Facing the Change

So, today was one of those days where it was just a good day. I got to go out to the church and dig a hole, which was actually rather invigorating, haha. It was a good work out, and I got to serve God =). After I got done with that I relaxed at home until we had service. Then I went to Wendy's with a couple of friends for a bit and talked. So, it was a good day.

I did do a lot of thinking again today though (surprise surprise). I've got a feeling that things are going to start changing again, and I don't know if I'm ready for it or not. But, I could be wrong, and things could continue to go as they have been.

Only time will tell, as always. I just wish I had more insight as to the direction that God wants me to take with my life so that I can really start to go after it. Once I set my mind on something, I'm 100% into it, but when I don't have a place to focus, I start to get antsy and it causes me a lot of problem. I just want that place to focus so I can go all out.

Well, I'm off to bed. Nighty night.

Today's Song: Pieces by Red

More of the Same

Well, today was normal. Work was long. That's about it, ha. I went and played some volleyball with some friends after work, and then came home. Tomorrow, I'm going to the church to help out with some stuff and hopefully taking my spiritual father to lunch. I'm really excited, to be honest. It's a privilege to get to serve others and help out.

Other than that, I'm feeling about the normal. The same stuff is still weighing on me, and I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do. I'm praying that God will show me clearly sometime soon. Anyway, I'm off to bed. Night...

Today's Song: Photograph by 12 Stones

For the Sake of Love

What am I missing? I know I've gone over this several times already, but I'm here again. Why am I still so hurt by what's going on with her? I know that I fell hard for her and I know it "takes time", but honestly, it's been three and a half months...when does it start getting better?

Am I stuck on stupid, or is God trying to tell me something? I'm at a loss here. She's been on my heart so heavily the last couple of weeks. I wanted to call her so bad today, just to say, "Hi, how are you?", because I feel like no one has done that lately and actually wanted to hear something other than, "I'm okay". Maybe, I'm way off base.

I'd do near anything for her because she means that much to me, which is why...I have to do nothing and let God do what He does. Quite frankly, I'd rather poke my eyes out with a dull, plastic spork, because I think it'd be less painful. I'm trying to trust that God will follow through on this - I really am. I'm getting worn down though, and I don't know how much longer I can do this...

I Wish You'd See

Today was good. Church was awesome, like always - I'm glad that I got to go. She wasn't there again today, so again, it was nice to not have that distraction there...although I still wish she'd have come. Quite honestly, I'd like to know how she is ~really~ doing. I'd ask, but I really feel that I wouldn't get an honest answer for her. I just wish she'd see that she has friends that truly care about her and want to see her well and happy. Friends who love her so much and would do almost anything for her. I don't know, maybe she does, but whatever is causing all this crud, I rebuke in the name of Jesus. I'm sick and tired the broken friendships and it's affect on so many people.

I feel God is starting to move in a lot of areas, so only He knows what's going to happen. All I can do is pray and hope that it all works out. Which it will, but it may not be in the way I want it to, and I need to get myself to where I'm humble enough to accept that if it's the case. I just need to walk the path God wants me to, and be obedient to Him, and everything else will fall into place.

I'm off the bed - gots work early in the morn'. Nighty.

Today's Song: You're Grace Is Enough by Matt Maher

Waiting For Tomorrow

Well, today was basically just another day. Work was so slow and boring that I got exhausted from doing nothing...I honestly can't stand it. I even tried to find stuff to do and asked my managers for things, but it never took me more than twenty minutes to finish whatever it was.

I finally finished typing out all the stuff on that dream that I had. I must say, I've been thinking about it a lot and I'm really wondering what it all means. I feel there is something there that God is trying to tell me.

Other than that, I have tomorrow off, so I get to go to church, which I'm excited about. The only thing I'm not looking forward to is seeing her. It always makes me sad =(. Anyway, I'm crashin'. Night!

Today's Song: You Won't Relent (Seal) by Misty Edwards

When Will It End?

Well, today was actually a good day, until the end =(. I spent the morning working on writing out all the details on my dream, and I'm about halfway done. Work was easy and boring. However, one of the guys in our department is transfering to a different one because a couple of people quit in it, so our schedules are going to get chaotic.

After I got off work, I headed to the church to see people and my family, and I was great, until she spend like fifteen minutes loving on my sisters like they are family, whilst I'm five feet away. It made me absolutely infuriated, even though it shouldn't have. It just really, really upsets me that she can do that and completely ignore me - it's like a slap in the face after everything that's happened.

