

Today was good. Church was awesome, like always - I'm glad that I got to go. She wasn't there again today, so again, it was nice to not have that distraction there...although I still wish she'd have come. Quite honestly, I'd like to know how she is ~really~ doing. I'd ask, but I really feel that I wouldn't get an honest answer for her. I just wish she'd see that she has friends that truly care about her and want to see her well and happy. Friends who love her so much and would do almost anything for her. I don't know, maybe she does, but whatever is causing all this crud, I rebuke in the name of Jesus. I'm sick and tired the broken friendships and it's affect on so many people.

I feel God is starting to move in a lot of areas, so only He knows what's going to happen. All I can do is pray and hope that it all works out. Which it will, but it may not be in the way I want it to, and I need to get myself to where I'm humble enough to accept that if it's the case. I just need to walk the path God wants me to, and be obedient to Him, and everything else will fall into place.

I'm off the bed - gots work early in the morn'. Nighty.

Today's Song: You're Grace Is Enough by Matt Maher

Waiting For Tomorrow

Well, today was basically just another day. Work was so slow and boring that I got exhausted from doing nothing...I honestly can't stand it. I even tried to find stuff to do and asked my managers for things, but it never took me more than twenty minutes to finish whatever it was.

I finally finished typing out all the stuff on that dream that I had. I must say, I've been thinking about it a lot and I'm really wondering what it all means. I feel there is something there that God is trying to tell me.

Other than that, I have tomorrow off, so I get to go to church, which I'm excited about. The only thing I'm not looking forward to is seeing her. It always makes me sad =(. Anyway, I'm crashin'. Night!

Today's Song: You Won't Relent (Seal) by Misty Edwards