We Shouldn't Paint Blindfolded

Even when we don’t understand what it is that’s going on around us, all the puzzle pieces are going into the proper places. It’s when we try to rearrange them ourselves that things start to actually get messed up. It’s like trying to paint a picture of the country side while you are blindfolded with a giant paintbrush. At best, you’ll create a horrible replica of the real beauty that is before you and you'll miss all the small details that make it such a wonder to behold.

The same will happen if you try to finish the puzzle yourself. It will be a horrible representation of what God really wanted to look like, you'll miss out on all the little things God had planned for you AND He will have to spend time fixing all the mistakes. Sometimes we are allowed to fall into darkness so that the light becomes that much brighter and means that much more.

Tests and trials are a catalyst for your mind, heart and soul, but it's up to you to let it catalyze your hunger for Christ's grace, mercy and selflessness - not your own selfishness and self pity.

Do yourself a favor and trust your Creator.

Perpetual Darkness

When your eyes start to fade into the perpetual darkness that is at hand, there is usually a sense of overwhelming fear that walks hand-in-hand. Oddly enough, this time, there is not. As I'm slowly being choked by forces unseen, I don't feel much, if anything. I don't know if it's because I've realized there is nothing I can do, or because I know that God is there with me and will get me through it all.

That's much the problem with everything. I see the two extremes - there is no "middle ground" for me. It's all or nothing. Try as I might, I can't escape this pattern that seems to be hard-wired into my analytical processes. This same issue applies to my mood and attitude. I'm either super, happy go lucky, or depressed and angry beyond reason. There is the occasional time when I'm simply "okay", but that's usually just the short transition between one of the two extremes. Any other time, I'm usually horrible, and I'm sick of saying so, so I say that I'm fine. Some would chalk this up to being bi-polar, which I suppose could be it, but I don't think so.

One thing that is so frustrating, is that I know what's going on - at least for the most part. I'm caught up in a pattern, a circle if you will, and I keep going through the same motions. What's ridiculous is that this circle encompasses nearly every aspect of my life all at once. Of course, if that's the case, then you can most likely narrow down the origin of the issue to one thing - my relationship with God. Oh what a fickle thing it is, but only because I make it so.

Isn't that just ironic? Everything that happens, well, at least most of it, is because of my own actions in accordance to something else. One minute, I'm perfectly fine, then the next, something happens and I'm in the other extreme. I'm angry, upset, hurt, jealous, bitter, and so many other things, and all because I'm not secure enough in my relationship with God to just say, "It'll be okay, because I have you here with me, Jesus,". I don't have the patience, the grace, the mercy, the love, the desire, the heart, the anything, to be what I want and need to be. It's only through Christ that I gain any of that, and the moment I wander or stumble, I lose all grips on anything I had. I have to start over from the beginning again.

I'm miserable all the time. I am lonely all the time. I am sad all the time. I am wounded in my heart all the time. I say I want to be loved, yet I myself have no inkling of the true nature of love or how to give it. So therefore, how will I know what it means to have love? Why is love such a fickle thing. One minute, it takes you beyond the clouds, and the next it drives you into hell itself without any remorse. I'd give anything to have someone to hold and love right now - someone who I could marry and start a family with, but I'm not so naive that I don't understand it wouldn't work. I don't have the capacity or understanding to love selflessly, unconditionally, wholeheartedly and purely. I'm a slave to my flesh and I'm bound in lust, desire, jealously, anger, and all things evil. I want out, and I want freedom, yet it never comes no matter how much I ask. Though I don't think it's so much that it doesn't come, but rather that I don't accept it. It never ends...

Save Me From Myself

It's funny how things can change over and over in such a short frame of time.Or rather, I suppose it's really not all that comical. In fact, it inflicts a myriad of emotions that fester in my mind and heart until I begin to literally go crazy. It is utterly ridiculous how often this cycle repeats itself. I'm fine for a few days or a week, and then like an inescapable flood, everything washes over me, in nearly an instant, totally overwhelming me. I find myself drowning in anger, depression, loneliness, sadness, frustration, hurt and bitterness. It all pounds against the inside of my head, until I want to scream in an attempt to get some relief, but even if I were to do so, no one would hear me. Even now, my mind is so scrambled that I'm having trouble writing because I have no focus. I'm thinking half a hundred things at once, most of which contradict one or another, adding to the confusion. I get to the point where all I can do is curl up and ask over and over for God to wrap me in His arms and make it go away. When does this maddness end?