I'm to the point where I really can't take it anymore. I'm tired of seeing her. I'm tired of dealing with these feelings when I do. I'm tired of it all. Sadly, there is no simple solution that I can see. I can't just stop going to church there because I know it's where I'm supposed to be. I can't shut off the feelings. What am I supposed to do? How freaking long must I wait for this to all conclude? It's utterly ridiculous...

Today's Song: Lie To Me by 12 Stones

Dream of Meaning?

Today was a normal day off - nothing all that great. The only thing that really sticks out is a very long and complex dream that I had last night. I've started journaling my dreams when I wake up, and this one took up a whole page, haha. It was mostly about her, but it had a lot of other stuff in there too - lots of symbols. I'm really curious as to what it means. I believe there is something I'm supposed to get from it because there was far too much in it, and too many details, lol.

Other than that, I started working on memorizing guitar scales (finally). I was supposed to go do something tonight with some people, but never got a hold of them. It's okay though. I gotta work tomorrow evening, so hopefully service will run a little past nine so that I can catch some of it.

Anyway, off to bed - nighty.

Today's Song: Empty Me by Jeremy Camp

I Really Like Your Hair

Hmmm, today...today was good. Work was so easy that it made me tired (if that makes any sense, haha). It consisted of placing 400+ labels on various trees to indicate that they are, in fact, a lesser price. Unless, of course, it's one of those odd balls where the "Everyday Low Price" is something like $49.99, and the "As Advertised" fall sale value is $57.99...go go common sense. After that, I assembled yet another grill, w00t. After that, I went home, relaxed, and got ready for church.

You know, funny things happen at the oddest times. Right when I walked into church, she walked by, I waved, she said "I like really like your hair", and I said "Thanks"...and that was it. It's still making me laugh, and I honestly don't know why, but it is, haha. One thing I do know, is that I have more peace than I had before, which is rather odd, but I'm not going to complain. I have a feeling that things are going to get interesting very soon - be it good or bad, I don't know. I'm positive that God has it all under control though.

Well, I'm gonna crash. Nighty.

Today's Song: Sleepwalking by Blindside

A Cry For Intimacy

I try to comprehend why some things are so hard to let go of, but in the end, it always complicates the problem. At some point, I'm going to have to accept that there is absolutally nothing that I can do, nothing I can say, nothing at all. Some things simply are, and you either accept it and move on, or you let it cosume you and tear you apart from the inside out. Quite honestly, I'm getting tired of the latter option. I hate these feelings that well up from inside at the worst times - that are connected to things that I enjoy. I want, no, I need freedom. There is just this twisted part of me, that for some reason, loves to hold on to these things that drag me into hell.

Is it so much to ask to simply want to live for God? To give Him all my love, all my devotion, all my passion? To entrust him with my thoughts, dreams, hopes, loves, hurts? Why, when it's the most ridiculously obvious choice, is it so impossibly hard? Why, when God has never, ever let me down, stopped loving me, stopped calling for me, stopped fighting tooth and nail for my soul, do I still turn my back on Him over the most utterly stupid things? It's absolutely infuriating to me. My heart cries out for an intimacy with my Creator, but I deny myself that very thing more oft than not.

At some point, I'm either going to do what I need to do, or God is going to break me down once again, and honestly, I prefer the former, as the latter has always been hell. At some point, I'll fully realize that nothing else matters. At some point, it will all click, and only then will the rest of my life click.

Today's Song: Frontline by Pillar

Weather of Memories

Ah, what I'd give...but really, would I? It's just been one of those days where nostalgia has run rampant. Personally, I blame the weather. It brings back so many memories of things that I miss. Fifty-eight degrees, a slight breeze, clouds in the sky, and a setting sun. I want someone to snuggle up with and hold onto - I'd give nearly anything. It's so frustrating...I don't want money, I don't want fame, I don't want stuff...I just want to love and be loved. I want to be married and have a family so much that it's nearly painful.

The thing is that I know I'm not ready. There are things in my life that I have to get sorted out before I will be. I need to get myself back in order, get my goals planned out, get a couple of them accomplished, work on rebuilding my life into what God wants it to be and only then consider trying to fit someone else into that puzzle. It's hard to fit someone else into your life when you don't have all the pieces of yourself in order, because you don't know where or how they fit.

I know that it's all just a matter of time before things start to fall into place. All that it requires is that I stay walking in the will of God. He knows my heart's desires, and he will fulfill them (Psalm 37:4). I'm also sure, that like with nearly everything in my life, it will take me completely by surprise. I can deal with that though, because it'll make it that much easier to give God all the glory. However, I really do hope that this season of testing doesn't take as long as it usually does.

Well, I'm off to bed, as I have to be up in the morning for work.

Today's Song: Something New by Fireflight