Most of which I battle with are things I've cried out for freedom from more than I can count. It's not that I'm stuck on stupid, but rather seems I'm stuck on insane. I keep going around the same mountain over and over hoping that the next time will render a different result. Even if I know that won't generate what I want it to, I go around and around regardless. Quite frankly, I can narrow down eighty percent of my issues to one thing, and all I want is closure in the ordeal. At this point, I've given up on any type of relationship/friendship because they just don't seem interested, no matter what I do. I just want closure so that I can MOVE ON. I'm tired of being dragged along like a rag doll by someone who's already moved on with their life, because I can't get closure from them. The issue is that I honestly don't believe that I will ever get that closure, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do exactly. I've laid this at God's feet many a time, and I keep taking it back because it tortures me so much. I just want to move far away and forget about it all...God save me from myself.

But a Small Update

So, it's been a while. I finally got tired of writing everyday, and eventually I just stopped for a week or however long it is. Even this one won't be long. I dunno...I just haven't been in the mood to write. Though, I'm sure that I'll have a long post here pretty soon. Perhaps The Journey Part Three.

So much has been happening in just the last week, and I'm really not sure how to take it all. I've got one part of me tugging this way, another that, and another this, and another that. More than anything, I just want to get where God wants me to be.

A small peak, I suppose. I had a conversation with her tonight for thirty minutes on the phone. Amazingly enough, it wasn't awkward. I really, really miss talking to her...but at the same time, those feelings are still there, so I'm trying to find some balance in order to make sure that I don't end up trapping myself. But, I said that I talked to her to say this. I actually prayed with her on the phone before I let her go. That was a HUGE step for me in going where God wants me to go. Like I've mentioned before, prayer is one of the places I feel God is moving me to, and I've always had this fear to pray with others...especially her. Granted it's not in person, but it's still a step in the right direction.

I could keep writing for a long time, but it's nearly two a.m. and I've got work in a wonderful seven hours.

Waiting for the Next

Today, was, uh...tiring. Work was exceedingly long, and I got sun burnt really bad. I started to feel sick and had a headache =(. Other than that, not a whole lot happened. Well, I guess something did, but I'm going to allude to mentioning anything further about it, haha...other than I'm trusting that God is starting to reveal His plan...

Here's a cool couple of verses I ran by today...

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

-Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV)

Nighty night...

Facing the Change

So, today was one of those days where it was just a good day. I got to go out to the church and dig a hole, which was actually rather invigorating, haha. It was a good work out, and I got to serve God =). After I got done with that I relaxed at home until we had service. Then I went to Wendy's with a couple of friends for a bit and talked. So, it was a good day.

I did do a lot of thinking again today though (surprise surprise). I've got a feeling that things are going to start changing again, and I don't know if I'm ready for it or not. But, I could be wrong, and things could continue to go as they have been.

Only time will tell, as always. I just wish I had more insight as to the direction that God wants me to take with my life so that I can really start to go after it. Once I set my mind on something, I'm 100% into it, but when I don't have a place to focus, I start to get antsy and it causes me a lot of problem. I just want that place to focus so I can go all out.

Well, I'm off to bed. Nighty night.

Today's Song: Pieces by Red

More of the Same

Well, today was normal. Work was long. That's about it, ha. I went and played some volleyball with some friends after work, and then came home. Tomorrow, I'm going to the church to help out with some stuff and hopefully taking my spiritual father to lunch. I'm really excited, to be honest. It's a privilege to get to serve others and help out.

Other than that, I'm feeling about the normal. The same stuff is still weighing on me, and I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do. I'm praying that God will show me clearly sometime soon. Anyway, I'm off to bed. Night...

Today's Song: Photograph by 12 Stones

For the Sake of Love

What am I missing? I know I've gone over this several times already, but I'm here again. Why am I still so hurt by what's going on with her? I know that I fell hard for her and I know it "takes time", but honestly, it's been three and a half months...when does it start getting better?

Am I stuck on stupid, or is God trying to tell me something? I'm at a loss here. She's been on my heart so heavily the last couple of weeks. I wanted to call her so bad today, just to say, "Hi, how are you?", because I feel like no one has done that lately and actually wanted to hear something other than, "I'm okay". Maybe, I'm way off base.

I'd do near anything for her because she means that much to me, which is why...I have to do nothing and let God do what He does. Quite frankly, I'd rather poke my eyes out with a dull, plastic spork, because I think it'd be less painful. I'm trying to trust that God will follow through on this - I really am. I'm getting worn down though, and I don't know how much longer I can do this...

I Wish You'd See

Today was good. Church was awesome, like always - I'm glad that I got to go. She wasn't there again today, so again, it was nice to not have that distraction there...although I still wish she'd have come. Quite honestly, I'd like to know how she is ~really~ doing. I'd ask, but I really feel that I wouldn't get an honest answer for her. I just wish she'd see that she has friends that truly care about her and want to see her well and happy. Friends who love her so much and would do almost anything for her. I don't know, maybe she does, but whatever is causing all this crud, I rebuke in the name of Jesus. I'm sick and tired the broken friendships and it's affect on so many people.

I feel God is starting to move in a lot of areas, so only He knows what's going to happen. All I can do is pray and hope that it all works out. Which it will, but it may not be in the way I want it to, and I need to get myself to where I'm humble enough to accept that if it's the case. I just need to walk the path God wants me to, and be obedient to Him, and everything else will fall into place.

I'm off the bed - gots work early in the morn'. Nighty.

Today's Song: You're Grace Is Enough by Matt Maher

Waiting For Tomorrow

Well, today was basically just another day. Work was so slow and boring that I got exhausted from doing nothing...I honestly can't stand it. I even tried to find stuff to do and asked my managers for things, but it never took me more than twenty minutes to finish whatever it was.

I finally finished typing out all the stuff on that dream that I had. I must say, I've been thinking about it a lot and I'm really wondering what it all means. I feel there is something there that God is trying to tell me.

Other than that, I have tomorrow off, so I get to go to church, which I'm excited about. The only thing I'm not looking forward to is seeing her. It always makes me sad =(. Anyway, I'm crashin'. Night!

Today's Song: You Won't Relent (Seal) by Misty Edwards

When Will It End?

Well, today was actually a good day, until the end =(. I spent the morning working on writing out all the details on my dream, and I'm about halfway done. Work was easy and boring. However, one of the guys in our department is transfering to a different one because a couple of people quit in it, so our schedules are going to get chaotic.

After I got off work, I headed to the church to see people and my family, and I was great, until she spend like fifteen minutes loving on my sisters like they are family, whilst I'm five feet away. It made me absolutely infuriated, even though it shouldn't have. It just really, really upsets me that she can do that and completely ignore me - it's like a slap in the face after everything that's happened.

I'm to the point where I really can't take it anymore. I'm tired of seeing her. I'm tired of dealing with these feelings when I do. I'm tired of it all. Sadly, there is no simple solution that I can see. I can't just stop going to church there because I know it's where I'm supposed to be. I can't shut off the feelings. What am I supposed to do? How freaking long must I wait for this to all conclude? It's utterly ridiculous...

Today's Song: Lie To Me by 12 Stones

Dream of Meaning?

Today was a normal day off - nothing all that great. The only thing that really sticks out is a very long and complex dream that I had last night. I've started journaling my dreams when I wake up, and this one took up a whole page, haha. It was mostly about her, but it had a lot of other stuff in there too - lots of symbols. I'm really curious as to what it means. I believe there is something I'm supposed to get from it because there was far too much in it, and too many details, lol.

Other than that, I started working on memorizing guitar scales (finally). I was supposed to go do something tonight with some people, but never got a hold of them. It's okay though. I gotta work tomorrow evening, so hopefully service will run a little past nine so that I can catch some of it.

Anyway, off to bed - nighty.

Today's Song: Empty Me by Jeremy Camp

I Really Like Your Hair

Hmmm, today...today was good. Work was so easy that it made me tired (if that makes any sense, haha). It consisted of placing 400+ labels on various trees to indicate that they are, in fact, a lesser price. Unless, of course, it's one of those odd balls where the "Everyday Low Price" is something like $49.99, and the "As Advertised" fall sale value is $57.99...go go common sense. After that, I assembled yet another grill, w00t. After that, I went home, relaxed, and got ready for church.

You know, funny things happen at the oddest times. Right when I walked into church, she walked by, I waved, she said "I like really like your hair", and I said "Thanks"...and that was it. It's still making me laugh, and I honestly don't know why, but it is, haha. One thing I do know, is that I have more peace than I had before, which is rather odd, but I'm not going to complain. I have a feeling that things are going to get interesting very soon - be it good or bad, I don't know. I'm positive that God has it all under control though.

Well, I'm gonna crash. Nighty.

Today's Song: Sleepwalking by Blindside

A Cry For Intimacy

I try to comprehend why some things are so hard to let go of, but in the end, it always complicates the problem. At some point, I'm going to have to accept that there is absolutally nothing that I can do, nothing I can say, nothing at all. Some things simply are, and you either accept it and move on, or you let it cosume you and tear you apart from the inside out. Quite honestly, I'm getting tired of the latter option. I hate these feelings that well up from inside at the worst times - that are connected to things that I enjoy. I want, no, I need freedom. There is just this twisted part of me, that for some reason, loves to hold on to these things that drag me into hell.

Is it so much to ask to simply want to live for God? To give Him all my love, all my devotion, all my passion? To entrust him with my thoughts, dreams, hopes, loves, hurts? Why, when it's the most ridiculously obvious choice, is it so impossibly hard? Why, when God has never, ever let me down, stopped loving me, stopped calling for me, stopped fighting tooth and nail for my soul, do I still turn my back on Him over the most utterly stupid things? It's absolutely infuriating to me. My heart cries out for an intimacy with my Creator, but I deny myself that very thing more oft than not.

At some point, I'm either going to do what I need to do, or God is going to break me down once again, and honestly, I prefer the former, as the latter has always been hell. At some point, I'll fully realize that nothing else matters. At some point, it will all click, and only then will the rest of my life click.

Today's Song: Frontline by Pillar

Weather of Memories

Ah, what I'd give...but really, would I? It's just been one of those days where nostalgia has run rampant. Personally, I blame the weather. It brings back so many memories of things that I miss. Fifty-eight degrees, a slight breeze, clouds in the sky, and a setting sun. I want someone to snuggle up with and hold onto - I'd give nearly anything. It's so frustrating...I don't want money, I don't want fame, I don't want stuff...I just want to love and be loved. I want to be married and have a family so much that it's nearly painful.

The thing is that I know I'm not ready. There are things in my life that I have to get sorted out before I will be. I need to get myself back in order, get my goals planned out, get a couple of them accomplished, work on rebuilding my life into what God wants it to be and only then consider trying to fit someone else into that puzzle. It's hard to fit someone else into your life when you don't have all the pieces of yourself in order, because you don't know where or how they fit.

I know that it's all just a matter of time before things start to fall into place. All that it requires is that I stay walking in the will of God. He knows my heart's desires, and he will fulfill them (Psalm 37:4). I'm also sure, that like with nearly everything in my life, it will take me completely by surprise. I can deal with that though, because it'll make it that much easier to give God all the glory. However, I really do hope that this season of testing doesn't take as long as it usually does.

Well, I'm off to bed, as I have to be up in the morning for work.

Today's Song: Something New by Fireflight

Denying Myself

Well, today wasn't nearly as eventful as I thought it would be. At least not in the sense I thought. She wasn't at church today, which is really odd, but at the same time, it allowed me to focus on God without being distracted. My football team lost, when they should have won, but that's life, haha. And I took a nap, which I haven't done in ages.

But you know, going back to her...she's really been on my heart a lot lately. It's not just that letter either. It's hard to explain I guess, and honestly, I don't fully understand it myself. I don't know if it's just my emotions getting the better of me, or if it's something that God is placing on me. Either way, it's just been eating at me and it's starting to really wear me down. This whole thing has been going on far longer than it should have, but it's still there. I just miss her so much. You know, honestly, even if she treated me like total crap, just to have her in my life again...I mean, she is my friend, and that's never changed. I hate this separation and stuff that is going on. It tears at my heart everyday. I've nearly sent her a text a couple of times today because I want to talk to her that bad. I have no idea what to say though. That, and I figure that since I gave her that letter, I need to just leave it at that and let God work the way that He wants to.

I just want freedom from this whole thing so that I can finally have peace in my heart. We heard a message tonight from my pastor's pastor, and his message was simple. You reap what you sow. I want so badly to sow the right things in my life. Especially with this situation with her that's been looming for too long. I'm asking God to search my heart and show me what I need to do to receive freedom from this. It's one of the biggest things holding me back from getting where God wants me to be. The hardest part is that a piece of me holds on to a hope that it'll all work out in the end, and it could, because God can do anything, but right now that makes it so hard to do what I need to do.

In the end, it comes down to this. I just want to give my life one hundred percent to God. I want to be a disciple for Christ. The issue is that it's extremely hard to do because it requires an utter denial of self. God willing, He will help mold me into a man that can do that without having to strive so hard to make the right choice, but at the same time I want it to bring me joy to struggle for Christ. I want to be so wrapped up in God that I can say no to sin without even contemplating it. That is my desire.

I'm off to bed. God bless and good night.

Today's Song: You Are Everything by Matthew West

An Ordinary Day

Today was a very uneventful day. Work was okay I guess. I had nothing to do most of the time because I'd already done everything my managers could come up with, haha.

Really, today had nothing of significance occur =(. Tomorrow could be interesting depending on a few things, but no matter what I'm going to make the best of it. I'm really happy I get to be at church again this week too.

Oh, a couple of days ago, I had a dream that actually remembered to right down details about, haha. So I'm excited to continue with pastors class on dreams, lol.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna head on to bed. Night night...

Today's Song: Beyond Measure by Jeremy Camp

One Life to Love

Today was a variable roller coaster, I guess. Work was easy, as always. However, I was rather peeved that my hourly supervisor dictated to me that I had to go to lunch after I'd only been there for two hours and fifteen minutes because there was "no one there after four to cover it". Truth be told, he was there after four, but didn't want to be the only one there in the department for an hour because he didn't want to work. Needless to say, I was rather mad. Other than that, the rest of the night went rather smooth.

After I got off, I stopped by the church hoping to catch the tail end of service tonight, but I got there right as it ended. I did get to visit with some people though, which was nice, and I got to see my family. I talked to my sisters about how school was going, which was cool 'cause we don't get to talk a lot. Then my youngest sister fell sleep on my lap, which was adorable. I did see her there tonight too, and I had the same reaction as always, which sucks =(. She's also got my phone number now 'cause the church directories came out tonight. I don't think she will text though because I feel she wants me to talk to her first, heh...

Other than that, I got home, got laundry done, and I'm getting ready to go to bed. My littlest brother did come down in tears though because he forgot his homework at school. I prayed with him and told him it was okay and such. He thanked me for comforting him, which honestly melted my heart. I love my brothers and sisters so, so much. I know there are times that I don't show that as much as I should, too. That's something I think God is starting to reveal to me - how to show love in a more understandable and visual manner. Above all, I really have got to break out of my comfort zone and start praying for people face-to-face. I've only got one live and it's my job to make the most out of it by fulfilling God's purpose for me. I have a deep desire to, but I keep stopping myself in fear all the time.

Well, I think that I'm going to go to sleep now. I'm tired and I gotta be up at 6:30 to get ready for work. Night and God bless.

Today's song: One Life to Love by 33 Miles

A New Season

Today was simply, amazing. I slept in again until around nine, got up, and relaxed until I had to go to work. And work was so easy today, haha. The weather was around 65 out all day long, cloudy, and a little rainy - my favorite weather. I got to spend a few hours out in it moving mums around on a display, hehe. After that, I went inside and stocked stuff, which I did for years, so I could do it in my sleep. Plus, I had maybe a tenth of what I'm used to, so it was cake.

The only thing that threw my day off was my boss told me to go home a little early so I could see my wife and kid before they went to bed. It made me so sad 'cause I wish with all my heart I had that. I know God's got it in His plan for me, it's just a matter of timing. That, and I have to work next Friday night and Sunday =(. Hopefully, I can switch with someone again because it's really, really irritating.

With all that's going on, I know that this new season in my life is one of testing. which God is letting me go through - a season of ripening. I'm going to do my best to take everything that happens in stride, and allow God to work in me the way he wants to. I want the things of God so badly. I want to be at that point where no matter what happens, I can say that it's all right because I have Jesus Christ to cling to.

I've found myself going into tears just hearing songs lately. Or I hear a word for someone that I know they've been waiting to hear for a long time, and the same thing happens. I cry so much now-a-days, simply because of the grace and love of God in my life. I'm starting to realize that God is setting up my life so that everything I have is dependent on Him. Without Jesus, I would have absolutely nothing. And you know, that's something I gladly accept, because God is the one person you can entrust everything to and feel completely and totally confident that you will be safe.

I'm off to bed. Night and blessings.

Today's Song: You by Britt Nicole

Letting Go

Today was one of those lazy kinda days. I didn't have work, which was nice, so I got to sleep in some and relax all day. The weather was simply amazing! Sixty or so degrees with a nice light rain all day. Now, to most people, that kind of weather is dismal, but for me, it's the most relaxing thing on earth (and I got to wear my coat! Haha...I love my coat). Not to mention, it's like the best kind of weather for me to connect with God because everything is so peaceful to me and my mind is calm so I can think.

So, she has the letter and I believe I've finally let go - the rest is up to God. I'm going to start moving on and whatever happens, happens. I know God has everything under control and that He is orchestrating something really big right now. I really can't wait to see what happens in the next few months. Not just with myself, but with those around me. I really feel like everything is about to go "BOOM", in a good way, of course.

I guess a good way of putting it all, is something that I wrote a while back on a sticky note:

"Although we may not see it now, all the pieces are there. We just have to wait for them to be put together the correct way. When we try to force pieces together that aren't made for each other, the big picture gets all messed up, and the pieces will never fit right. Let God put it together the right way, and in His timing. Only He knows how the final picture is supposed to look."

Well, that's all for tonight. I'm gonna head to bed 'cause I'm tired.

Today's song: Call My Name by Third Day